i bit the bullet and just did it! called and bought 3 appointments with a db coach!
i got Joann and my first appointment is already tomorrow evening.
i can't really afford it - but at the same time feel it's really worth a try. i need some solid advice on how to steer through this. i'm going to sell some shawls to take care of it
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
good luck, zig. i think you can't go wrong because it will help you to hear what she has to say and help with some of the anxiety (as we all have that). afterall, she's heard so many sitches and will be able to give you the benefit of her, and other's, experiences!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Happy for you zig! You will defintly feel better after. I like the way they shift thru the BS and then say this is what you should do. I have to admit an hour or so later I was like I have no idea if this is really what I think is a good idea and then a couple of hours later I was like this makes perfect sense. And today I got to use it...in an organic way.
They will help you with what you're putting too much emphasis on and what you need to highlight too.
Zig, I couldn't really afford it either, but gave into the impulse and just called. I think you'll get some advice on whether what you're doing is working or not (not saying they are or aren't), and what you should keep doing. <----This for me was the best part, because I was feeling like nothing I was doing was the right thing. Keep us posted on how it goes!
unbidden and brit - your offers to buy a shawl. cripes, when i read them, i fell apart - started sobbing! at first i didn't even know why i was crying so hard - yes i know hardly the reaction one expects when someone offers to buy your shawls!! no, i don't usually do that, grin.
but what came up afterwards was interesting - especially since your offers triggered off this awareness in me - and so it was a double gift from you both.
the emotion that came up was a inner protest - how could they offer that, i'm not worthy of such incredible generosity . and then as i worked through it - the deeper truth - that i don't feel worthy - that i've never felt worthy of the gifts in my life - and of course - there's another thing to work on - really hard.
i AM worthy - even of incredible generosity from people i've never even met.i am worthy and deserving to be happy, to want my marriage to work out, to want my work to be successful, to be deserving of love and support and on and on
so to say that i was touched - is beyond what words can say - to offer to buy my shawls, when you guys are scraping together to pay for your own coaching sessions - well, there's a generosity of heart that's seldom experienced.
and i feel worthy enough to say thank you.
don't feel obliged to buy - especially if they are not your style.
my dilemma though is posting how you can get them. i've just started my store on etsy (type in shawlsbyzia), but my prices are much higher there, and i would prefer to sell to you through my email as i have already been doing for months - as i can give you the price i sell them at locally. its gmail with the same name as above, all one word. also that way you can custom choose what you want
so whichever you would like - if you want to stay anonymous, you could just open a temporary account with the same name you use here - that way i'll know who you are - then i'll email you pics and you can choose - you can also look at them on the etsy site.
feel a bit weird writing all that here- as if i'm soliciting - which i hope no one thinks is intentional. mods - please let me know if this is totally not okay! i apologize in advance if it's not
thanks again all of you. i hadn't realized how many had used a coach - there's not too much reference to it in the posts
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
update - so h agreed to go play frisbee - when i said there were going to be others there. but when he called to confirm, and i had to say that i hadn't heard back from the others, he got squirmy, so i just said how about i pick up son and go. he gave me a bunch of reasons why he couldn't, including that he was getting sick. i just replied - oh i didn't really expect you to go anyway
so s and i went, we stopped by at his classmates house and the twins and their dad came out and joined us and we had a blast. i was so proud - i ran and caught a throw that was almost impossible. the dad who's a veteran frisbee player was really impressed,so i was stoked!!
when we got back to h's to drop s off, i told s - let's go in and decide the menu for the dinner. h was sitting at the table working on the floor plans for the building permit. i just casually plonked myself down -(total 180 - i've barely gone into that house) - and was just very relaxed and friendly.
he responded well. and seemed really relaxed (i was looking for signs of tension, but there didn't seem to be any) , and talked about the house and then we talked about the cake and the menu.
he tried getting a bit growly at first over the cake. and i just said - how about we just wipe out all past memories of the cake and just approach it in a different way. i proposed that we should all participate. at first he was adamant that we should do it exactly as before (his latest fixation) and i just said, well i don't want the whole burden of the cake on me. how about if i bake the cake parts and all the fillings and then the 3 of us put it together, i actually said that we could really use his architectural expertise for a change.
he agreed. i have no expectations that he will actually do it, and don't care either way, but if he does i'm going to focus on it being a really positive, fun experience for the 3 of us.
then s started getting really tired and we both tried to tell him to get in the shower, and he absolutely insisted that he wouldn't until i left. we asked him why and he kept saying he didn't want to miss anything. he actually got teary-eyed, and i had to comfort him by saying it was okay and that i would leave - even though i did want to sit there just with h for a couple of mins. well s is the db'er here, because that would have not been so good probably!!
so i'm barely back home 10 mins and h calls. have you seen s's inhaler. i was a bit taken aback at the question. is it at your house? s has been at his house for a week now.
i handled it really well - in the past i would have freaked. he kept saying , between sniffing and blowing his nose, that he felt really stupid calling me and letting me know about his ineptitude (he actually used that word!) , and i think i handled it just the right way - because then he "confessed" all the other things he had messed up during the week taking care of s. all i said was, well you have a lot on your plate, you're getting sick and don;t be too hard on yourself. (that last was the phrase he always said to me - it seemed to work. i observed that he was sounding sicker by the minute, and he admitted that he felt lousy)
mil stopped by this evening and we chatted for awhile. she told me that h is really badly strung out - everything with rebuilding his house is not going well and he keeps running into one problem after the other.
she also told me that when he had come to tell them about ow being in town - he had been incredibly stressed. she asked him why he was so stressed and he said that this second trip of her coming here (the other times he's gone to visit her) was different. she asked how so, and he replied well it's really hard to keep this secret, i can't introduce her to anyone and we have to hide and it's very stressful.
so brit - i'm taking your coach's advice - just to be friendly and relaxed and not try to prethink everything i'm going to say and be. i'm just going to be myself around him. while we were sitting at his house - i told him about my crazy good catch and how psyched i was, and he genuinely seemed to enjoy hearing about it. i also asked if i could join them in making the party piñata - he and s always make this crazy huge one. i'm just gently trying to see if i can get us to do things together that we always did separately with s. of course with no expectations that it will actually happen.
on another note - i am crazy nervous about talking to this coach tomorrow. i am such a babbler, and i'm afraid i won't be able to stick to the most important facts that i should let her know about and will waste my time. the last 10 months have started to blur in my mind - and frankly i don't have the energy to go through my past threads to make sure i remember to tell her everything.
anyone, vets? have advice on what are the most important aspects to focus on so i get the most out of the session?
thanks for any advice zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
on another note - i am crazy nervous about talking to this coach tomorrow. i am such a babbler, and i'm afraid i won't be able to stick to the most important facts that i should let her know about and will waste my time. the last 10 months have started to blur in my mind - and frankly i don't have the energy to go through my past threads to make sure i remember to tell her everything.
anyone, vets? have advice on what are the most important aspects to focus on so i get the most out of the session?
zig, count me in as one voting for the DB coach. I think you'll find it very helpful. I've had 12 sessions myself.
My suggestion would be to write down a list of things you want to talk about with your coach. Also, I suggest to be prepared to take notes. With this being your first session, you will probably be laying out the background on your story for the first part of the session. Maybe an outline of your situation would be helpful in being efficient in laying out this background.
