Dear Lord, Thank you for my wife and my marriage. I want the marriage YOU want me to have, and I am willing to do whatever YOU want me to do. I surrender my heart to YOU and ask that YOU turn it in the right direction. I confess that I have been willful, prideful, and stubborn. I have too quickly pointed out my wife's faults while ignoring my own shortcomings. Lord, work through me to love and treasure my wife for YOU. Give me the desire to change and the strength to be the kind of husband YOU want me to be. Then I'll know I'll be the husband my wife needs. Lord, give me your perspective of marriage, a perspective that sees my marriage as holy ground, a place where YOU can change my character to be more like YOURS. Amen.
Me: 37 W:33 S: 2 M: 9/5/09 Suspected: 1/7/12 Confirmed: 2/10/12 Served: 3/29/12 W moved out 3/30/12 First court 5/17/12 HELP!
I'm struggling with this as well, but I think we BOTH need to quit worrying about what her "motives" are and appreciate them as acts of kindness... no matter how this turns out, we will both be connected to our W because of our children... appreciate the good things and take them at face value... if we continue to analyze every little thing, we will go insane... it's hard... as I said, I've been struggling with this as well... I read your prayer posted earlier.. keep it close to your heart and trust that God has a plan... He will not lead you wrong... Keep the Faith...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
I was once a WAW, so I'm going to open up to you. Not every sitch is the same though...
I had enough of all of the bad things in our M, and once the lease was up (and i got my own car) I flew. Got my own place, everything. My H did what you are doing and more, and I lost all respect for him. Why? I was treating him like crap and he kept begging me for more. that's the truth.
He would come by whenever I wanted and make love to me or whatever. Then I could ignore him, kick him to the side, knowing he would come running back for more the second I gave him an opportunity. Gosh, I sound terrible. I'm only human guys, don't hate me.
What opened my eyes? When he had enough and turned his back on me. Plain and simple. When he stood up to me and basicly said "I am worth more than this and will not tolerate your behavior". (not with words, just actions)
And then? I was left all by myself, all alone, just like I "wanted". But I was still unhapy, loking for someone to hurt while he was happy and moving on.
And THAT my friends, is why going dark and GAL is SO important. It forces the S to get a glimpse of their future should they continue with their actions.
But don't be so quick to accept them back, do it slowly. Accepting them back as-is right off the batt also come across as disrespectful towards yourself.
"you mean I can treat you like crap for so long, show a few tears and yuo'll take me back? I don't have to work on anything? SWEET! Now I don't have to change anything!".....guys, you don't want your S to have that converstaion in their heads. Here's a better one...
"I'm really sad and alone, I didn't think it would be like this. Why does it hurt so much? And why doesnt S answer the phone anymore? Was I really THAT bad? I wonder if I can get them back? What do I have to work on to win them back?"
just some food for thought guys <3
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
I would do anything, pay any price, move anywhere, to have my back.
If I have any more children it will be with her, my faith as a christian binds me to that no matter what a court of man says. My marriage was not only to my wife, but with God as well.
I have the right to divorce her if I choose not to forgive, but I choose forgivness. Water under the bridge... what I am having trouble forgiving is her desire to destroy the family.
Me: 37 W:33 S: 2 M: 9/5/09 Suspected: 1/7/12 Confirmed: 2/10/12 Served: 3/29/12 W moved out 3/30/12 First court 5/17/12 HELP!
I would do anything, pay any price, move anywhere, to have my back.
i assume that was a typo and you meant have my wife back
if so, then start by using that energy to pay the price - as you put it. the price in this case is to stop seeing what she is doing and start seeing what you are doing.
the price is to go through the painful journey of your own growth, the price is to give her her space, to forgive her completely, and to use this time to work on yourself.
and the biggest price is to find out along the long long way, that what you see now is not always what you will feel as you go through your own journey, and what you think is true may not seem the same later - but that price - is the prize - that you allow yourself to have.
as long as we focus on what our WAS's are doing, we pay the harsh price of losing/delaying the opportunity to go through our own necessary growth.
so make sure that the price you pay is the correct one - don't lose this opportunity to pay the real price - that of your own growth. i did that after my first divorce and then HAD to pay it this time around.
this is here to teach you something - find out what it is before you try to teach your wife something. the secret here is that she'll find out on her own - she doesn't need your help.
i hope i don't sound too harsh, and i know that you might not really be able to hear the words that i'm saying - but if that's the case - at least start with a beginner's mind: that you don't really know how to go about it, and that if you really listen to what is being said here, that eventually you will get it.
'act as if' is the starting point - even if you don't feel it - it's crucial to act as if, because then you'll eventually start to feel it, and then it will start to become clearer to you what you must do for yourself. it won't come to you tomorrow or next week or anytime soon that you can imagine - it will take much longer than you think, and then it will suddenly be a real thing that you feel.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I have learned so much... one lesson left, learning how to not love her or acting as if I don't love her... the dilemma I have with that is that if I am able to achieve that... I'm not sure if preventing divorce would make sense.... confused...
Me: 37 W:33 S: 2 M: 9/5/09 Suspected: 1/7/12 Confirmed: 2/10/12 Served: 3/29/12 W moved out 3/30/12 First court 5/17/12 HELP!
I was once a WAW, so I'm going to open up to you. Not every sitch is the same though...
I had enough of all of the bad things in our M, and once the lease was up (and i got my own car) I flew. Got my own place, everything. My H did what you are doing and more, and I lost all respect for him. Why? I was treating him like crap and he kept begging me for more. that's the truth.
He would come by whenever I wanted and make love to me or whatever. Then I could ignore him, kick him to the side, knowing he would come running back for more the second I gave him an opportunity. Gosh, I sound terrible. I'm only human guys, don't hate me.
What opened my eyes? When he had enough and turned his back on me. Plain and simple. When he stood up to me and basicly said "I am worth more than this and will not tolerate your behavior". (not with words, just actions)
And then? I was left all by myself, all alone, just like I "wanted". But I was still unhapy, loking for someone to hurt while he was happy and moving on.
And THAT my friends, is why going dark and GAL is SO important. It forces the S to get a glimpse of their future should they continue with their actions.
But don't be so quick to accept them back, do it slowly. Accepting them back as-is right off the batt also come across as disrespectful towards yourself.
"you mean I can treat you like crap for so long, show a few tears and yuo'll take me back? I don't have to work on anything? SWEET! Now I don't have to change anything!".....guys, you don't want your S to have that converstaion in their heads. Here's a better one...
"I'm really sad and alone, I didn't think it would be like this. Why does it hurt so much? And why doesnt S answer the phone anymore? Was I really THAT bad? I wonder if I can get them back? What do I have to work on to win them back?"
just some food for thought guys <3 _________________________
AMEN SISTER!!!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
