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#2252124 06/07/12 06:41 PM
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Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2248391#Post2248391

Reviewed Last Resort Technique today and want to see if I am on the right path.

Step 1 - Stop the Chase

First, you need to stop doing anything that your spouse might look at as pursuing behavior. Here are some examples of behavior that I would consider "pursuing."

Frequent phone calls
Begging your spouse to reconsider
Pointing out all the good in your marriage
Writing letters
Following your mate around the house
Encouraging talk about the future
Soliciting help from family members
Asking for reassurances
Buying gifts/flowers
Trying to schedule dates together
Spying on your spouse


I stopped the pursuing and begging a couple of weeks before LRT. In talks since, I have never brought up the R, M or future. I stopped asking for help from her sister.

I have invited her to do things with the Ds (beach, rollerblading, amusement park).

I stopped the spying, but had a slip earlier this week. I am back to not caring.

Step 2 - Get a Life
I think I am doing really good on this. I am happier and healthier. Changes I made will carry on no matter what happens with the W.

Step 3 - Wait and Watch

One of three things happens when you use the last-resort technique.

1) Nothing.


I don't think this is happening. Prior to the LRT, we scarcely communicated for a couple of weeks. She contacts me now. When we do talk, they are good "friend" conversations.

2) Your mate becomes curious.

S/he might start showing more interest in you, your whereabouts, and what you are up to in your life. Your spouse might even suggest you spend some time together to talk or do something enjoyable. It's also possible that your spouse might start asking you a lot of questions about your sudden changes. If any of these things begin to happen, here's my advice:

Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic.


Identified this as a problem. I would get overly excited when we would hang out one on one. Not in front of her, but in my mind. I would think we were on the way to R, but get slammed down harder when nothing changed.

Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all.

Here is my issue. I read on other posts to do things to show her what she is missing. I have been blasted for doing things with the W. She wants to have drinks with me. She wants to goto a movie. She wants to go rollerblading.

At this time, as long as there is a OM, I will not be doing anything. I feel like I am PLAN B and refuse to allow myself to be treated that way.

She wants to do things that are short. She wants to meet for drinks after work on Friday. I will be declining this invitation. What if I said I couldn't make it after work, but could do it after I put the Ds to bed, so around 10:30pm? Most likely she will say no. But if she says yes, then she can't make plans with others that night. I won't be Plan B.

The fear is she will stop asking me to do things.

Do not ask any questions about your future together.

I don't do this. However, I gave her a date in August when I would file for D. Do I let this date come and file or do I try to talk to her as the date approaches? She probably thinks I am bluffing.

Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through.

I try, but she pushes.

Continue to be upbeat.

Semi-good here. I know what brings me down, so I can better identify it and shift my thoughts.

At D3's birthday party, W was extremely irritable. I stayed upbeat and positive. After 6 hours, her attitude changed and she wanted me to spend time with her.

Do not say, "I love you"

Haven't said it in over a month.

Resist getting into conversations about your marriage.

I don't.

Beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.

I would say I do this 90% of the time.

3) Your spouse might have an overnight change of heart.


Would love for this to happen, but it isn't.



I always thought once the OM was gone, things would be good. Wishful thinking.

SIL told me a few things today she heard:

Friend of W is going out of town in July and invited W. W asked if OM could come. Friend said no, she doesn't like him and didn't want to be in a car with him for a few days.

If W knows I am filing in August, makes me think she either doesn't care or doesn't think I will do it. Why else would she plan an out of town trip with OM so close to D being filed.

SIL says OM is coming to an end

Finally. However....

SIL said friend told her that W said she needs to start dating other people.

Great. Nothing I can really do about that. I have a date in August and I am sticking to it unless we are working on our M as I told her.


How do I know if I have successfully detached?


M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
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Originally Posted By: LostIn407
How do I know if I have successfully detached?


You are not consumed by her anymore.
You worry about you and not her.

That is for starters

Detachment is like an onion it comes in layers

As you peel back each layer you will see other ways to accomplish this


Me-70, D37,S36
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"She wants to do things that are short. She wants to meet for drinks after work on Friday. I will be declining this invitation. What if I said I couldn't make it after work, but could do it after I put the Ds to bed, so around 10:30pm? Most likely she will say no. But if she says yes, then she can't make plans with others that night. I won't be Plan B."

The reality is, you are always Plan B when OM is in the picture or if she's looking for someone else to date. You can't have a healthy monogamous R with someone who is looking for it with someone else.

That's why it's really not in your favor to do things with W right now because your mind is in one place and hers is completely somewhere else. Too easy to get your hopes up and just causes you to backslide in the end. Get stronger and more confident in yourself and your life without W and then doing things with her won't be such a big deal. You truly will not have expectations.

Things I've learned...


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Some more background:
We moved from the west to FL at the end of December in 2010. I was supposed to have a job lined up in FL that would be starting "soon". I returned to my job out west because it was really good money. The plan was to save as much as we could to prepare for a life of making less. During this time, my W and Ds lived with her father and grandmother.

My W hated this living arrangement. My job that was supposed to start "soon", started to drag on. I had planned to be living with my family in FL in February 2011. My wife had enough of living with her father and grandmother and rented a house for us. Not ideal as I wanted to save as much money as possible. The job offer finally came in April but was not what was originally offered. It was also far from the house my wife rented. I turned the job down and started to look for a new job.

I took the first job offered and finally moved to FL to be with my family in June 2011. The job I took was horrible. Horrible hours. Horrible pay. We blew through our savings adjusted to lower income.

My wife began working in October 2011. I took a new job in November 2011. This job I hated after one day, but stuck with it because of slightly more pay. It was more hours and more time away. I had to be at work at 6:30am at a job over an hour away so I was leaving the house by 5:00am and not returning until after 6:00pm.

This is when the W met the OM and the A began.


I am trying to detach and go as dim as possible. However, for a majority of 2011, we didn't spend much time together at all. From January 2011 until June 2011, I think we had less than 10 days together. We talked daily, but were not together in the same state.

I think not spending time with her is more of the same from 2011. We disconnected. I think I need to rebuild that connection.

But it all comes back to the OM and Plan B.

I think my W wants the attention that I wasn't giving her. I think over the year, she felt I was gone and replaced me. She already knows what it feels like for me to be gone physically. She has done a year of just talking and she gets that now as we must communicate because of our Ds.

I want to do the right thing. Do I fight for her or hope she didn't get adjusted to me being away for all of 2011? She did the single parent thing for 2011 as when I did make it to FL, I only had one day off a week. I believe this year of doing it all by herself made her want to "escape".

Responses are appreciated. Please don't make me wait two days for a response.


M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
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What is driving the August date? If you are in LRT now, June, and we all know it can take months to work, why the self imposed deadline? Some folks here do LRT for months or years, so I am confused with the rush. Please don't tell me you are trying to call her bluff, because if you are, and she does not bite, you will never be able to use that tactic again. It will not rid your life of the OM, or further your cause. Nowhere in the list of LRT tactics does it say "hurry up and file".


M 53, W 48
T 25, M 18
S 15, D 11
"I'me done!" 6/13/2010
Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY
W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed
Separated 1/16/2012
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The August date was because I couldn't endure the pain. I wish I didn't set the date, but how can I back out of it?

It was a vague definition "If we are not working on our M but then", I guess I can just say we are working on it and that is why I didn't file.


M-40
W-33
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T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
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Oh, there are a multitude of ways to not file and not lose face. I would defer to others on this board on that, but the pain will ease and I urge you not to file so soon. April to August is nothing, 5 short months. I bet you will feel so much better in August if your GAL is working. For me, I got maybe bomb #3 in April 2012, less than 2 months ago and I then went into full DB mode, coaching, going dark, GAL, 180s etc. and I feel great now. I have got to the stage where I feel detached, knowing that it is a process, a journey that has no fixed destaination, and I feel very strong. No fear of the future.

If I were you, I would just not file, and not volunteer any reason. Hopefully some of the more experienced board members can come up with something to say if pushed. I know in VA you cannot file until 12 months of separation if there are minor children involved. Don't know where you are, but maybe there is something to be said for delay for kids sake?


M 53, W 48
T 25, M 18
S 15, D 11
"I'me done!" 6/13/2010
Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY
W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed
Separated 1/16/2012
Joined: Nov 2011
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So your pain will be over if you file?

Rethink that.

Just don't bring it up filing again.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Did anyone read the post about what happened in 2011 and would like to maybe give me advice on that as I think it has a lot to do with where we are?


M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 77
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Yeah, I read it. Tough situation, but I wonder really if that was just a tipping point. How would you describe your R prior to the Florida thing? Only you can answer if you should "fight" for her, as you put it. But your choice of words is interesting. Fighting for her suggests non LRT tactics to me, and what you should be focusing on is you, your part in however this situation arose, and what you are going to do about it. I could go on about how my W and I ended up where we are, but it does not change anything, we are where we are! And the only path forward for me is the DB path if I want to save my M, which I do. Right now I would say that is a long shot, but I have time, and I am not dealing with OM (although I suspect EA with someone quite a distance away).

DR does not differentiate between how you got to where you are, it lays out the tactics that work. When you boil it all down, we're all dealing with spouses who for one reason or another have made the choice to not be in a R with us AT THIS TIME. The "treatment" for that is pretty much the same IMHO.

You want to do the right thing? Be the best father you can for your kids. Look after yourself. Detach and give her space because any pursuit right now is in vain. Do not be her plan B. Forget about filing.

Something else that crossed my mind, unrelated, is that again in VA, if one spouse commits adultery during the separation period, they can pretty much rule out getting custody of any kids. Have you consulted a L about this? If your W is openly flaunting her PA (wanting to bring OM on trip with friend) especially around your kids something should be done. I may have missed that in previous posts.


M 53, W 48
T 25, M 18
S 15, D 11
"I'me done!" 6/13/2010
Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY
W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed
Separated 1/16/2012
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