You really are amazing. When I read your first post under this thread I worried.
But now getting to the end of it I see once again how strong you are and what wonderful insight and understanding you have of your sitch, your H and your own wants and needs.
You show grace and maturity and a deep understanding of needing to b e patient, fair and forgiving.
My H is also in a R with someone else. He lied so much and hurt me so deeply that I think I get you when you say you love him as a person right now ( after doing an already tremendous amount of self reflection and healing) but not as someone you are in love with at the moment.
Continue working on yourself. And think of your talk with Cheryl as something you are doing for yourself - to give you more support in becoming the best Brit you can be. You can go to the BBQ afterwards. You might feel better after the talk anyway and have an even better time than you thought you could.
Thinking of you...
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Continue working on yourself. And think of your talk with Cheryl as something you are doing for yourself - to give you more support in becoming the best Brit you can be. You can go to the BBQ afterwards. You might feel better after the talk anyway and have an even better time than you thought you could.
^^I agree. Think of Cheryl time as an investment in yourself. It's helpful to talk to a pro to help you remember that you're not crazy! (totally )
it's okay to really acknowledge the feeling syou expressed your first post here, brit.
in fact writing them down and letting them out is the key to feeling them less. you may find that after doing this, as intensely as you did, they may not be as weighted as you first thought.
i think you got some great advice - especially about staying still and not acting on these feelings before you speak with cheryl.
sometimes it's hard to see when we're in it, but even this, is part of the roller coaster for us LBS's getting really fed up and done, and then after we calm down, we find ourselves still standing.
if you really feel like that after a few weeks consistently, then you'll know where you are, but a few days of it isn't always the truest thing,
so be patient with yourself and most importantly come here and vent and appreciate, because it's all part of the roller coaster.
i think we know when we are really done, is when we feel calm and serene and patient and we just turn away, not in any kind of reaction to what has been going on.
as busting said - you're one helluva woman!! keep being that and go read that caner forecast again
glad you had such a great day with your s.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I think we all could still love our spouses, how could you not given the emotional investment placed in it. With that being said, there comes a moment of clear vision that screams at you that YOU are worthy of a loving, honest, authenic relationship. The hurts came in waves, and I for one was ready to get out of the water.
We all grieve for what could have been...but in the end, we must make ourselves happy.
3 months ago I was rejected when I wanted to work on the M, and now I'm being rejected in friendship, and all those rejections are making me angry because I can't control them, and they aren't happening on my timeline. I feel shut out on all levels. And yet I'm still getting drips and drops of the side of him that made me fall in love with him.
ok, you certainly PARTLY understand...
Thing is... if he meant it... he WOULD BE those things you list as a friend.
What ever his reasons for not being those things... they are just reasons... would you let any other "friend" treat you the way he does?
Originally Posted By: Brit45
Sorry Kaffe you can cut to the point with very good questions and I have to waffle about to sort myself out...
lol... well, I've messed up a few diamonds 'cause my chisel didn't always cut to the point, and not always still...
Originally Posted By: Brit45
Quote:
Why would you otherwise want to be friends with someone who is not being friends with you...?
because I want him in my life. But maybe just like he needed some time to come around to spending time with SS, he just needs time to see what a friendship with me can look like while he's in a R.
ok, I'll give you that. Still, in the mean time, you may want to let him know that this friendship isn't quite as what you might define it.
Not really sure how to say that to him, atm... but you could always ask him what makes a friendship... and then compare notes with him...
*shrug*
Go over that bit that I reposted from Accuray in the WoW thread. I think you might be able to translate that to how you and your H can be friends...
I completly understand how you feel, I have felt the same way.
And it is so true about the texts! Every 5-7 days I get all excited because he will text me, and then I go over the possible replies I could send. Sometimes it gives me glimpses of hope "do we have to accept this", "I still find life very hard", "honestly I would love to have my family back"...all for him to return to his "normal" and go dark. All of that anticipation for nothing.
I also grew weary of thinking about what he could possibly be doing, re reading past texts to find hope, writing letters just to throw them away. Looking like a swollen eyed zombie from crying...
Yeah, I totaly get you. I get sick and tired of felling sick and tired. And then some complete stranger tells me how beautiful or amazing I am, or says stuff like "well he is a lucky man". Ha! And then I think, I don't need this [censored]!
Detaching saves us from our sanity. I had enough of his flip flopping and told him I was going to file the next day. And I meant every word of it. I have grown too much to accept this sitch the way that it is. And you know what? He beat me to the punch, filled and had me served the next day.
Am I grief stricken? Nope. If it's meant to end, let it end. I won't be mean or try to punish him, but I will cary myself with dignity.
I will tell you this though, even since then, I have found myself teary eyed and in prayer for our M. You are on the down side of the roller coaster. It's ok, it's normal and I'm pretty sure it's even healthy.
I would just caution you that if you are pissed, done, angry, sad...VENT HERE. Despite what you are feeling today, next week or even in the morning you find yourself feeling very different. We may be strangers, but we are here, and we care.
<3
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
First thank you to everyone: yes this is why I vent/journal here. If I just put it in a journal then no one can tell me I'm being silly or this too will pass. I have not approached him with crazy talk of how I feel since the bomb drop of 5/22.
Quote:
Still, in the mean time, you may want to let him know that this friendship isn't quite as what you might define it.
I wrestle with this. I have thought of that. Thought of suggesting we have coffee twice a month to "catch up" But I as I'm starting to learn about myself I am worried that I am dressing up pursuit or control under "need to have a friendship" I can't control what our friendship will look like.
I do look at the end of April when I had decided only to work on the friendship, we were in contact much more because I initiated as well. We were much more "friendly" But then I decided that was pursuit, don't let them cake eat..etc etc Perhaps this is something Cheryl can advise on.
Here was my friends list:
He said I was his best friend and we would always be friends. So here's my rules to be his friend: Friends don't sabotage the others relationship Friends don't flirt with each other. Friends don't sleep with each other. Friends want the best for that person. They're happy for the other's acheivements. Friends aren't jealous of one another. Friends don't have an agenda. Friends don't try to push thier wishes/hopes/dreams/opinions onto that the other A Friend listens more than talks. A friend tries to understand where you're coming from instead of telling you why you're wrong. A friend never says I told you so.
I would say actually he does all those things...other than the whole flirting. He does flirt sometimes. If I looked at this like "any other friend" like you said that really I wouldn't be worried about anything. He's there when I need him. He volunteers do things when I don't ask. He doesn't ignore texts if I initiate. He texts me to congratulate me.
Perhaps I'm overthinking all of it. If I put it in the context of 5 years from now, even if we're both happily married to other people would I be worried about texting and saying hope you guys have a great time this weekend? No I wouldn't.
In other news, I woke up from a dream feeling so serene, content, and happy it was amazing. I'm not sure if it was because I'd seen all these Dads yesterday but I had a dream I was at the beach and walked over to Coworker (the one I was seeing), he was with his son who was videotaping the water and I noticed I was in the shot...so I got up and moved the otherside of CoWorker. Coworker asked why and I said I was in the way, your son doesn't want me in the picture. Coworker put his arm around me and hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. And I woke up and wanted to go back.
I don't think the dream had anything to do with my Coworker (except that I see him an amazing dad and will make someone a great husband one day) I think it had everything to do with deep inside knocking myself out of the running of a happy family with more kids one day and that's not true.
I am GAL tonight while H and S are hanging out, then I have Cheryl tomorrow.
i think we know when we are really done, is when we feel calm and serene and patient and we just turn away, not in any kind of reaction to what has been going on.
I think this is brilliantly put. Thank you
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I do look at the end of April when I had decided only to work on the friendship, we were in contact much more because I initiated as well. We were much more "friendly" But then I decided that was pursuit, don't let them cake eat..etc etc Perhaps this is something Cheryl can advise on.
I thought about this....and I thought about things in terms of if it were my GF would I? And in that frame of mind I texted him to say I probably wouldn't be here when he picked up S that I was going to the theatre, but that could catch up maybe after he gets back from this weekend because I'd really like to hear about that and I could tell him about yesterday. he says DAMN I was really looking forward to hearing all about yesterday. I'll have to catch you another time. I told him he would have liked yesterday in a funny way. That if I don't talk to him before this weekend I hope "you guys" have a great time. I'm a bit jealous that they'll be seeing x music artist but excited for him. He replied and talked about music a bit. So I replied and did the same and said I would be leaving something of his by the door if he could remember to take it.
And you know what I feel Fan-F*cking-Tastic!!! I approached him and the text as a friend. (just like they say in how to improve your marriage without talking about it) and I got great response. If I separate my selfish "he can't have any experiences ever in life if they aren't with me" then yes, I AM excited for him for this weekend. I do want him to have fun and enjoy life.
So then I went out for the morning, ran some errands, went into some shops I hadn't been in before, and "ate the strawberries" I just feel good.
No he isn't with me. He isn't leaving her with me. If he did, we would still have a hard row to hoe. This is what we look like right now, and I can either be angry and shut him out, be sad and make him feel guilty about that, be bitter and be snide with him, or just be an adult.
I said a long time ago that he's offering me friendship and I can accept that or not. I'm not going to work any harder at this friendship than I would any other friendship. I used to really really want THAT CHANCE of us working things out. But sometimes we don't get those things as much as we think it's the right thing.
I remember how hurt I was when he used words like timing, and it's sad because we did have a good thing but sometimes that's how it is...and now I'm starting to feel like that. If this is all there is, if this is all there was, that can be okay. Yesterday I was tired and I think I was tired because I had been grieving for all the dreams and hopes of our M. The kids, the trips, the growing old, etc. But I think a lot of that was just plain old feeling sorry for myself.
)