I'm glad you had a good weekend and a seemingly positive interaction w/ your w but tread carefully here.
Don't let her know your game plan and don't talk about your changes. She will see them and more importantly believe them through your consistant actions, not by your words.
I wish you the best Tin but I warn you on letting your expectations get the best of you.
Keep working on yourself and give her space as you say you are going to do.
You've read the analogy of a squirrel on here before right?
Well I am back. It has been a while since I updated and it has been one heck of a roller coaster ride.
My W and I had about 2 weeks of being back together. It was like being on our honeymoon again. She told me how she wanted to work on us and how she missed us. She told me she loved me and knew that we were going to make it through all of this. Then like started back up.
Strike one - My girls came home from spending a week with their Mother. We went down to my W house and went swimming. My oldest D who is 12 was spitting water in my youngest D face. I did not see it but my W asked her to stop. At that point my D12 swam over to my W and spit water in her face. My wife did not take it well. It was very disrespectful. I spoke to D12 and she apologized but damage was done. After talking more to D12 she said that her Mother had told her that if I won the custody case D12 would never see her or her half-sister 5 again. The court case was to be at the end of August so her mother had been extremely nice to her and she was crushed thinking that she would never see them again.
Strike two – Two days later I was served with and order or protection filed by my crazy X. Ended up going to court to fight it a week later and my attorney asked that my W be there. Just so happened that the court date was the second day of my W being back to work at school and she had to cancel a presentation she was to give and missed several meetings. Plus she was pretty freaked out thinking she would have to testify in court and deal with my X. We went to court and she came with me and was wonderfully supportive. As it turned out the Judge dismissed her Order of Protection because it was complete BS. One of the claims was that I was breaking into her home and she knew it was me because the toilet seat was left up. Really!
Strike Three – I had to meet with the custody evaluator and asked her to come with me. She did and again was very supportive. Then a week later the custody evaluator issued a letter to the court saying that he did not have enough time to finish the report before the court date and needed to push out the court date by one month. The court ended up pushing the court date out three months. So now this mess which was almost at an end was now going to continue for another 3 months. To top all of my baggage off my W’s boys are starting to have problems at their father’s home. He remarried about 6 months ago and they don’t get along with the step brother and the Father’s marriage is strained and he is being very hard on boys.
So over the last month my W has been putting more and more distance between us. She stopped telling me she loves me and in the last two weeks I saw her once on labor day when she invited us down to go swimming. She has told me that she feels like what is going on between us and now what is going on at her x home she has let her boys down. She said she has to focus on them. She told me that they have told her that they are happier just being with her.
About a week ago I kind of blew up and told her that I could not continue to do this and I did not understand why she was pushing me away again. I told her I loved her but if she did not want to be with me then she should go ahead and file for D. She said she needed time and said she would make no decisions about us until after the court date in November and she would not do anything if her boys were not on board with it. She said that she would understand if I could not wait. At one point I told if she wanted me to be done then just tell me that she does not love me. She did not respond. I thought about it for a few days and sent her an email telling her I understand but it is very hard. I told her I was not giving up on us but I would basically back of until November. She responded that means a lot… thank you.
I have not heard from her in a few days.
I am back to DB’ing and keeping my mouth shut. Not very good at that but there is not really much I can do about some of these issues other than wait and see.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
I don't think pad the brakes would have prevented anything. Everything that happened to cause this was something that was outside source. Kids, crazy x, her x. All those things would have happened reguardless of what I did.
As far as DB'ing goes. I have had very limited contact with her over the last two weeks. I am going to TRY and keep from initiating contact. I am going to step up the GAL. Still going to gym, going to church, still riding my bike most mornings and I am signing up for a class that starts tomorrow night. I took a new job about a month ago which is a lot more stable, I have started a side job and am in the process of trying to buy a home. Also trying to be a better father to my girls.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
IMO, you also must protect her from the drama that's happening in your life with your ex and your daughters. Stop taking her to court and other custody hearings. Don't tell her about what's going on with it. It's too much stress for her. It's wearing her out. She is feeling that her life would be better off without this especially, since she has her own problems with an ex.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I agree with what you are saying. This has been tremendously hard on her and our relationship. The problem is that she is my absolute best chance at getting the court to understand what is going on with my Crazy Ex! My W (Child Psychologist) pushed me to peruse full custody and without her involvement I have little hope of changing that situation. So my options are to involve her and try and keep it limited or to completely pull her out of the situation and most likely end up not being about to show the court what is going on with my x and my kids.
If I go down that road then my W will be gone for sure. She can not deal with having my x having so much control over our lives. Sure I can set up rules and guidleines about how we deal with that situation but my kids come home and it takes them at least a day to recove from being with thier mother and that is what is hardest on my W.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Well Tinman, that is true, you couldn't have stopped those things from happening. My question had more to do with your comment that you were DBing again which led me to think you had stopped doing the things that were working. Maybe I'm wrong in my interpretation.
A lot of bad stuff happens to us in life, how we react or respond to those things is the measure of growth.
How were you reacting or responding?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
This past Thursday was when I decided I needed to start the DB process again. The previous couple of weeks I started to cut back on the amount of communication as she had started having very short responses and sometimes no response at all. She might follow up the next day and just say something like "the boys were having a rough day after being with their father so I just spent time with them last night"
I should also mention that about three weeks ago she started hormone replacement therapy. The first couple of days she had a lot more energy and was feeling much better. Not sure how she is doing now as I have so limited contact with her.
I think I am handling the other items as best as I can. She even told me that the way I handled the situation with my daughter was great but it did not fix the damage done. With the x and the custody case I have kept most of that on the need to know and for the most part unless it is a big issue, she does not need to know. However she keeps a close eye on things. She use to look at the court website every day to see if anything new had happened and she works in the school system so she hears a lot from other sources.
So the things I think I need to work on. - Giving her time to work thru things but she has told me in the past that knowing I am not giving up on her has really helped her thru some of this. So trying to figure out a balance. - Working on taking out my GARBAGE! Resolving or at least improving my personal situation. Health, finances and custody battle. - Try and figure out a way to connect with her boys. This one has got me stumped. I have done something to try and connect with them but they are so content to sit at home with their mom. They really don't need anything or anyone else in their lives.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
"This past Thursday was when I decided I needed to start the DB process again".
This^^^^^ was your big mistake. DBing is a way of life that you don't put on hold when things get better. It is ongoing, behavior change that will be better and permanent. When you decide to not DB you go back to your old ways and come right back here...... Makes sense?
"I am going to TRY and keep from initiating contact".
Why are you doing this^^^??? If you are doing LRT technique YOU don't try YOU do it. K
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
