DB Bootcamp - Vets and Newbies

[sgctxok]

HeartBrokeinsd: Sorry to hear that. I suggest you think long and hard about the person that your W would want to come back to. For example, would she want to come back to somebody who is begging, pleading, reasoning, etc? Think about why she wanted to leave? Think about you... Is there something you want to change about you? Do you want her back for you and her, or just for the kids? Once you answer those things, think about how you want to be treated. How you want to be perceived. How she sees you.
Red: I saw your other post. I'm sorry to hear about this going on, but I suggest you make yourself open to him. His issues seem to be around availability of others, so maybe that's the place to start? Don't pursue him or date others though and be patient
Veroprado: I'm sorry you find yourself here. Detaching is to help you be objective. i.e. how would you suggest somebody else handle the situation if you were on the outside? Are there things you need to change about you? Now's a good time to focus on you rather than him.

Peace,

AJ

AJ--this is MODEL vet/mentor behavior

[zig]

I could use some help here on how to focus on short term goals - i have a lot of trouble trying to figure out what are reasonable good short terms goals, as h is extremely resistant to the smallest of suggestions. Also could use some help in applying KLA and power packaging - don't know where to start.

My h has just announced that he is going to file for divorce because he doesn't want to hide his r with ow any longer, and he can't do that if he's married.

thanks
zig

[NLW]

Ok--so everyone who wants to pair up with an oldtimer post:


1) Just a few sentence background
2) what you think you need most help with (staying on track, brainstorming solutions, setting goals, etc)

H is depressed MLC. Abandons me and 2 teen kids for 20 y-old's lifestyle, including A.
Amasses huge debts over last 5 years. Anger/shame/guilt interspersed with short periods of normalcy. My gut says he still loves us and, at one level, wants to come back.
Visits home everyday when dropping kids after school pick-up. Is still hiding A from me, kids and his family.

I need help with balancing LRT and showing him acceptance, keeping the road home paved and smooth.

The more I withdraw, the more H does. The nicer and more 'normal' I am towards him, the nicer and more normal he is to me.

Constant flashpoint is ongoing financial disaster. It's the source of his claim that he ruined my life, and defines him as a 'failure'. Has referred to himself as a scumbag and adulterer.

Unsure how to deal with his sense of worthlessness. NC is likely to produce greater sense of rejection.

[sophiedaphne]

I would love some help, too.

[sophiedaphne]

My husband and I have been married for two years, together four. He said that he just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore -- the "spark" is gone and he doesn't feel we're compatible. He feels I've been selfish and took him for granted and was too emotional. He doesn't want to do things with me and isn't interested in working out our problems. I'm moving out this weekend into my own place. He has been really generous towards me and is helping me move, has bought me new stuff for my new place, has helped me pack, etc. He says I can use the washing machine at the old place whenever I want and will help me with whatever I need help with. We went to marriage counseling, and it made things worse. I really want to work things out with him -- I've been getting a life like crazy and so has he.

I don't know how to show him that I don't want to be selfish. I want to stop taking him for granted. I want to do things for him and show him appreciation when he does things for me. But we're not really talking now, so I don't know how to do these things. I don't want to play games and screw around with his emotions. I have stopped crying and talking about the relationship, but I don't know where to go from here.

[Breakdown]

I'd like to participate if still possible.

1) Just a few sentence background

Married 15 yrs, 5 kids (one mine before marriage). W got tired of dealing with my insecurity/jealousy, combined with my continued unhappiness. Multiple EAs on her side, one ongoing. Bomb dropped Feb 15 2011, and repeated multiple times since then, but no action yet. Currently in retrovaille...W has agreed to finish program, but isn't really buying in.

2) what you think you need most help with (staying on track, brainstorming solutions, setting goals, etc)

I've read so many books and coupled with the retrov, I am confused most days how I should be behaving. Do I need to detach, or talk about my feelings? Should I be excluding her or including her. How should I react to continued negative behavior?

[Cadet]

Note to SG

I think that there needs to be some refining of this before it will work.

The threads at the top for assigning the relationships are fine but the advice should be within each persons thread.

This should no way limit people giving advice to others.

Or limit others from reading and commenting on the advice given.

None of us are trained professionals and although I have done extensive reading and my own personal experience that does not qualify me as the foremost authority.

My expertise is more in MLC.
Depression and mental illness.

The mentor/mentee program has worked well for us elsewhere.
I think it could work well here on DB too, but I would like to know what the official position is and how it fits in with coaching and making this website fit MWD's objectives.

My .02

[chatterbug]

Is this not just circumventing the PM system of old. Will you make sure the poster and vet do not get emotionally involved.

What happens if the poster does not move forward or gets some advice that has some legal ramifications?

There is one huge flag with this system that I can see already.

You have someone who is posting what the view is at the top of the mountain to someone who has begun their climb. So most of words get lost in translation. As they have not reached that altitude yet. The vet gets frustrated because the view is clear looking down. The climber gets frustrated because they are climbing and cannot see the top.

One of the great things about DB is that you get people from all different view points and different mountains talking. People in different parts of the climb. It allows for more growth. As more than one person is learning and growing.

There is no know all see all seer. And those who are newer on this path post their knowledge and wisdom along with those who are further ahead.

And to be blunt. I have seen things like this start before here and when it needs support no-one is around from the site to help it out. So it just dies.

If you want to make something like this. Then why not create a new sub cat or put it where it should be "Staying Solution-Focused Workshop". Where it can be allowed to flourish or die and not take away the purpose of the newcomers area which is to post our stories.

[sgctxok]

Jks,

That isn't too much. While many vets don't like being requested by name, there is no reason why that shouldn't happen if you really wish to hear someone's opinion.

Most of us will say the same basic things but sometimes the delivery is different and maybe more effective.

While this idea isn't bad, I thought that was exactly what the boards were for. People post their stories and if someone feels that they can help, they respond...

Curious to see what unfolds.

cat --

I'd love to see you taking a spot as a mentor.

[sgctxok]

Note to SG

I think that there needs to be some refining of this before it will work.

The threads at the top for assigning the relationships are fine but the advice should be within each persons thread.

This should no way limit people giving advice to others.

Or limit others from reading and commenting on the advice given.

None of us are trained professionals and although I have done extensive reading and my own personal experience that does not qualify me as the foremost authority.

My expertise is more in MLC.
Depression and mental illness.

The mentor/mentee program has worked well for us elsewhere.
I think it could work well here on DB too, but I would like to know what the official position is and how it fits in with coaching and making this website fit MWD's objectives.

My .02

Hi cadet --

No one's limiting advice, having a special thread that is focused is helpful, especially if the person asking for advice wants that.

There are no rules...just an idea.


There was someone I thought you would be great with, I will have to look back and then add it.