dscl, if you don't know how fortunate you are to have 25 come into your sitch and try to help you, let me tell you.
she is a DB guru. she has given you the best way to make your marriage whole again. if you do what she has laid out for you, you will have your best chance.
you can keep defending your actions, keep making excuses, and continue on the road to divorce.
or, you can count yourself VERY lucky and follow her sage advice. most of us have the books and have read them but still have confusion about how to implement what we've read.
she has given you a roadmap. read it again and again, if you have to, because it is a roadmap that leads to a better you and a better you is what your wife wants.
you are so lucky.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Im willing to work my issues with the A, but it hurts that it continues even after she knows that I know, and W wants me to accept that it MY fault that it is happening.
Ever heard the Aesop fable that ends "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"? Your W has an OM and is in the honeymoon stage still. It is all good, very little bad.
I guarantee she has thought about working on the M with you. How appealing have you made it for her? She will have to give up what is 'fun' for her right now and put in work for something that might not happen. What have you done for you that makes you someone that only a fool would leave?
Did you go to dances at school when you were in junior high? Maybe there was a girl that wanted to dance with you, but you were too scared to get out on the dance floor. You were waiting for the 'right' song. Your W is waiting for that song before she gets back on the dance floor with you. Work on you before the last song is played because right now, you don't look like a desirable dance partner.
If/when you and W start working on the R, it is going to be hard work. Much harder than dealing with an A and OM. Concentrate on you and become the best person you can be. Make it so YOU are the person everyone wants to dance with.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Im willing to work my issues with the A, but it hurts that it continues even after she knows that I know, and W wants me to accept that it MY fault that it is happening.
Ever heard the Aesop fable that ends "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"? Your W has an OM and is in the honeymoon stage still. It is all good, very little bad.
I guarantee she has thought about working on the M with you. How appealing have you made it for her? She will have to give up what is 'fun' for her right now and put in work for something that might not happen. What have you done for you that makes you someone that only a fool would leave?
Did you go to dances at school when you were in junior high? Maybe there was a girl that wanted to dance with you, but you were too scared to get out on the dance floor. You were waiting for the 'right' song. Your W is waiting for that song before she gets back on the dance floor with you. Work on you before the last song is played because right now, you don't look like a desirable dance partner.
If/when you and W start working on the R, it is going to be hard work. Much harder than dealing with an A and OM. Concentrate on you and become the best person you can be. Make it so YOU are the person everyone wants to dance with.
Lost,
I like that analogy, makes it a little clearer in my head. I think the issue I'm having is that it's still so raw. Knowing the A is still ongoing is consuming me, I have to let it go.I HAVE to listen to everyone is saying and what I've read, IT WILL TAKE TIME.
Brit:Also going out and getting Codependent No More as you have suggested.
Thanks everyone for pulling me from the ledge.
New day new opportunities.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
My W started an A in late 2011. Hid it from me until I confronted her two days before my 40th birthday in April 2012. It is now June and she is still with OM.
It hurt like h3ll for the longest time. What was wrong with me? What did I do? How could you do this to me and the Ds? I stopped sleeping. I couldn't eat. I solicited help from her sister and friends. I chased. I pleaded. I begged. I wrote love letters.
None of it worked.
It will take time, but it will happen. I hardly think about the W and OM. My nights with the Ds, I enjoy the time I get to spend with them. My nights without the Ds, I enjoy the time I get to spend for me.
It is worse than you think it is. Accept it. Know that it is going to be a hard fight. Are you willing to fight no matter how hard it is or are you only willing to fight if it is going to be easy?
Vent here on this forum. I used to have to post a ton every day just to get things off my chest. It works. Whether people respond doesn't matter. Work on you, for you and noone else.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Just work on accepting their is nothing you can do directly to change the situation and don't even worry about the OM. It is just a phase.
I concentrated so much on the OM and what was he doing that I wasn't able to do that I drove myself crazy and it affected my life.
Here I was: successful father to 3 beautiful girls devoted husband and provider high moral standards
Here is who he is: unemployed until my W found him a job lives at home with his mama at 31 criminal with past and pending charges
It wasn't until I started to better ME that I began to heal. I stopped doing what I thought the W found to be attractive or desirable and started to do what I wanted to do.
This isn't YOU vs OM. Understand that. It is OLD YOU vs NEW YOU.
I am not expert on this. I don't know if my W will ever want to try to work on us again. The only thing I know is that I won't give up. It starts with me. The man leads in a dance. I am working on me so I can take that first step.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Hi I have been lurking on this board for years. More from a preventitive than a reactive situation. But here is my two cents from a guy in long term marriage (26 yrs) with 4 kids. My wife and I have our tough times and she has talked about leaving. We work through it everyday so it is possible my friend. But I also know that when/if I decide it isn't worth it I will handle it and be happy. Here is the mind set you need to adopt.
1. Your are the prize 2. You are a good man that any good woman would want 3. You can't change the past 4. If your W is unhappy that is her problem to deal with 5. If you have issues, fix them but not for her 6. There is always someone else who will apprcieate you 7. There is always someone else in worse shape than you 8. If you want to be happy fix YOU first. You can't fix her. 9. Decide if you want to be married to the alien that has become your wife..If so, why in the world would you want that??? 10. The sooner you get your head on straight and realize you can handle life without your current wife. The sooner you will get the wife you want and deserve. That may or may not be your current wife. 11. The pain will not go away or lessen until you face these things and take action. 12. It is all up to you. You decide how long you suffer. This is not negotiable.
M: 50, W: 48 M: 26 yrs S:25, D:24, S:20, D:19 Hard at work on my marriage everyday! There is hope, there is life, it is the only life we have....
