What if you changed the locks? At the very least it would force him to ask for something ahead of time. Or how about getting stickers that say "PROPERTY OF BRIT PLEASE CALL XXXXXXXXX TO BORROW"?
Or stop by his place to reclaim the items?
Okay you probably don't want to do any of these things. Just getting a little feisty in my neck of the woods today
Just finished my coaching with Cheryl. I agree with Broken and Vera she is pretty great.
I loved the way I would state an obstacle and Cheryl would say "oh god, who cares" or "they all say that"
She's convinced he is still very much in love with me and wants to be with me and I just need to make it fun and easy. I gotta tell you my heart isn't in it completely because of all the changes I think needs to made but she said that will come later after all the bricks are laid.
One thing she to me that really suck was Assume the Good. She said it sounds like I'm really good at noticing all the bad or finding the downside of something and I just need to assume the good and point out how what he's doing is making me happy. IE don't get angry that he's sending me text the day after he did something with GF tell him how happy I am that he thought of me at this important moment in my life.
I was really surprised at how quickly she sussed out things that he had mentioned about how he feels. And I felt like she gave me a pretty clear idea on how to help with that.
First lesson in assuming the good. I am so happy I didn't fly off the handle about the utility room sitch. I casually mentioned to S hey did you pull see some stuff was moved in there? And he said oh yeah I was trying to find something, H said he needed an extra X and I said oh we have loads of those, but I couldn't find that box of wires and cables you put up the other day.
so in my head I'd decided H didn't respect my things or boundaries etc and really it was a teenager. talk about over-analyzing!
She said that I don't need to be LRT or dark. I need "more of the same" So don't overly pursue and definitely don't point out any of his actions, but do text him from time to time with things that are fun, funny, interesting, or common ground. But not hey how are you or thinking of you.
Jeez, Brit! How much do I owe you? I feel better after YOUR coaching session I think what you're saying means to me is, give them a little slack and don't be so stuck on drawing lines in the sand. Most of them have seen too much of that from us already.
I'm glad you feel you benefited!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Yes! that's exactly what she's saying. She said to make his time when he's around me fun and happy. I told her that sometimes I worry should I be dark, should I detach, should I not pursue. And she said he sounded really confused (as does your H, SS) and to not shine a light on his confusion or his contradictions, let him work all that on his own. If he does bring stuff up, make a joke and be light hearted.
So my head says this all insane, but honestly why not? What's it gonna hurt to try it Cheryl's way? She did seem to really "get" him...which makes me think he's not as uncommon as I thought.
Hey Brit! Glad to hear your session was helpful with Cheryl and thanks for posting the findings. It sounds like you are feeling better about things and have a good way forward! I think it's about time for me to re-enlist. ;-)
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
I get a similar feeling after speaking with Cheryl..she does seem to 'get my H' as well. And you're right -it's helps to feel like they are not that uncommon.
I hope you have a super day
((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
One thing she said to me that really suck was Assume the Good
why does that suck? here we are EXPECTING AND WANTING to get back together with our was's. and if we think so bad of them, what does it say about what we are wanting?
otoh, that is f'ing hard to do in these circumstances. and we are so busy thinking the worst, that if we are lucky, we find out like you just did, that our assumptions are sometimes quite wrong.
the advice that cheryl gave you- is really good. i'm glad to hear that she encouraged you, rather than to go lrt, to stay out in the light.
can you talk a bit about how she gave you advice on what to do about what he says about his feelings?
I gotta tell you my heart isn't in it completely because of all the changes I think needs to made but she said that will come later after all the bricks are laid.
your heart doesn't have to be in it completely right now, exactly because of the reasons you state. on the other hand, careful that you don't sabotage what could be good progress and beneficial for both of you, by having expectations too early (his changes) and determining your attitude toward him because you don't see them fulfilled yet. those changes can only come when he feels that he can see from you certain things
so you can either create a catch 22 situation, where you are both expecting to see something first, or you can let go of it so you don't land up in that, because then there's no way forward
i'm seriously thinking of talking to cheryl myself. i feel a bit overwhelmed on how to present a clear picture of my sitch - there is too much info, and as you all well know, i'm not exactly reticent.
did you email her and fill her in before hand or start from scratch only in the phone call? how did you decide what info to give her and what to leave out - iow - how did you prepare for it?
i hope the phone call really helped you to be more clear about how to move forward
look forward to hearing gore about it
thanks zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
At the very least it would force him to ask for something ahead of time. Or how about getting stickers that say "PROPERTY OF BRIT PLEASE CALL XXXXXXXXX TO BORROW"? 