Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

journal:

H and I had a great weekend again (in my opinion). but then I go and mess it up with calling/texting because the conversation turned to money and i got stressed out. I realize WHY I did what I did. Now to stop it in the future... I am working on building a financial buffer so I feel more secure

I saw his bank statement (don't snoop don't snoop!) and he had a lot of money in it. I saw my bills... unpaid and high. I stressed. I was frustrated that a lot of his charges were bar charges, and i let my mind get the better of me. On top of he is always telling me he is poor, where he has 400% x the money I Have right now (primarily because I paid everything in repairs to the home i now have up on the market).

I regressed about 2 months in progress for myself...but he is still talking. I did relatively well for 3 weeks, and I slipped. He told me that there wasn't 1 thing in particular I did 'wrong' in the marriage, but that he was unhappy for a year (he mentions his job in this sentence) and decided he didn't want to be married anymore. He also said that he felt he wasn't 'worthy of being upset over'. I said, "I think you are" and he said "I don't feel I am". He also said that at night he wasn't 'happy' with the way things are now. But it's part of the 'process'. (What I hear is 'victim of my own choice' when he says that).

Another bar visit last night... I heard it on the phone in the background. He's 'working' with a [male] business partner, and they are meeting at bars to discuss ideas. I was exhausted and crying because kiddo wasn't sleeping. I said "how come you always get to go out at night and I am the one who has to do the night time stuff?" Yikes. Resentment 101 = not enough 'fun' stuff for LIO. GAL table for 1.

I am writing this here because I don't want to talk about it anymore with him.

As i see it:
1) I took the good day and wanted 'more' - Chasing as Kat puts it.
2) Snooping is bad.
3) I don't trust him
4) My goal that took up 3 weeks is done. And I need a new one asap.


My goals are for the week:
1) When he is there, be nice, don't be available. (Going out on a girls night this friday!)
2) resume the no call/no text. One slip up. don't make a bad slip a habit.
3) "live your life like he is not coming back" ~ Truegritter
(Starting looking at places to live, regardless what happens, S and I need to be stable. I am unsure if it's out of state or not. I am a bit afraid to be honest. I need to do some serious soul searching on this)
4) ask for more hours at work to save more (done.. didn't want to really but if I want to 'feel' financially independent, it's money that will do it)
5) Looking at Taekwondo for S and I tomorrow evening.

[LIO]

Journal:
got home too late to check out taekwondo for S and I. Will go later this week. H didn't go to work today and hung around the house (not his apartment). Asked me if it was okay. "sure". I went to work for a bit and stayed longer than usual so he would have son longer. H is still here downstairs watching tv and going to cook us dinner tonight.

I noticed when he talked about not wanting to be married, he also talked about his dead-end career in the next breath. Like they are related. Yesterday I did mention that to him that he's done that a few times now. He didn't say anything (I didn't expect anything to be said).

Been thinking about the 180s from things that I can do that will benefit ME only. This is the first time I've put me as a priority on changes I'm making.

Also setting some new goals from a bucket list I'm making. I am focused on my food/exercise. I also signed up for a few classes (starting a business, hypnosis, and eek! at the end of summer, learning to ride a motorcycle!).

[kat727]

Has he been paying you child support yet? I think this needs to be addressed.

While he may have equated unhappiness with his job as unhappiness at home, this is something he is going to have to learn are not related. I know how badly you want to fix everything. However your job is to take care of you and your son. He has to work out his issues. No one can do that for him. It also doesn't help for you to remind him. He will see it as you nagging or fixing or controlling.

Again focus on you and son. Keep conversations to the house and son and things related to those 2 things. I think I have told you before, the only people I know on here that saved their relationships were the ones that really dropped the rope and were ready and willing to move forward without their spouse. It isn't game playing but what you are willing and ready to do.

hang in there, kat

[LIO]

Kat:
Just got the money today - with a 'little joke'. One step up from the usual fight about it.

I've been replaying what you said in my mind " your job is to take care of you and your son. He has to work out his issues" for the last few days. Thank you - I keep reminding myself that it is not my place to 'fix' him. Just seeing it (and continuing to see it) in black and white helps.

[LIO]

Journaling:
Working on patience and slowing down.

I'll start with the more important things first: S and I went to taekwondo and he warmed up to it. I think he will be a natural, and I'm looking forward to learning with him. He and I practiced at home.
I got more hours at work (I want to save as much as I can, and I need to be ready to pay for son's school by myself if needed). Until the house sells, I've been given some time to think about where I want to be and what I want to do. I'd rather make a informed decision and well thought out, before being reactionary.

I have been pretty good about exercise and food this week.

In H and Relationship news:

H is still living at apartment, no furniture, but coming over now nearly every day at 5:00am and staying longer. He is being more communicative now and not biting my head off. Even making breakfasts again. He's making comments about being 'old'.

I talked to him briefly yesterday about me needing him to be here tonight so I could go out and GAL (got a girls night planned of drinks, dinner, movie) he tried to ask me specifics but I'm being vague. He's made some comments about how he bets there are a lot of other men who would are lining up for me. I didn't play into 'reassuring' him this time.

I was hung up on when I said I had an office space for him and that I would respect his boundaries if the door was closed (something I didn't do before). He said he was 'considering it'. I said okay and to be fair, I would want to keep 1/2 of my paycheck, as he keeps 1/2 of his paycheck. Then I stayed quiet (after I caught myself pressing him, I didn't want to continue it more). He hung up on me and then when I didn't call back - he called back an hour later apologizing for hanging up and gave me some lame excuse. I said 'oh okay' and didn't engage in conversation to try to make him feel better (and to keep myself from running off at the mouth again).

I woke up to H stumbling around at my house at 3 am (not his apartment that I'm sure was closer to the bar he went to). This going to bars so frequently is not a normal activity for him but I just gave him a bemused look. (Old LIO response would be to confront him about who he would be with that late.)

I saw him fiddling with his phone (texting??) I said nothing. (the old LIO would have ripped that phone from his hand and angrily said 'what girl are you texting now?'). He said "Life just [censored], everything about life [censored]. Life [censored]". I said: "You want me to sing a Killers' song? It's not so bad, it's not so bad, how do you know that you're right?" [this thread name is a lyric from that song]. He asked me to sing another song that he named instead. Being drunk, he laughed at everything I said (which wasn't a lot) like I was a wonderful comedienne.

He was in the midst of being sick, I gave him a wet towel for his neck and he said "I don't want to be married, why are you taking care of me?" in a confused tone. I replied "You make your own choices on what you do, and what you want. I am allowed the same - so I don't want you telling me what I can't do" I turned around and went to bed. He stayed in the bathroom for a bit, and eventually found his way into bed. I made it a point to not touch him at all then because I didn't want to give him a 'passive excuse' (like 'I'm drunk) for engaging in physical relationship. I woke up with his legs surrounding me.

Today he has been really caring towards me. I'm not talking any more than I need to - but he's making a point to make eye contact with me.

I am really working on shutting up today. Just because he's being nice doesn't give me an invitation to blab away, or engage him in my plans.

I will say that I am very much aware that he will try to slide back in if he had a chance. I don't want to close the door on him, but I am also not waiting on him or taking care of business for him either. It actually scares me a bit to think about him coming back - so I try to not think about it.

[LIO]

Okay one more post!
I found out today that my screenname here in spanish means:

1: confusion, mess
2: hassle, trouble, jam <meterse en un lío : to get into a jam>
3: affair, liaison

interesting! I made it up because it was an acronym for something more personal for me. Who knew how it could mean something more 'fitting' as well.

[scaredsilly]

Great self-control, LIO!

[kat727]

Good for you! I know that wasn't easy for you. Stay focused and see what else happens.

kat

[RoRoinMD]

LIO, sounds like you did great interacting with your H. I'm sure it wasn't easy, and he's probably thinking about the fact that you didn't respond the way you usually do.

[LIO]

Well, self control only lasted me a few days. Gah.

I am trying... really I am. As you all experience, this is definitely not easy.
I can see I have grown from this, I have. It's not been *that* long, and I am still working on this. I feel sometimes it's 1 step forward, 3 steps back. I'm not flipping out as quickly. My 180 I struggle with and continue to work on is to not be reactive.


Wrote another reminder to myself about not emailing/texting/calling.
I said: "Everything you are about to say has been said 40 times before. HE KNOWS. Stop. Go do your own thing, LIO"

I know I am reiterating the same old here. I just need to remind myself in writing.
I guess after slipping up by emailing/texting like a desperate fool, I know it's not the end of the world.
I know he doesn't really want a divorce. I just don't know how we get from point A to point B. Back to reading on detaching and letting things flow and letting go.

Reminder to myself: I can't control everything.

Things in my control:
I have enlisted my coworkers to form a little exercise group a couple times a week.
I built my workout schedule.
I bought some yarn as a new craft project.
I am arranging my schedule so S and I can go to a church. H mentioned he might go when he's not working - but I'm not counting on it.
I'm starting to make plans on when this house sells what I will do.

I have stopped isolating from friends/family - especially when I need people around me the most. Maybe others find this easy, but I have never had 'close close' friends ever in my life. I moved too much and never developed attachments to them. Maybe I transferred that need for attachment to H... Anyway, I'm working on that now.


Questions:
I want to stop slipping. So if I find myself wanting to react, how do I stop.
How do you develop patience - especially when you don't like 'treading water' and want to swim quickly from point a to point b.