i didn't have the self esteem and self confidence to say that to him directly.
No way could I say that directly. I said it wouldn't be a good idea. He said oh it would be good. And I said but it wouldn't be a good idea. I would laugh at his flirty comments but not reply. It was only that one day.
Looking back he may have been feeling me out to see if I would have no strings sex. Or he could have been trying to boost my ego or smooth things over I have no idea. He was never the initiator we had issues in that dept and at the very end he admitted these issues have always been there. So this was way out the ordinary for him.
yup - we had issues too - the same way - he always waited for me, and i always wanted him to show more. but that came after he asked an di refused several times - baby years and then the accident
oh well
i am a little growly since he came over this morning.
he caught me off kilter.
pissing hell! he came late to pick up son - was really groggy - had seriously overslept and his class was starting in one minute.
then he says - s and i are going camping so we are going to come back later and pick up the camping gear. i said, well that's not possible because i'm going camping and am going to use it. he said well then all we need is s's sleeping bag - are you going to need that? and i said of course not. i got slightly hassled and said, why didn't you just let us know about it so we could have brought the stuff up and had it ready. his reply - well why can't we stop by and get it later
i looked a bit incredulous and said - why do you think? and he got the message that it's not okay for me - i turned and walked down to the basement and he followed me - got the stuff and came back up.
as we walked out to his truck, i said - does it really have to be so stressful and last minute all the time - can't we have it a bit different where we can just let each other know and then it's no big deal.
he went into how stressed he was and his class had started 5 mins ago and he just hadn't thought about it. (poor guy - he did look stressed, but for once i didn't feel as if it was my problem)
i said bye have a great trip, and he turned to s and said did you say bye to zig (never refers to my relationship with s as his mother). instead of my usual hugging and kissing i just said bye s (we had already cuddled and said our byes before h got here), casually and walked back in
there's something going on - he told me that the entire week he hasn't slept and has been awake since 4 am - and he looks pretty trashed. cleaned up and stuff, but definitely struggling with something.
not my problem! but i was really irritated over the assumption that he could stop by later. same passive aggressive trip on his part - oh you're taking off on a trip you won't tell me about, here let me show you that i'm still in charge here, and i'll stop by the house if i feel like, while you're gone!!
sorry just had to vent a bit. probably bunged up the db'ing - but i've given up here, i think!! couldn't care less what the effect was - tired of walking eggshells around him and his issues right now.
mlc or not - this whole thing is getting a bit ridiculous. something has got to change - and i just have to figure out what that might be.
i can't help thinking that in his family the only way real messages get across is when they show each other great disdain. maybe that would be a good 180 here - i never tried that -it was always anger or frustration. maybe a little eye-rolling is in order. god knows i got enough of that from him over the years - maybe he needs a dose of it himself!!
am i irritated enough!!
zig
ps. i'm NOT mind reading here - but i can't help noticing that ever since i set those last boundaries - he hasn't been sleeping!! i'm not reading anything into it - just observing. and also from what i know of h, he always woke up like this at 4 am when he was really stressed about something, and of course that trashes his brain because he's one of those that doesn't function well at all unless he sleeps a full 8 hrs (unlike me who can go on 3)
and i find it a bit odd that he wants to talk to me about it - i've just mildly validated that it must be hard, and it's too bad and i wonder why, but my responses have been sort of casual and a little surprised - as in hmm wonder why that's happening do you know.
of course i know him well enough to know that his mind is cycling big time and he lies there trying to decide between whether he should or he shouldn't about whatever the issue is (it's a very strong pattern of his all his life)
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
doing a pretty big thing for me this weekend - going to a machine knitting seminar on my own. its a 4 and half hour drive away - haven't done that since the accidents and i'm going to camp for the first time in my life entirely on my own
i'm rather nervous - more than nervous. especially now this morning because i haven't packed, haven't prepared or planned anything and that is so completely out of my comfort zone that i'm like, what am i doing here?
mil came over yesterday and lent me her iPad to take on the trip so i can find my way around. it was really nice of her as it will make my life a lot easier. the night before she was so worried on the phone - how can u do this, how will u manage what if something happens, and i thought to myself - i am so sick of everyone treating me like i'm utterly helpless and incapable. so i asked her that would she hesitate to go on a 5 hr drive and she said no way, and i said well why are you so worried about me - and she couldn't really reply
my biggest block to being relaxed about this is putting up the tent - which sounds really stupid, but when we went on the school trip a few weeks ago and camped the first night, i just couldn't get the pole ends into their slots - didn't have the strength and h had to come over and do it.
things like that make me a wreck because even though i want the simple independence, my body doesn't always allow it.
well i figure - if i can't get the tent up i'll just sleep in the car!!
i think my nervousness about what i'm about to do, was at the back of me getting hassled about h this morning, to be honest. i'm tired of not being able to handle the curve balls that come in on a daily basis - need to really work on that
off to throw some stuff in the car and take off - i think i'll have internet access because of the iPad but maybe not
hope everyone has a great weekend
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
he called me an hour and a half later - said he was really sorry about what happened this morning. and then wanted to help me out with all this stuff.
absolutely insisted that i go over to his house and get the good bed roll and how much i would regret it if i didn't. he wanted to know if i had everything i needed
i said i didn't need the bedroll that i would be fine with the old shitty one and the yoga mat, but he wouldn't let up. i said thanks - not really sure if i want to do that
after he said i should listen to him, i laughed and flirted a tiny bit and asked so are you trying to tell me i should listen to you more?" he pulled back slightly - man, he's oversensitive!!
asked him a few questions about where he'd put some stuff i couldn't find and mostly got i don't remember and then the apologies
i totally didn't expect the call. either he was feeling bad about what happened this morning or he'd found out from s what i was really doing (and since i wasn't doing what he imagined as the worst) and so decided to be nice.
i'm beginning to see the pattern - when i'm a bit off hand, firm but polite and NOT being so nice and friendly, that is when he comes towards me. but if i'm being cool and distant he withdraws
oh and i did apologize for getting a bit hassled - said that i was occupied with my own stuff and had a lot to do, and woken up this morning realizing that i didn't have anything ready - but in a nonchalant voice which was like - i can totally deal with this, don't need your help!
oh i can't wait to get on the road and get away from this drama fro a couple of days
and btw - been invited to mil's sunday morning for fathers day lunch. already took care of helping s get his gifts ready for h and fil, but can't decide if i want to go - i don't really.
we did go - all of us there on mothers day - wasn't too pleasant.what's better? blow it off, or go there and show h my appreciation for him being s's father and the gift he gave me
ha that's a dilemma - right now don't feel like acknowledging that too much myself!!
wow, i'm in a mood her! does fed up come before total detachment?
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
#1 You're overanalyzing everything, there are very few absolutes in life.
#2 Having sex with your H is probably not going to bring him back nor turn him completely away. But it might be fun.
Listen to Bugsy. She always tells it like it T-I-IS! LOL
I'm am totally an overanalyzer. But I also decided #2 was something I wanted to do, because things were so bad before. I'll put it this way...I've had more action since the bomb drop than I have in the past two years before that.
Do what is right for you. But be happy and content with that choice.
so he agreed to it even though you said he felt as if he was betraying ow?
i'm laughing - because your last post gave NO indication that that was happening
yes bugsy is always on the mark.
i can't say i'm not thinking about it - can't say it hasn't crossed my mind that it would be a very good way of letting him know that don't care about ow and she's irrelevant in this.
frankly i'm not thinking about it in terms of "getting him back" at all - it's just practical, because i'm not willing to have an affair while we are still married, no matter how much he says that he wants an emotional divorce etc
as bugs put it, it might be fun
but i'm also thinking about what KD said and brit. am i detached enough to do this - i'll see how i feel over this trip and when i get back
frankly i'm thinking it could break the ice big time - there's so much pent up energy between us
then i think - allow allow allow - let this just happen without me pushing it. it occurred to me that i could just hint at my frustration and wait and see what the does with it.
at the end of that phone call he said twice - call if you need anything else. ha ha - maybe i'll call him someday and say this is what i need!!
i'm lightening up here - i'm tired of things being so heavy!!
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
thanks brit - i take it you were referring to the fathers day thing
and do what works - actually i'm going to do what i like!! how's that
this tiptoeing around is NOT working, that's all i know!!
mil said to me this morning - maybe he's waiting for you to make a move and talk first. and i said well it seems as if he should first - and she said he's probably thinking the same thing about you
cat and house...
thanks brit
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I asked the W for sex about 3 months into this, it blew up big time. When we had our last counseling together a month ago, the councler asked if she had been trying for the last 6 months. She said yes, till he asked me for sex, then I was turned off. I know how you feel, I would love to have sex too. It's been since Dec. 26. Going from 2 times a week to 0, it kills. By yourself gets old. LOL
ME 31 / W 29 M 7 / T 13 S 3 / S 5 NOT HAPPY 11/11 BOMB 12/27/11 MOVED OUT 2/12 THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12 W Files D 6/24/12
