They're Cohabitating, I'm Capitulating

[Brit45]

I think of Zig and KD as friends! and my thread like my kitchen...have a seat, I'll make tea or coffee and we can chat! LOL

I agree with all of you. I actually took a sociology class at university and the prof used to be a MC and he said that when people are arguing over something like silverware there's still something there. If you're angry there's something there! If you're jealous there's something there. If you feel nothing...then there's nothing. I do believe that. But H can be SO detached it gets annoying. That's his personality to hold things in side. So he's a funny fish to read.

Had a convo with a friends last night. Who wants me to meet someone new. Usually when I tell her any drips or draps of what he does she'll say he could just be being a friend. But when I told her how he acted on hangover day saying how good I looked sending back specaility food for the next day, offering to get me a drink, saying he wanted to take care of me, and how he was texting me ON his weekend away to say he hoped I had a good time she was like What is he doing? This isn't fair to you! It made me smile because it isn't in my head. He is confused despite what he may say.

Because of time difference you guys may have misunderstood me...he's coming by Wednesday night/afternoon now.

SS, the food thing is gold. Because when he's around I try to make food that GF wouldn't know how to do. Food from home, ethnic food, non-vegetarian food, etc.

TBH the idea of him saying okay I want to work on things scares me. Is that weird? I don't know where we'd start...so that's why this "just enjoying him" is a good place. I am thinking of him as another option in my ever increasing big world. and we'll see.

[scaredsilly]

"TBH the idea of him saying okay I want to work on things scares me. Is that weird? I don't know where we'd start...so that's why this "just enjoying him" is a good place. I am thinking of him as another option in my ever increasing big world. and we'll see."

brit, this is exactly how i feel now, too! it's amazing how we change during this time of introspection. some of what i'm reading about co-dependency is also contributing to this feeling.

all the reasons i became resentful and bitter would have to be addressed; not just HIS reasons. in the beginning, i would have done ANYTHING to get him back. but now i realize that i was doing just about EVERYTHING he needed and wanted during the marriage and that was a major problem.

what's scary is, will he see that giving more and taking less is BETTER for our M? he's had things his way so long.

maybe that's part of what you're feeling, too?

[zig]

TBH the idea of him saying okay I want to work on things scares me. Is that weird? I don't know where we'd start...so that's why this "just enjoying him" is a good place. I am thinking of him as another option in my ever increasing big world. and we'll see.


oh my god, brit - thanks for being so open - THAT ^^^ has been scaring the [censored] out of me for a couple of months now!!

i've been very confused about it and not known what to do about that feeling.

and now reading your post and SS's after that - SS everything you write is spot on about why you're scared. I think we maybe scared because we are NOT used to expressing what we truly feel - remember we are the ones who used anger, resentment, control and all these other dysfunctional behaviors which were actually a front for being too petrified on a very deep level, to be able to say to our S's - i don't like what you are doing, i'm not happy, this is hurting me.

what scares the cr@p out of us is that if they decide to come back, eventually it will be our turn, and we will have to be able to express what we really felt.

is part of being scared that fact that we don't completely trust ourselves yet to be able to do that? that our changes are really in place?

your prof - really put it well brit - there's food for thought there-

zig

[labug]

It is a scary place but also liberating.

[vera be fierce]

Brit (and zig and ss) - I talked to Cheryl about this issue a little bit on my last call. Basically - it's normal and expected once we've achieved some growth in ourselves. I think it's more of a sign that we're looking at the R clearly and at our needs (as zig mentioned). It also means we wouldn't just agree to quickly jump back into an R without making sure it's healthier on both sides. There's no harm in pausing and saying - what do I need, and can I get it here? Because again DB'ing helps us figure ourselves out to become better partners in an R and better at recognizing what we need in an R. So - yeah, it's a little scary but I think it's a sign of getting your head above the clouds and seeing what's there and how you might or might not be able to work things out in the future.

It sounds like you're in a good place and you continue to get stronger and stronger and I like reading it because it inspires me to think about things more, too And you mentioning your cooking is making me hungry!!

[zig]

thanks vera for posting what cheryl said - it's reassuring to understand that those feelings are actually good healthy ones to have.

i think when we have them we could confidently say we've taken our WAS's off the pedestals we've put them on.

hey you know what i like here - brit, you and me and ss are sort of traveling along the same lines here - reaching the same places - and it's wonderful, because our conversations are really showing that as we are coming to these awarenesses and able to discuss them in real time - as opposed to discussing them with people who've already gone through this stage

glad i have all you wonderful friends - and brit - i'll take a cuppa anytime in your kitchen!! maybe we'll all do it in real time some day (grin)

zig

[Brit45]

glad i have all you wonderful friends - and brit - i'll take a cuppa anytime in your kitchen!! maybe we'll all do it in real time some day (grin)

DEFFO!

I love "growing" with you guys. I honestly feel like since finding this community I have grown because of it. Sure I journalled before, but having people challenge your thinking or just saying they've been there is priceless. You feel so isolated in all of this. You can't talk to mutual friends, to family members, and you think they're proabably sick of hearing about it anyway! And you certainly can't be as open and honest as you can here.

It is a scary place but also liberating.

YES! I figured out why it is for me...because I'm not waiting for him to say it anymore. I think for awhile I was waiting for him to want to get back together, and wondering when it would be, and when he would move forward with the GF it would freak me out because I would think he's not going to say it or he might not ever say it.

Somewhere I have moved away from thinking about him. Going out with friends, having strangers attempt to flirt with me, getting into a routine of my home, my son, my life, getting back involved at work instead of going through the motions. I think of him less and less And where once the idea of R being a matter of life and death, or happiness and misery isn't anymore.

but now i realize that i was doing just about EVERYTHING he needed and wanted during the marriage and that was a major problem.

what's scary is, will he see that giving more and taking less is BETTER for our M? he's had things his way so long.

I think we maybe scared because we are NOT used to expressing what we truly feel - remember we are the ones who used anger, resentment, control and all these other dysfunctional behaviors which were actually a front for being too petrified on a very deep level, to be able to say to our S's - i don't like what you are doing, i'm not happy, this is hurting me.

yes and no...he was the one who gave up a lot in our relationship and I was the one who usually got my way. However I did use anger, resentment, control, and being selfish getting my own way because I was too scared to be vulnerable, too scared that giving up myself meant that I would lose myself, that if I wasn't in control I was being taken advantage of.

I feel as though he's given up parts of himself again too quickly in a new relationship. Which is why some of Cheryl's advice didn't set well with me. If I seduce him, then I'm just pursuing him, taking away his choice. And I think in terms of core values I don't want our story to be that I seduced him away from someone else. I want him to make a choice, stand on his own two feet, etc.

It also means we wouldn't just agree to quickly jump back into an R without making sure it's healthier on both sides. There's no harm in pausing and saying - what do I need, and can I get it here? Because again DB'ing helps us figure ourselves out to become better partners in an R and better at recognizing what we need in an R.

This is such good insight. It's unfamiliar territory to be strong enough to say I'm not going to take a relationship on any level. And not just the basics ie no OW/OM but actually deciding how you want to communicate with someone and work together in a partnership.

[labug]

We are all controllers, I think we've all admitted that. What's at the root of control? Fear of the unknown, of something happening that we aren't prepared for and we will feel less than.

So we attempt to remove every unknown variable from our lives to quell our anxiety.

Over time we begin to look at H and think "hmmmm, do I still want you in my future" and wham-o suddenly we're in that land of the unknown. The anxiety rises and we don't know what variable to adjust.

This has been my lesson in relaxing into it.

Living in uncertainty.

[scaredsilly]

"Over time we begin to look at H and think "hmmmm, do I still want you in my future" and wham-o suddenly we're in that land of the unknown. The anxiety rises and we don't know what variable to adjust."

absolutely! i become anxious because of the unknown and the possible loss of control. i used to think that being with H was better than being without H because it was habit and accustomed. now, i'm questioning that and the unknown is not as anxiety producing as it was because i've seen that i can not only survive it, but thrive in a way i'd never have thought possible until this "tragedy".

[needgrace]

If I seduce him, then I'm just pursuing him, taking away his choice. And I think in terms of core values I don't want our story to be that I seduced him away from someone else. I want him to make a choice, stand on his own two feet, etc.

[quote]It also means we wouldn't just agree to quickly jump back into an R without making sure it's healthier on both sides. There's no harm in pausing and saying - what do I need, and can I get it here? Because again DB'ing helps us figure ourselves out to become better partners in an R and better at recognizing what we need in an R.

Thank you for these insights. Really spoke to me this morning. I adore you guys!!!