I think that your awareness of your underlying feelings is a sign of your growth. I think it takes great strength to admit to ourselves (and others) our mistakes instead of finding some way to justify and avoid. I do not have children, but definitely recognize the feelings you described.. ((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
questions for 25 , if you come over - and anyone else who cares to give their viewpoint
i read the following on crimson's thread - addressed to peringo and am copying and pasting a part of it that i really have had a lot of trouble working with
My DB coach told me something profoundly important I'll never forget.
She said
"it's NOT our job to 'teach our spouse a lesson' or 'show them the consequences of their actions',
which is what we like to call what we do when in actuality we are punishing them..."
so my question is - pertaining specifically to my sitch:
am i "teaching my WAS a lesson" or "showing him the consequences of his actions" when i say i won;t take care of s when it's his turn, and he has to work, or when s is sick, or when he's with ow and specifically asks me to keep s even if it's his turn?
by saying yes - i'm putting s's needs over my own. which is what i should be doing. by saying no - it seems that i am letting him know - you're doing what you're doing and i won't make it easy for you - in other words, consequences for his actions
where does the above statement fit in together with making boundaries to protect oneself?
i am very confused on how to approach this.
the other thing that i have noticed - when i pull back - h pulls back too. when i am more "generous and friendly" he is the same. is this some type of mirroring going on here on his part - that he's somehow following what i'm doing.
his behavior seems to be a separate thing from his actions (continuing to be with ow), but now in the last week or so when i pulled back (after a period of being more friendly and less distant) , i can see in the last few days where he has pulled back too - as if he's following my cue.
can i say it's working - that if i'm more generous with allowing him to come and go, and he responds with being more friendly and relaxed around me calling more easily etc? or is it just him taking the message that i'm okay with what he's doing.
and THEN, in terms of dropping the rope - how does that fit in with just letting things go as whatever - if he needs me to take care of s for what ever reason, no problem - would that be dropping the rope completely?
could really use your advice on this, please. i'm not even sure i'm asking the questions in the right way
thanks zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
sorry labug - i totally missed your first reply. thanks for the hug.
the one with personality similar to H)
thats the trigger isn't it. i am seeing SO much of h in s recently - it's as if he's changing before my eyes in the last few months - i think he's trying to be like h.for all i know, in his little young mind he associates h's leaving with me, and if h left then if he's like me then he needs to change and be like h.
i'm not saying that from an insecure place - i am SO starting to find myself again, and literally by the hour beginning to be more and more the real zig.
seems as if each time i go through this "trauma" of discovering something about myself, something releases and one more little part of the real me emerges to replace it.
these last few days, i have intensively been shedding h's presence in my sense of self and it is being replaced immediately by what i originally used to feel and stand for. it's amazing how i FEEL myself more and more
I give myself credit for being able to realize what I've done and taking positive steps to change that behavior.
And then I release it.
yes, that is the way to do it - and what i have noticed is that just the mere awareness of it, seems to allow the release.
today i had the thought that when we are not aware of our true feelings, they emerge from us as seriously dysfunctional behavior, and the underlying "stuff" is so hidden that we are not even aware of it.
the insights that i made about myself after what happened last night - were huge and i saw in a flash what i had become instead of acknowledging those feelings.there was this great real ease, and i have spent the whole day with s, both of us completely in sync and i could feel from him that he could sense my peace and love, and he really responded to it
thanks for your kind words and gentle reassurance today.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
thanks ces - my day went well, and so did s's. he decided to stay home and we had a peaceful day together connecting quietly.
after i got through dealing with what happened in my mind - and it was sort of sudden, i was in a good place and we talked briefly, and i explained and apologized. but more importantly i showed through my actions throughout the day, that i hadn't meant that.
even though it was a very painful thing we went through, it gave me the gift of huge growth and insight and a lot of peace. it was the peace that was between us all day. s's responses and interactions with me confirmed that.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i knew i was beating myself up too hard over it - but it was only until i gained the real insight into those feelings this morning and allowed myself to acknowledge for the first time to myself something that i refused to deal with from the moment s was born.
i couldn't face those feelings, because "good" people don't have those. i worked my a$$ off really really hard for 10 yrs trying not to face them - and today i did - and just in the facing of them , so much fell away, so much could be seen and felt, so much could be understood, and so much could be forgiven.
i feel new today - in some little way:)
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
for all the sagitarians this week - i thought it was GREAT!!
One thing you should have gotten out of the dizzying whirl of recent events is the fact that you’ve got to take care of yourself now. You have to nurture your own needs, and that doesn’t mean shut yourself off and be alone. On the contrary. To accomplish that successfully you have to surround yourself with people you can honestly connect with. The message of the nodes is just that simple: Enjoy closeness without fear but always remember to honor your own separateness. Period.
not just for this week - allays - honor our own separateness!
((((( ))))) to everyone
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
She is behaving the opposite of how she was before H left, and is consistently rude, taunting, oppositional.
I find myself constantly wanting to tell her that she is behaving just like her father i.e. she has taken to lying bald-facedly to me, avoiding responsibility for anything, failing to do school projects, and so on.
She knows just how to press my buttons and I have ended up yelling and saying some horrible things to her in the heat of the moment.
I have displaced my anger towards H onto her, I know. And I am so frustrated to see her starting to behave in these ways.
Like you, I try to apologise and explain my lack of control. She simply sneers at me and says "I'm not listening to another lecture".
So, I still haven't worked out how to control myself or to communicate in ways that work.
But to hear from you, in such an open and honest way, about the problem is something that has helped me enormously.
I thought i was just so damaged to be behaving like this toward her. No excuses, I know, but being able to talk about has help me already.
But to hear from you, in such an open and honest way, about the problem is something that has helped me enormously.
when i wrote about it this morning - i was raw -and so ashamed - it felt as if i was baring my soul - and i was so afraid of being judged.
when i admitted to my mother last night that i was so angry about s seeming so happy about h's new house - she was shocked that i could even begin to think he was happy. she pointed out to me that he was just a child and in a lot of pain.
could i suggest to you that instead of approaching it with your d from the place where you are only seeing her behavior (as i was seeing my s's) you start with a beginners mind and see her as a child - your child, who loves both of you very much and is in a lot of pain and needs your loving presence?
that;s what i went back to after my mom pointed it out to me. and i just decided that there was no point in projecting MY feelings about h and his actions onto s - that it was my job to separate them and also my job to love him unconditionally.
we have to DB with everyone, not just our WAS's. because i'm finding now, that no one in my world is reacting to this sitch the same way i am, and i was starting to find reasons to resent and be angry with them all.
yesterday i saw the risk of losing the connection with my own son, because of what i was feeling and saying. that woke me up real fast, and made me separate things as much as i can.
you'll be okay - as ces said to me - no one prepared us for this. it's okay to make mistakes, and as labug said - the actions that come after - they are what counts after you realize what you are doing.
thank you for making me feel good about writing about this here- and you will figure out the way when you start from a place of love for your D. i can hear the kindness, love and caring in your words - so you are already halfway there:) trust that you will find the right way to connect with her. ((( ))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Is the universe inherently friendly to humans? The answer's got to be either "yes, definitely" or "no, not really." It can't be in between. Whatever you may be inclined to believe, you've got to agree that there's no way to know which is true with absolute certainty.
So then isn't it stupid and self-destructive to live your life as if the universe is unfriendly? Doing so tends to cast a pall over everything. But if on the other hand you proceed on the hypothesis that the universe is friendly, you're inclined to interpret everything that occurs as a gift, however challenging it may be to figure out its purpose at first.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Oh Zig can't wait for you to read today's Cainer. he says something like you've been worried about decisions you've seen as mistakes you're about to see how right you were!
