It sounds like you were feeling pretty great about the whole thing and then you let your IC knock you off your stable platform.
here's my .02 (post DB coach session)
1. do i just take this as an opportunity to do something positive together - is it positive?
YES!!!! you keep wanting him to play frisbee but he wants to have a party instead. So don't be angry and how the positive memories can be formed together, instead roll with it and have fun.
2. do i let him know my real feelings: "h, i actually don't want to do this because i don't really want to do something like this with you, while we are in this sitch"
Pre-DB coach I would have said do what makes you feel most comfortable detach etc. Post I say stop trying to control when and how you want things to work. If you say that you're saying you may want to do something nice with friends and family but I'm saying no because you've moved out and you have a GF.
3. just stay quiet and co-operative, and allow him to do what he thinks he wants to do, and let him figure out the difficulties on his own - in other words, not bring my feelings into the equation at all. I would say don't let yourself be taken advantage of..ie don't stay up for 48 hours straight cooking and faint from heat and exhaustion, but don't make this party into a metaphor of your relationship. IE all my feelings are put aside and you're calling the shots...either I take a stand or I'm walked on. It's a party. It's supposed to be fun. So have fun. Show him (and yourself) and that you can be the life the party. Nothing is more attractive than looking across the room and seeing someone enjoying themselves, being entertaining, and a good host.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
when you put it like that - easy peasy! in the hours in between , i went back to my original stance and decided to just stop waffling and stay there!! the invites have gone out and now all i have to do is make the grande cake - i'll tell you guys about the cake later!!
just read your post about cheryl's phone call - really res'd with me. and even though i was leaning that way - but not quite sure: assume the good. when i read that, i just let it go.
everything you wrote is BANG ON!!! as in completely bang on. and you are sooooo right - here i am wanting to do a little thing like play frisbee - and i can't see the big thing he's offering - the whole damn party!!
so coach - thanks - oh and here's a little gift for you - just 3 days ago, i finally capitulated and bought a meditation cd that i'd known about for a couple of months.
so i downloaded it, and have done it several times since and it is AMAZING! i don't know if we are really allowed to post links but it's on the Abraham Hicks site, meditation cd - you can buy an instant down load and it costs about 15 bucks, and it is transformative.
it has taken me from being (as you all know) downright nutty to chilled out. i should add that for the last couple of months i was using a free version off youtube which i have mentioned here before that really chilled me out, but this is way past that!! it's based on law of attraction, and i can't tell you how effective it is. she advises in the user manual (which you'll get as a pdf, to do it 15 mins a day, but elsewhere i read that you can do it as many times as you like and even put it on before going to sleep - i did that last night and slept amazingly well).
the other thing that i have started doing is really special to me. after labug mentioned Melody Beatties' meditation book, which i got from the library, i also found one by her called "45 days to a miracle" (heck ,i'll try anything right?
well it was a different type of miracle than i was expecting. the book is really worth reading and i started following her suggestions of making a specific kind of list everyday. the "miracle is what happens inside you when you do that. i started a week ago - and it has helped me enormously in letting go, not being so affected by what is going on around me and also in resolving and helping myself work through my own issues and things i need to work on within myself. it's actually amazing what following her suggestions results in. i've never been able to calm myself and start to see more clearly. also it helps you to really define your feelings on what ever you're dealing with
so hope this helps someone else. the effect on me in just a week has been enormous.
thanks again brit - and a big ((( ))) . i am so definitely hooking up with you somewhere sometime in real time!!
off to do my little meditation and then big GAL tonight - me and girl friend are going out to eat and drinks. she's the one who offered me and s to move to france with them - first time we are hanging out together just her and me - so i am excited to really have a great conversation with her tonight about all kinds of stuff.
oh and fun times - at the immigration office (which is usually a stare you down look "are u a terrorist maybe" atmosphere - the moment i walked in - i was literally surrounded by the security guys who practically flirted and chatted with me for 15 mins on the way in. as i was leaving they said hey don't go, we want to hang out and talk some more. couldn't believe it!! my vibes are great these days - i know that - but that was over the top!! i had a lot of fun with them and actually a great conversation about india!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Glad you liked what I had to say. I do have a bit of a different outlook on things now. So I hope it rubbed off I do have a lot to share...I will say that the DB coach was in favor of ML. so there's that. I don't have a lot of time right now and don't know when I will I'm so busy.
when did this happen! LOL I will check out that meditation CD you suggested.
I think the ML (or is it just plain having sex? a ONS) is confusing. Can you have sex with the person you love and want back in your life with no expectation?
I don't have the answer, it's just a question.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Agreed - it's just a question/possible 180 to be considered. I considered it, and it doesn't work for me. Doesn't mean it wouldn't be appropriate for someone else. I do my 180s/GAL in other places in the meantime.
i agree - when we talked about it last week - i thought about it for a couple of days - and actually realized - that the way h is right now - he's not attractive to me.
also ml is so different from having sex - and i don't know if i can do the second, at least not with him. one big issue is that he isn't using protection with ow - so i would want him to get tested first
i know why he acts so pained and painful around me - he told me several times in the first few months ( and it really surprised me every time, because i didn't expect anything). he said it's completely agonizing for him to be around me for even a few minutes because he wants so badly to touch me and ml. early on he let the 3 of us go canoeing one day, and he behaved like an angry boar the entire time, after we came back to the house and before we left he managed to tell me what the reason was - "i was in agony - i couldn't get ml'ing with you out of my mind for one minute" . it was almost as if he's mad at himself and even more at me for having those feelings. sad..
we admitted to each other (him first) around month 3 of the sitch that in the weeks of talking and crying together after the bomb drop that we both fell in love with each other more deeply than the first time around. but after those words, he still added - but i can't be with you right now, and i just have to pursue this thing with ow.
so the only way for me to look at it is, for some reason (and i believe that there definitely IS an intuitive process going on with the WAS on some level), his instinct is compelling him to stay away - until he sees something within himself or me that shows him it's okay to come back.
another thing that really stuck out that he said one day was 'i feel too vulnerable with you, i feel too exposed" . after just reading the first chapter of how to improve.. i can hopefully start to have a better understanding of what he really means
i don't know where he's at really lately. the pessimistic hopeless side of me can't imagine that he has feelings for me anymore - if he does, he hides them so well. but there is no doubt that he is too aware of me. he's definitely not indifferent, in fact the total opposite
one of these days i should make a list of all the things i've done wrong during the db'ing and find a way to reverse my position on them. things that i've said, boundaries that i've made that i see now after all this time keep him driven away
but not today. today i'm going to concentrate on getting myself grounded - s comes back tomorrow after the longest he's been away and i need to get my head back into parent mode - find myself really a bit too aware of the one week on, one week off thing and how i struggle with it.
hope you all have a great day
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I think the ML (or is it just plain having sex? a ONS) is confusing. Can you have sex with the person you love and want back in your life with no expectation?
I don't have the answer, it's just a question.
I can answer that. In my case, in the beginning, I think I had huge expectations. Now, I feel it's a good thing for both of us. I still get small expectations but I talk myself through and out of them. I look at it now as two people who love each other (we have both confirmed this), trying to find their way, and enjoying physical intimacy. Maybe it will turn into more, maybe not.
I guess it depends on what the people involved can handle.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I look at it now as two people who love each other (we have both confirmed this), trying to find their way, and enjoying physical intimacy.
that's a great way to look at it and so glad that both of you can feel like that.
when i read that, i felt some sort of hope that maybe h and i could do the same..if he and i agreed about it in the same way. i so much miss the intimacy we had
but i don't know - we'll see. right now, i feel as if i just need to let things go along . he's been aggressive in a strange way lately as i mentioned before - i don't know if it's a reaction to me trying to change things in the dynamics between us or something else. i feel as if i just need to hang back and see how this party goes next week.
i'm going through so much internal upheaval myself as so much stuff is rising up from deep inside, that it's all i can do to get basic things done each day
thanks for telling us how you work it ss - it helps to hear a totally different take on it
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
