I’ve read DB and followed a lot of the posting on this board. I felt it was time to share my sitch for support and any suggestions. My wife and I have been married 11 years, it’s the first marriage for both of us and we have two beautiful children. Just over a month ago she asked for a separation and we immediately stopped living together.
As a man who defines himself as a husband and father, my worlds been turned upside down. I am now in our home by myself, I was fine with her taking most of the furniture, so it’s pretty empty. This is the house we raised our family in!!!! It used to be full of noise from my family that I love so much and now you can hear a pin drop.
I know I need to focus on myself, GAL, don’t act clingy, don’t pursue her, avoid the “I love you talk”, validate her feelings, have a happy and confident attitude, etc…(all of which I am working on)
We speak and email daily and we see each other 3-4 times a week. It’s usually about the kids, no R talk and most dialog is somewhat brief and communications are usually initiated by her. Every now and then she will cry and she recently told me how hard things are(Meaning the separation)
We will be working on a kids visitation schedule this week but I still think she will be calling and emailing me daily. Yes, I like hearing from her but if she wants a separation, why is she trying to communicate with me so much? Maybe it’s what she’s accustom to for so many years, who knows.
We are polite to one another. She still wears her wedding ring and she keeps some pictures of her and I on the walls at her new apartment. We both love each other but I just don’t know if I am doing the right things through this process that’s new to me? I keep my responses to her limited however I wonder if we are communicating to much? Restoring our marriage means so much to me and I want to make sure I am doing EVERYTHING possible to help increase my odds of a successful reconciliation. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Me(M):37 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 1 D: 1 W wanted separation 5/5 Stopped living together 5/5
Hi RoughEnough it sounds to be like she may be using you for emotional support during this rough phase when she ultimately wants to move on or thinks she does. I was the WAS in my separation and for months my H gave me love, support, encouragement, and did loads for me, we functioned in this weird close R while I dated other people. Then he moved on and I was faced with the reality of what I'd asked for. It seems like what you don't want to do because you love her, her friendship, and the closeness but the sooner you detach and make her miss you the better
Brit45, thank you very much for your input. Your comments make sense and it opens the door to more questions. How could you tell he moved on? What did he do differently to show you he moved on? How did he start treating you differently? When you say he moved on, do you mean that he started dating?
I feel I have partially detached but the part that make it tough for me to completely detach is she told me this is a separation, not a divorce. She’s commented about not knowing what the future holds. She seems to want to leave the “door a little open”. I know I am not supposed to believe a lot of what the W says right now. I think she might be confused.
I am really torn about dating again. Part of me thinks it will make it easier for me to move on and detach. It would never be to hurt her, I am not a vindictive person. On the flip side, I don’t know if dating would help/hurt the reconciliation process. I think a lot of people have different views on this one?
Last night was a bit rough. It was my night to have the kids which I always enjoy. On the other hand my W went to a dive bar with one her best friends. W best friend is single and she sleeps around a lot. Not a very good influence on my W. I know I need to get the thoughts of my wife being with OM out of my head. While there’s a good chance my W has been with someone else, I don’t know if it matters. It's negative thinking and what she does is out of my control. Still a hard thing to come to terms with though. I guess it’s also a bit hypocritical of me since I will be going out and having some fun with some of my friends tonight.
Me(M):37 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 1 D: 1 W wanted separation 5/5 Stopped living together 5/5
Went to drop the kids off today and my w pointed out that she’s not wearing her wedding ring anymore. I didn’t really react to it. I pretty much told her that it’s her choice. She then started questioning one of my upcoming weekends when I don’t have the kids. I had recently told her that there’s an upcoming weekend that I am busy. I don’t understand? It will be my weekend without the kids. She starts asking me what I was going to be doing. I simply said our free time is very important, in which she agreed. I also let her know that I like to keep myself busy. She then starts asking if I am seeing anyone (which I am not) She goes on to say she doesn’t want any possible women that I am seeing around the kids. (I agree with her about this, but there’s no woman in my life!) I don’t get it, SHE ASKED FOR THIS SEPERATION!!!! And now she’s getting bent out of shape about a nonexistent other women in my life???? I am just trying to keep my private life just that, private. I am not being rude, mean or angry towards her. This is just all so wacky!! I can’t make sense of any of this and I probably shouldn’t try. Any input?
Me(M):37 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 1 D: 1 W wanted separation 5/5 Stopped living together 5/5
Ok, I need help please. You might want to call this a 180? I believe in my previous post I mentioned that I told my W a couple dates that I am going to by busy. I don’t think she liked that, it gave her the impression that I was seeing someone else. I guess it could be perceived as putting up a wall but I consider it space and detaching. Now she’s reacted with a wall in return, I think it hurt her. I am confident that my W has been feeling guilty about initiating the separation and maybe that’s why she’s been so nice to me. I don’t think I want her to feel guilty about the separation, do I? And now she seems hurt by my remarks I think that might have lessened her guilt, which could be a good thing?
Me(M):37 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 1 D: 1 W wanted separation 5/5 Stopped living together 5/5
yes my H went on a date and he is still seeing her. His first date after we split is now someone he's in a R with.
But it wasn't that because I didn't put much weight in that. He started taking care of himself, was lighter/happier, he wasn't including me in his plans, stopped texting me randomly, he was more all business. It's very very hard to explain but there was a definite switch in him from wanting my approval to being his own person.
which why MWD says Act as If and detach and set boundaries, focus on you, do a 180 and then you'll become your own person and you'll be happy from within and they'll notice that.
When she said that about other women you said have said I agree and I would hope you would do the same thing.
Funny how she just went to a bar with her single gf and now doesn't want to wear her rings. I think she wants the freedom of being single with no wedding ring. Also, she can go out and have fun -- but she is questioning you. I read somewhere that when one spouse starts accusing the other spouse of having a affair -- the accusing spouse is mostly the guilty party. You attitide above is right on -- you can't control what she is doing -- the only thing you can control is what you are doing. Good luck -- I have a feeling with her having an enabling gf who goes to bars for hook ups -- your wife may fall deeper into this fog.
Ok, so the dynamics have changed a lot within the last week. I started to detach. I stopped being the pleaser. It’s such a fine line between being a doormat and standing your ground. I started showing my wife that I've GAL. In return she’s now being cold, standoffish but still cordial. In a way, she is mirroring me, which I don’t know if it’s good or not. This whole thing is sooooo frustrating. I just never know if I am doing the right things!!!!!!!!!!!! On the flip side, I am starting to get support from this site and I’ve read a lot about how to make improvements. If I hadn’t read a lot of material, including DB, I would be an absolute wreck by now. I hope things work out with the W and if they don’t work, I know it’s not because I didn’t try!!!!
Me(M):37 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 1 D: 1 W wanted separation 5/5 Stopped living together 5/
