s i've decided to add a little humor to my life. yesterday i was so down on myself it was ridiculous. then i see cainers horoscope for tomorrow, and i started to laugh -
for all you sages out there - read and follow!!
If you want to feel bad, it isn't hard. No special skills are required, no training sessions are needed. You just have to give yourself a bit of a hard time. Criticise some of your recent choices. Doubt whether you really should be doing what you are doing at the moment. Wonder why anyone else on this earth could ever like you when you are not so sure that you even like yourself that much. There. That's more than enough on that subject. Now, here's how to make yourself feel good? Just refrain from doing any of the above!
let's all put this one to good use, eh?
cheers zig
[s. i swear this roller coaster ride sometimes makes me wonder if i'm manic depressive the way my moods shoot up and down!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i've been busy yesterday and today - my intern started and after 4 hrs when she was almost ready to leave, h called and said that s would like to spend the afternoon here. i was delighted - as i hadn't seen him since i came back from my trip, and that was the first time i was out of town during this sitch.
so s came over and i just decided to do some stuff with him - i could feel a really strong need for him to be close to me- he even wrapped his arms around me while h was here , which is unusual. after h left, it seemed as if every few minutes he wanted a hug or to stay really close. so i decided that we should do something fun on the knitting machine together and he just loved it. we had such a great time. after that we hung out together just cuddling for almost an hour - he still didn't seem reassured, and then finally he felt it enough to go play in his room and do his own stuff.
seems like he wants to come here every afternoon, and i just said to him that it was okay. today h called again and seemed really pained at having to ask me again - and i just said it was fine, and that the only day i couldn't do it this week was wednesday
i'm staying friendly and co-operative. inside, i've given up, have no expectations of anything - even a civil conversation!! and surprise - all the conversations have been friendly . in fact yesterday he acted out a bit of a funny movie for s and i that made us really laugh - watching him, i realized that was the first time he tried to make us laugh or even said something funny around the 2 of us together.
i know i have really let go a lot - yesterday he was friendly and chatty and stayed for quite a while when he dropped s off and also when he picked him up. today the exact opposite - barely in the house for a minute - not growling and abrupt, but reluctant to stay for very long.
in the past - i would have felt that so strongly and been disappointed and wanted to "do" something - today i didn't really care - just sort of noticed it from a distance.
seems as if it's better to just mirror his mood - if he's more forthcoming then join in casually, if he's pulled back, give him his space. i have also finally accepted that going dim or dark and doing the whole mysterious thing and setting big strong boundaries that "show" him that we are separated has really fired back on me all these months.
i had to do it because i was such an emotional mess, but now, when i am not, it is easier to just allow whatever it is that;s happening ,see him frequently and not be affected by it. i know i couldn't do that before, but it seems as if i can do it better now
i've finally found the strength within myself to start turning away from h and what he's about, toward myself and what i'm about. i know that it won't all be smooth going, but instead of using all my patience on the sitch i'm going to start using most of it on myself.
i heard this the other day:
"when you are in a good place within yourself, you never leave anything, you just go somewhere else"
i think that is truly what detachment is about - not a reaction or a decision, just a turning to other things, something more fulfilling, something that makes you feel good about yourself, somewhere where you are just okay..
i've decided to find out what that somewhere else is for awhile - within myself...
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
it's sad, now when i've taken h off the pedestal, so to speak, to really see how he can be.
had to call him about the invite list. his general attitude is really forceful - sort of along the lines of "everyone is just f'ing going to do it the way i think it should be done!" tone of voice.. i'm so NOT getting caught up and reacting to that, just sort of patiently responding with that's fine. it seems to work, because then his voice relaxes a bit and he discusses details, then suddenly gets abrupt and as soon as i hear the shift in his voice i say ok great talk to you later and end the call
s had to call me back so i could ask him something about how to use the on line invitation site, and he was in the middle of explaining it to me, when i hear this loud obnoxious groan sound in the background (they were driving) - obviously h's voice. i asked s calmly - is that your dad getting upset because you're explaining this stuff to me. and he replied yes. so i just quietly said to s, don't worry about it i'll figure it out on my own.
it's really off putting - h absolutely does not want to deal with it, insists i do it, but doesn't want to be hassled with us figuring out how to do it. after i got off the phone with s and did the head count (30 adults and 22 kids - i said it was a big bash!), my first thought was - what on earth are we into here?
first of all i don't think we can afford it and secondly - if we can't play frisbee together for 20 mins how on earth does he think we are going to cook for all these people together and host a party from 2 pm to midnight.
this is going to require some serious patience on my part!
in the first convo he sort of blurted out - s is really excited about the party, in this rather strange intense voice. i wish i had waited quietly - i may have lost the chance that he was trying to say something. instead i just said yes he is, without thinking. maybe he's getting stressed about it now, and can hardly get out of it.
frankly it's his own problem - his parents got s excited about still having it the same old way as before - months ago!
interesting little detail - he wanted to take the people who didn't know about our separation off the list!!
i think when he hears the head count, it's going to freak him out. i'm just going to stay quiet and let him decide what to do. frankly i don't really care about the details - (see - i REALLY don't feel like controlling) and would much rather he and s decided everything - less for me to think about. i just plan to be there and quietly do what i am really good at, show my love and support for our s and our friends.
it might sound like i'm letting him do the run around on me, but from where i'm standing now, it doesn't feel like that, because suddenly all i can see is him digging his own hole (while he's cursing and kicking) and me sitting at my sweet little picnic with my back to it (the hole that is and him, too!).
i feel so calm right now - a couple of weeks ago this would have been enough to send me over the edge completely!!! i think it was hearing that groan - just wanted to take myself away from the source of it.
off to the grocery store, get myself some dinner - too lazy and hot to cook tonight
zig
if any of you have some feedback or advice about this crazy scenario - would appreciate it. if s wasn't so upset at the idea of not having the same kind of party as always, i wouldn't touch this with a 10 ft. pole!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i just came back from an appointment with IC.i was expecting to feel good, instead i'm back in a difficult place.
after hearing about the b'day party and how h has been behaving - she was a bit appalled - she thought it was a really bad idea to host a big bash together . the hour ended with her basically telling me that i need to figure out what to do - that she thought it was all of us enabling him - by letting him give the impression that everything was okay.
i have waffled through the night - going back and forth, and trying to do it was calmly as i can.
she thought it was bizarre that he wanted to do it in the first place - something that meant a lot to us all these years.
1. do i just take this as an opportunity to do something positive together - is it positive? 2. do i let him know my real feelings: "h, i actually don't want to do this because i don't really want to do something like this with you, while we are in this sitch" 3. just stay quiet and co-operative, and allow him to do what he thinks he wants to do, and let him figure out the difficulties on his own - in other words, not bring my feelings into the equation at all.
i guess my dilemma here is, do i stand up for my own needs or put s's needs in front of mine. s wants this party - for whatever reason - most probably as an indicator that everything hasn't changed. and i just want to move ahead into really living this separation.
can't help thinking that when h feels like it, he wants to do something together - like go on the boulder school trip, and then he chooses to withdraw and go ahead with whatever he wants to be doing.same with the party.
in the context of db'ing and finding the right solutions, is it more solution oriented to just go with what they want to do, when they are willing (no matter what there motives may be, or can be interpreted as), or to lean more towards just separating more fully?
i can't help thinking that i am being tested here - in some way by him. i can't figure out what the test is. there have been a lot of small hints recently - him insisting i do little things his way - as if he is really trying to find out if i am listening to him. things that he shouldn't even be concerned about - like which bedroll i use on a camping trip.
since that was one of his biggest grievances, that he didn't feel heard and i never listened to what he wanted - i find myself leaning toward , just listening to how he wants to do it, and saying okay and just going with it.
is my resistance here more about not feeling in control? that the picture in my mind that i want to see is both of us deciding together, not just being told. but if i look back, i can see how i tended to do that with him - only difference that i didn't growl it at him
sigh - these invites should be sent out by now. and i have this urge (questionable) whether i should talk it out honestly with him before hand or not.
when i recited a couple of the conversations recently with h to IC today, and asked her for advice on how to respond correctly so that we could really communicate - she said that his responses were typical of someone who 1. did not know how to begin to communicate and 2. did not want to learn how (iow, unwilling and unable).
oth, she said i was unable but willing - i don't know how to put my point across but was at least aware and willing to learn how to do it.
what a quandary!! i find myself realizing for the first time, that i have the same complaint that h does about me. i am scared and nervous to lay my real feelings out because experience has taught me that they will be rebuffed and rejected and pounced upon and totally dismissed. the sad thing is that h NEVER let me know his feelings, but STILL feels that i did that to him
so in this present situation, even though i want to tell him how i really feel about this party, i am too scared to do so....
can anyone help me see what my real dilemma is about here? is it just my ego, and wanting certain things, am i approaching it from the correct standpoint. i'm not trying to over analyze here - just trying to figure out what is me and what is too mixed and dysfunctional to make any sense of
tahnks zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
You are so brave and I admire your introspection. If you son wants a party and you want to give your son a party, I would go ahead and do it. But, I would give him the kind of party you think you are capable of or want to-- even if that's different than what's been done in the past. Hey, it might even be better. I know exactly what you mean about being afraid to ask for what you want. I'm the same way. I also think that it's a form of low-grade abuse for our H's to contribute to our fear of speaking out with their attitudes. At some point, we have to draw a line in the sand and just say "no mas." I think that standing up to your H on this will be hard at first but will get easier each time. So I would find out what S really wants and then try to give him the core of that (even if you can't/don't give him the whole big shebang).
