Cheryl (or any DB coach) would definitely help you with your dillema.
There is something about this forum that appears to attract people who are in pretty bad shape. For that reason, LRT often is the initial mode to be in until stabilized.
I suspect a coach would say the same, as does MWD in the book and dbmod just reminded us all of this a week or so in a post to one of our members.
LRT is TEMPORARY. LRT (like all DB) is for us, to protect ourselves and calm ourselves. But once we are there, once we have reached the zen necessary, we might do better to move out of LRT and look into the other methods for changing ourselves to change the M.
Specifically regarding dbmod's post and other advice from MWD, DO WHAT WORKS. So as far as pursuit goes, if our normal mode which possibly led to the breakdown of our M was distance, then a proper 180 would be to pursue (some). Of course, if pursuit is largely rejected by the other spouse, then it is not working and we should stop.
I don't know that pursuit wasn't working. What DID appear to be happening is when he responded kindly (which might suggest it was working), your expectations rose and then you got disappointed. You weren't detached enough to pursue without expectations of results.
The DB methods can and should be modified to suit our specific needs.
And yes, in the event that you and/or your H each get re-married to someone else, then any R / friendship you two might have MUST be open and fully transparent to your respective mates. You COULD continue to be his friend in the way you've described, but that friendship and communication would be with the full knowledge of each and every one of you.
What DID appear to be happening is when he responded kindly (which might suggest it was working), your expectations rose and then you got disappointed. You weren't detached enough to pursue without expectations of results.
I look back now and I can see how often he used the phrase "I don't want to lead you on" I think that's exactly what happened. I may not have been honest with myself about what my expectations were then. And TBH since the (last)bomb drop I went dim so that I wouldn't make it worse, and just hoped for ANY communication.
I keep saying I want a friendship and then I keep wrestling with my own emotions about the M being over and him being in a new R. And then I get confused about what it is I'm doing. Which is why it was great that Kaffe said yesterday he won't be with you.
Every now and then I get so wrapped up in my internal drama that I forget to just live in what is happening RIGHT NOW.
[quote] Every now and then I get so wrapped up in my internal drama that I forget to just live in what is happening RIGHT NOW.
This is so great!! It happens to so many of us and knowing it is important because then we can change it. Thanks for saying this Brit! Great reminder to many!!
Had a great night GAL. S had a great night with H.
Decided that I have entirely too much going on and going for me to sit around analysing and rethinking out R, our friendship, etc. I've let way too much of my life go by these last few months because I've been so wrapped up in this.
I've learned a lot about myself and I've developed a better relationship with my son and now it's time to start widening that circle...train for this 10 mile race, join a dance class with a friend, recommit myself to my career...
The DB methods can and should be modified to suit our specific needs.
And yes, in the event that you and/or your H each get re-married to someone else, then any R / friendship you two might have MUST be open and fully transparent to your respective mates. You COULD continue to be his friend in the way you've described, but that friendship and communication would be with the full knowledge of each and every one of you.
Thanks guys! Not sure I'm trying to win anyone back but you know thanks!
H dropped S off last night rather than him taking a train I thought that was nice since it was way out of his way! This morning I noticed the cabinet open in the utility room, a box on the floor, and the video camera bag on the cabinet. I have no worries that H would take something of mine, but I felt a bit funny seeing my things "gone through" He hadn't said he was taking the x, y, or z. And he hadn't bothered to put things back. I don't want to start an argument or sound like a paranoid person (don't touch my stuff unless I'm there) but I feel like it should be addressed. Also he didn't do a quick handyman job he'd said he'd do.
I just keep remembered his mom the other day say oh you know H things at my house disappear then reappear .... And now he's doing it to me.
pick your battles. it's really not his job to be the handyman. he's no longer obligated. it's a favor, really, and if a friend says they will do you a favor and don't, then maybe it's time to stop asking or accepting offers to help. that will help stop the expectations (which lead to all kinds of negatives).
as far as your things, maybe just ask him first if he was in there and what he was after?
i know it's not fair that he's with another and yet, still treats you with so much familiarity. it must feel as if he has the best of both worlds, huh?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
not worried at all about the handyman job. It was the disregard for my belongings. That he left things scattered about, didn't mention to me that he was taking anything etc. I am positive that he might make me feel like I was making it into a bigger issue.
Quote:
i know it's not fair that he's with another and yet, still treats you with so much familiarity. it must feel as if he has the best of both worlds, huh?
That's not what upsets me. If my sister had done this I would be upset. I think it's pretty common courtesy that if you're going to take something you let someone know. If it's yours to take you still might give them a heads up. And at the very very least you pick up the mess you made at someone else's house.
I'm honestly not upset about the whole with another anymore. In fact I almost asked if he wanted to take some things in the garage for this weekend but then I thought if he does he'll ask. But monday I just decided to be happy for him in the best way possible and be happy for myself. and that's what I'm doing!
