Swimming with Turtles pt 2

[zig]

thanks so much for your advice jb - i didn't realize you looked at my thread.

do you advise the outline being from when the bomb was dropped or including the whole marriage and after the bomb drop.

there are so many things that h felt were were wrong when he dropped the bomb, that frankly i'm finding now that it influenced me so much that i have a hard time seeing a clear picture of it myself.

i'll go start on my outline and the list of things i want to ask her.

wish i could figure out a way to tape the phone conversation. anyone have suggestions on how to do that?

thanks again
zig

[jbnati]

I would suggest keeping it at a thumbnail sketch so speak. You can give the history before the bomb drop followed by what DB techniques you've tried, what's worked, what hasn't worked, etc. If you can keep it to 10-15 minutes maximum, it should give you some more time to work with.

I've never tried to record a conversation. It worked pretty well for me to write down questions, and then write the responses under them. I also took notes the whole time. I may have benefited from having a computer at my disposal so I could type my notes, but I did a lot sessions in the parking lot at work on my cell phone.

[zig]

hey thanks jb - that helps me a lot to streamline how to go about it. sometimes i have a hard time picturing what is the most efficient direct way to go about things -left overs from the post concussion stuff, i think

really helpful of you.
thanks
zig

[vera be fierce]

Oh zig - you will feel so much better after your call! Maybe not immediately, but once the advice and information sinks in a little. Like I told Brit - it's really an investment in yourself and your own sanity, and you can't really put a price on that, right?

I agree with having some questions listed out and a brief intro. If your coach needs more information, she will ask. Remember, solution-based coaching is not about delving into everything that's happened in the past but looking at what hasn't worked and trying to figure out what you can do next. I would start with a general timeline and H's complaints, and what you've done to address those complaints so far.

I highly recommend having a notebook just for DB purposes that you can keep tucked away, and write your notes in there. I'm not sure you'd want to record the sessions - there could be legal issues there (consent, etc). I take copious notes and then go back after the call to fill in where I couldn't finish a sentence or thought so that I don't forget it. Have a few pens handy, too. If you're faster at typing, maybe take the call and type your notes out.

I would definitely make sure to ask about how you're handling the party since that is the most immediate thing you have going on right now. From what you've described it seems like you're doing a really good job with that!

PS your shawls are BEAUTIFUL!!!

[zig]

oh vera - your post reassured me so much this morning.

and thanks for the compliment about my shawls - so pleased you like them:)

Like I told Brit - it's really an investment in yourself and your own sanity, and you can't really put a price on that, right?

^^^^ That! was the thing i needed to hear right now. last night and this morning i've been focused on how can i paint a good enough accurate pic in about 15 mins so joann can help me right away to turn things around.

that was the wrong attitude!! it's about me and how i can handle this better for myself - to just be nudged onto the right track so that i am not so anxious about everything

Remember, solution-based coaching is not about delving into everything that's happened in the past but looking at what hasn't worked and trying to figure out what you can do next


i am a little lost here in terms of telling her what has worked or not worked. i can't tell anything that's worked - because lately he has withdrawn so much, and where as we used to at least talk before, now he's quit almost completely. lately he has become so skittish, that i have to stay really backed off hard.

i will make sure to ask about the party. and whether my "no resistance to anything going on" is the best way to go.

thanks so much for describing how you did it - i didn't realize that you had had coaching sessions. too. are you still doing them? how often do you set up an appointment?

last night i skimmed through some of my earlier threads and posts and also read a bit of the journal that i had kept for the first few months. lots of surprises there. i saw how i had been much stronger earlier, and realized that as this sitch has continued and he has kept on with ow, getting a bit bolder each time, i have not reacted so well inside myself.

made me realize that i need to go back and read my threads and see where i was at - the last few weeks i have been a lot off kilter than i was before.

what really stunned me is what i wrote in the journal in the first weeks - i had "got it" then already , what i had to do and how i had to do it, but my own insecurity allowed me to get so pulled in by his antics that i became more and more uncentered over the months

when you refer to general timeline - do you mean after the separation started or from when we met?

thanks again vera

zig

[vera be fierce]

i am a little lost here in terms of telling her what has worked or not worked. i can't tell anything that's worked - because lately he has withdrawn so much, and where as we used to at least talk before, now he's quit almost completely. lately he has become so skittish, that i have to stay really backed off hard.

^that's fine to say. I was speaking more generally. You can just tell her what you've done and what happened in response to that. She'll be able to guide you to further suss everything out. Trust the process

I did my 3 sessions, just finished this week. I ended up doing 6 weeks between the 1st and 2nd, and then 1 month between the 2nd and 3rd, but how often you do yours will depend on your situation. I scheduled mine around "events" that happened (1st one before a vacation, 2nd one right after H filed, 3rd one a little while after I'd been served). I don't have any immediate plans to do more but that could change. (We're in the midst of the 90-day cooling off period before anything can be finalized. Cheryl & I talked about what it would take for me to feel like I saw some change b/c he still wants to be friends, and I am left only with him putting the brakes on the D process/house sale. So for now I'm just monitoring the situation.) Obviously every situation is different. Your coach will be able to help you navigate things especially with your S involved.

Be sure to report back and let us know how it goes

[zig]

thanks again vera - really appreciate all of you supporting me here

that's what i am telling myself - you made the call, not trust that she will know what to ask and you will give the correct answer. that i know my sitch and i don't have to remember it all at once!!

h brought s over an hour ago .. he wanted to borrow the lawn mower and offered to mow as he always does. i've adamantly refused all these months. today i just let him. didn't make a deal of it at all.

when he stopped to say bye before he left i thanked him and said what a luxury to have you do it,

told him theres' a block party downtown that s and i are going to with our friends. didn't ask if he wanted to come. he said himself, maybe i'll join you guys. i just replied, i'll text you the details when she lets me know.

didn't expect him to say that - was just giving the info - he's done that when he's known about something

so i t was a 180 for me to let him do something here at the house. also had to tell him my car was giving trouble and i have to take it in. i was a bit concerned as i have to drive 2 hrs on monday . he offered that we could trade out cars on sunday so i could take his truck. i just said great. inside i'm quaking a bit, because i've only driven his truck a couple of times and it's a stick shift. damn i'm brave!!

hope you guys all have a great day
off to work w/ the intern

zig

[zig]

hey mods -

i know i'm due for a new thread here, but i'd like to start it after my coaching session this evening, so if you could leave this one unlocked until then, i'd really appreciate it

thanks
zig