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#2254262 - 06/14/12 07:58 PM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: zig]
a vow to take Offline
New Member

Registered: 06/13/12
Posts: 2
i am in meltdown mode today. Been feeling strong for awhile. I know my h is confused but I am so tired. Almost a year now. H53 M50 06/11 ilybnilwy 12/11 moves out 3/12 moves back in 5/12 just moved back for kids wants a divorce. Week later ML with affection and passion of many years ago... speaking to his LL acts of service, he is totally avoiding mine, touch and words of affirmation..... I know, who am I to HAVE EXPECTATIONS?! MIL coming over, she has no idea, thinks everything is rosy....has cancer, nobody wants her to stress. I feel like I could start puking blood any time now...where did Pollyana go today?????!!!!!!

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#2254286 - 06/14/12 08:36 PM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: vera be fierce]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
Yuck. I don't know if it's the tired talking but I feel really uninterested in H right now. Brit I know what you mean about the feeling meaning that it would be a new R. But I don't even feel particularly attracted to him right now.

In better news, I just came up with an awesome craft idea that I'm going to give for an upcoming baby shower. I like making things and giving them to people. Going to focus on that for now.

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#2254306 - 06/14/12 09:32 PM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: vera be fierce]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Quote:
But I don't even feel particularly attracted to him right now.


I know exactly what you mean there. That's why I was saying am I sad about him or about the M?

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#2254311 - 06/14/12 09:50 PM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: Brit45]
bustingout Offline
Member

Registered: 05/15/12
Posts: 2571
Maybe just sad as part of grieving the loss of both? A partner and best friend, plus married/ family life and dreams?

I know that's what making me sad.
_________________________
TPS
Me: 43 H: 41
M13 T16
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE' (email)
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors began in 2010)
July '14 H says he ended his affair

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#2254313 - 06/14/12 09:57 PM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: bustingout]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
all of that stuff gets intertwined into ONE person and you then you see them and you're like hang on you're not all that I wish and want....

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#2254379 - 06/15/12 03:37 AM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: Brit45]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
I see what you mean there.

Had a nice evening after work. Didn't go home, got a quick dinner out by myself (180) and then went to a recurring GAL educational thing I've been frequenting (by myself - not a 180, I've done it before, but I've never not gone home first, so that's a 180). Had a lovely time, learned some things. Chatted with a guy while waiting in line for part of it about the event, phone apps, and his kid. He introduced himself after we'd been talking for a bit . . . same name as H. Haha! But it was nice to just talk to a complete stranger about something and realize that I can do it, I can be interesting, I can engage in lengthy convos with complete strangers and it's cool to meet new people.

I ended up getting home a lot later than I ever have (at least without having given H some warning). On my way home I got a text from H - "Are you coming home tonight?" My phone was in my purse because I was enjoying my evening so I didn't see it until well after I got in.

He was still in the kitchen when I came in, was on the phone with someone, told them to hold on while he asked me a few questions, and then got off the phone with an "If that works for you . . . I'll talk to you later." Who it was - didn't ask, don't care.

He asked if I went to X event with someone I did my secret daytrip with 2 weekends ago. I just said no, I wasn't, I didn't know that was going on. He tried to make further chat (complaining about multiple family members calling him repeatedly to go to a father's day dinner on sunday; stuff about the concert last night) and I answered his questions briefly but wasn't open about anything else.

He asked if I'd seen the stuff about the realtors he put together, I didn't, because he didn't send me anything. He asked what I thought and I told him to call a few and see what they had to say. He said he wasn't sure how "involved" I wanted to be and I said I would get involved "eventually." (AKA I'd love for this to drag out so I can win the lottery and pay off the mortgage and kick his butt out! wink )

I put my lunch together for tomorrow and went up to the bathroom to get ready for bed. He came up a few minutes later, mentioned something else through the door, then when I didn't engage in further conversation he said goodnight and went into the guest room.

I'm feeling a little feisty right now. Probably delirious from the lack of sleep - I should get to bed. grin

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#2254399 - 06/15/12 06:04 AM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: vera be fierce]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Fantastic! You should like you're in a really good place! All the GAL, meeting new people even if you'll never talk to them again! Getting out etc.

It's a great feeling when you catch yourself completely outside the sitch. I'm off for my own GAL day!

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#2254437 - 06/15/12 12:32 PM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: Brit45]
labug Online
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8913
Loc: Sonoran Desert
About the house, do you really want it? I know it's hard to make those kinds of decisions right now but let me just throw a few things out there.

Your house will always have memories of this M that is now dead. If you R it will still have those memories and that may not be good.

If you D, it will have those memories. Not good.

When my sitch began, I was adamant about not selling the house and I'm glad I wasn't forced to but now...

A fresh start with less *baggage* (and maintenance)sounds lovely.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2254442 - 06/15/12 12:58 PM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: labug]
bustingout Offline
Member

Registered: 05/15/12
Posts: 2571
Well done verab. You continue to inspire me.

I understand what bug is talking about. I keep thinking that this 'dream house' I am in now with the kids will be too much too handle whatever the outcome of the sitch. Something that doesn't need an immediate answer but something to ALSO think about!
_________________________
TPS
Me: 43 H: 41
M13 T16
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE' (email)
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors began in 2010)
July '14 H says he ended his affair

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#2254459 - 06/15/12 01:36 PM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: bustingout]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
Bug - you're right. It's hard to find certainty in deciding about the house right now. Right now I just don't want to feel rushed. I know H would love to have it instantly sold and get out and move on. I have already told him I am not prepared to take a loss on the house. But I am not going to do any legwork with realtors right now. He wants to get out - he can do that himself.

I have really been biting my tongue about making suggestions about what to ask the realtors in terms of options, timing, what needs to be done on the house, comps, etc. I am not going to let the fixer/planner in me take the reigns on this because I am not certain about what I want. The house is jointly owned so he can't do anything about it without me.

Am I prepared to deal with the house by myself apart from the memories? I'm not sure yet. The house is in a really perfect location for me right now for a variety of reasons, and I am still dealing with anger about needing to sell and move. I suppose that underlying that is a fear that I'll end up somewhere inconvenient, unsafe, not as nice. Are those outcomes realistic? Yes, probably not, and probably.

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