"..but then the W said I could come over everyday to see our son,"
That is great. My W said the same thing. We have never tried to use our Ds are leverage. But filing for D has never really been an option except when I couldn't handle it anymore
".. which would really limit the amount of time she could be with OM, is that her plan? to spend more time together with me?"
I just posted that on my threat last night. Playing defense. If she is with me, she can't be with him. I am sure you and I debate the same things. She will see what she is missing by spending time with me, if we aren't spending time together she won't see what she misses.
It's a tough situation. I got beat up on here spending time with the W, but I think the spending time with the W has gotten me to a better place. Of course, "Fat Man" bomb could drop soon if we rush into things and not work on correcting what caused the first bomb to drop.
"...Should I get that all in writing and pursue that direction? Should I fight fo 50/50 custody?"
Hell yes. Things might be good now and you could have a verbal agreement on visitation. However, if things go south, they are going to enforce what is down on paper and filed. You have to be selfish on what the courts recognize.
You don't have to follow the court visitation as long as you both agree. However, if things get bad, then it is enforceable, so don't enter into an agreement you can't live with if things get bad.
"..She continues to tell me of wonderful things are with OM.."
Of course. He tends to her needs. He is there for her. He cares about her. He saves kittens and puppies walking to work. Etc....
If she didn't say these things, then what kind of person would she be leaving her M for a joke? She has to justify her decision, even if it is just with words.
The OM for my W is a total loser. Lives at home with his mama. In trouble with the law. No ambition, etc. I never once mentioned this to my W. You know why? Because if I did, she would be forced to defend him so she didn't look like a fool.
It took time, but I think they are done. She finally got tired of his crap when compared to me. I haven't gotten 100% confirmation from the W on this besides her telling me "not so much" when I asked about W and OM. Have heard from others they are/might be done. Maybe I have snooped, but I am not telling...
In short, she has to make the decision. Let her. If you push her one way, she will naturally push back the other direction. Remember, you have history. Your W knows your good and bad and has lived with it. OM doesn't have history. She needs to see the bad.
"So to answer your question as how am I doing... I am surviving, nothing more, nothing less...
That's all that you can do right now. Keep working on you. Be selfish. Good things will come.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Hi Peringo, I don't know you total sitch but this one jumped out at me. Is there a reason for you not to have 50/50 custody of the kids? I would caution you about settling for anything less that this unless there is a good reason for it and that is what you are willing to settle for. Kids need both their Mother and Father in their lives and you have no idea how hard it is to go from seeing your kids every day to seeing them every other weekend. Are you really willing to settle for seeing them 4-6 days per month? DONT DO IT! In my opinion you need to keep the issues separate. Continue to work on your M but at the same time you need to stand up and fight for your right to be your kid’s father. What happens if in 3 months your W decides that your daily visits are interfering with her new relationship. Your daily visits will end and you are stuck. IF you want to settle for less then make sure whatever agreement you have with W is in the divorce decree otherwise it does not exist . Please be careful agreeing to anything just to win favor with W. Once you sign that agreement that is what you and your kids are going to have to live with.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Tinman- I would of course have that stated in any child custody agreement that I could see him every night, that would be the only way I would sign anything. I know the importance of a son having a strong father figure in his life, to teach them right from wrong.
I am waiting for the advice from my attorney on the matter of custody.
On the matter of the wife I don't know what to do, Pursue, Don't pursue, Be available, Don't be available.... My wife is from the latin culture, Which confuses me even more...
Me: 37 W:33 S: 2 M: 9/5/09 Suspected: 1/7/12 Confirmed: 2/10/12 Served: 3/29/12 W moved out 3/30/12 First court 5/17/12 HELP!
My W's OM is alittle different than yours, has more money than I fancier house, more of a fantasy life... but he is divorce with a child and the issues around that. He is also 11years older than her... sometimes I feel as though I can't compete, why on earth would she want to come back... I would lay down my life for, I wonder if he would...
I need to find a way to snap out of this....
Me: 37 W:33 S: 2 M: 9/5/09 Suspected: 1/7/12 Confirmed: 2/10/12 Served: 3/29/12 W moved out 3/30/12 First court 5/17/12 HELP!
It is a fantasy life with OM, but that's all it is. A fantasy. As soon as she were to start living real life with him, it wouldn't be a fantasy and wouldn't be fun anymore.
You have real life, real memories, a real connection on your side. It's going to be okay.
"sometimes I feel as though I can't compete, why on earth would she want to come back..."
That is your issue. Work on it.
Become a person only a fool would leave.
If you don't see yourself as this, then how in the world can you expect someone else?
You have time. Work on you. Make you happy. DO NOT do things you think will make the W happy. This is for you. Do things for YOU.
Maybe you get back together. Maybe you don't. You are the only constant in those two equations. GAL for you. Don't get me wrong, some of the things I do for GAL, I think to myself how fun it would be to do with the W. In the end, it is for me. When my W opens up to me, then and only then will I share these with her.
Be selfish.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
There are things you can do that doesn't require money. The main thing is to put forth a big effort to get involved in something that would be good for you.
Look around and see the activities that are available in your neighborhood,community, & church. Consider some type of volunteer work. How could you take your abilities and help somebody else?
Before you were M, what were your hobbies? What did you use to do when you had spare time?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okay, so you probably have a broad area, and that's great.
I can think of so many areas of helping others. This may not be the type of GAL that you had in mind, but it might make you feel better helping others, and if it gets your mind off your own problems for a while, then that's worth it.
You could start by deciding what age group you prefer.
If you love working with kids, then there is everything from coaching sports (individual one on one help throwing a ball, or working with a team), to tutoring a child in reading. (So many kids can't read. Their teachers do not have enough class time for each student to read out loud.) The list is endless!
Maybe you feel good when you give your time to elderly people. There are so many who need small repairs made around their homes; running errand; taking them to dr. appt., etc. Some caregivers would like to have a couple of hours away if they had somebody to come sit with their elderly (perhaps sick) parent.
One area that is needed are people who are qualified to babysit a child that is mentally/physically challenged. Parents would love to have a couple of hours just to go out and eat dinner together or be with friends, but it's hard for them to find anyone to sit with their child who has special needs.
If you like animals, offer to pet sit or walk the dog walk.
There are thousands of things to do in the area of "giving yourself". However, you may just need to be around friends and enjoy having good times. Be in places where music is playing and people are laughing and happy. That's the kind of medicine our souls need. You may seek out quiet places where you are close to nature.
Some folks need activity and others seek solitude, but whatever makes you feel energized and have a greater capacity for life....that is what you need to do. Take care of you!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
