Well, where to start. There are days that I think just move on and I'm okay with it. Then there are days that I break down. It's been a little over three weeks since I have started to detach, this week I found myself sitting and looking at pictures asking why.
I don't know how to read her at times. For example, when she dropped the boys off Saturday morning she didn't say hardly anything. I was the one to say good bye, I waited till the last second. Then later that day at my sons birthday party, she was talking more to me than she has in a long time and she started the talks. We talked about the kids a little yesterday when I dropped them off,but she was kinda quiet. She did ask me about ccamping with family in july, she asked if I was going to be out only on the days I have the kids, I said I was going all week. That I have been saving all my vaction time for family time. I think she took it as a shock. She said oh. Then didn't saying anything else. I asked if she wanted one of our counceling meeting in a couple of weeks and she said yes. We are going byselfs now. I told her to have a good week when I left and she said you to. I also said her name and not honey.
Our aniversery is the 18th, not sure what to do. Thought about just getting a card that said thinking about you and not regular card. Any thoughts?
ME 31 / W 29 M 7 / T 13 S 3 / S 5 NOT HAPPY 11/11 BOMB 12/27/11 MOVED OUT 2/12 THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12 W Files D 6/24/12
Last night I did text her I found a shirt that we have been looking for my son. She said ok thanks i will get it from you friday. I said okay have a good night. Was that wrong?
ME 31 / W 29 M 7 / T 13 S 3 / S 5 NOT HAPPY 11/11 BOMB 12/27/11 MOVED OUT 2/12 THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12 W Files D 6/24/12
Last night I did text her I found a shirt that we have been looking for my son. She said ok thanks i will get it from you friday. I said okay have a good night. Was that wrong?
stop pursuing her. Back off. GAL...read the Div Remedy or Div Busting book AGAIN and don't backslide.
Be LESS predictable. Upbeat and postive but NOT clingy or needy. NO unecessary contact.
This is not a sprint, it's a marathon. Give your changes and new approach a LOT longer before you monitor for results or expect any. Your timeline or expectaions for change IN HER
are too unrealistic.
Extend your time frame by a WHOLE LOT. She'll need to see consistent change in you, over enough time, to believe the changes are real and that marriage to you can be better/different.
What are you changing about YOU?
Not just how you act around HER, but how you are, as a man?
What's different about you? How are you becoming a man only a fool would leave?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sorry, not trying to pursue, just trying to be kind. I have been consistent in my changes, which she has made a comment on. The big thing that I have changed is that I'm a better dad than I have ever been. I feel much closer to my boys than ever before and I can see that in them.
I'm talking to more friends and rebuilding bridges that I have burned in the past.
Making more time with other family members and being envolved with family events that I would have normally skipped on.
I have accepted god into my life and teaching my boys about god. Helping with activities at church.
I'm more of a relaxed person, don't get angry, mad, or swear anymore. Really didn't do much of that anyway.
Just moving on, not letting it get me down anymore. doing a lot around the house and yard, which is looking better than ever.
Been taking the boys to the beach and other places, doing stuff they like to do, just minus the W.
I'm not letting W stop me from going and doing things even if she is there. Not that she tells me not to, but I go to support my boys or other family members. For example, we do this big camping trip in july with about 100 other people, she said you going to be there on the days you have the kids? I replied I was going to be there all week. That I have been saving my vaction time for family time. That shocked her I think, because she didn't have anything to say after that.
ME 31 / W 29 M 7 / T 13 S 3 / S 5 NOT HAPPY 11/11 BOMB 12/27/11 MOVED OUT 2/12 THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12 W Files D 6/24/12
May I suggest another type of GAL as well as the great things you are already doing?
JOIN Something or take a class. Be around NEW people who do not remind you of and who know nothing about your marital situation. GO
Learn something new that you always wanted to learn or that helps your job market skills or that is purely for FUN. A new hobby? A class in cooking/mechanics, a new language...
I did all of those things and auditioned for local theater and even did stand up comedy. I went sky diving for my birthday and those dramatic actions were for ME
but they do make an impression and a statement about our own enjoyment of life.
We show that hey, we are FUN to be around and we are interesting and interestED in others and learning new things. I got in great shape, talked to a counselor and for awhile was on anti-depressants.
I joined a writer's group, took flying lessons to get my pilot's license, and this is when we lived in the interior of Alaska.
There is more that I did b/c I could not surrender to the "winter of discontent" and be miserable there.
But you get the point. I worked HARD to just feel alright. But then I felt better than alright. I began to like myself more and to know myself better and I CHANGED FOR THE BETTER....
when I truly detached from the outcome of what choice my h made
I comforted myself with the knowledge that "Hey I have become the best woman I can become, and I know this, so I will leave the results up to God."
Either way I knew I'd do more than "survive", I'd thrive.
You will too.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
There is more that I did b/c I could not surrender to the "winter of discontent" and be miserable there.
But you get the point. I worked HARD to just feel alright. But then I felt better than alright. I began to like myself more and to know myself better and I CHANGED FOR THE BETTER....
when I truly detached from the outcome of what choice my h made
I comforted myself with the knowledge that "Hey I have become the best woman I can become, and I know this, so I will leave the results up to God."
Either way I knew I'd do more than "survive", I'd thrive.
thanks 25 - i really really need to hear these words today. even 10 months into my sitch i am still having a hard time living them.
thank-you zig
ps: shocked - don't be like me - take what 25 is giving you very seriously and do this exactly - it will make your life much easier
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I wanted to also say "Go somewhere new" b/c that is very stimulating, does not remind you of w, and it is fun sounding to others. Even though these acts are to make YOU feel better, and they do, they also tend to make the WAS wonder what the heck is so wrong with YOU that they left.
After all, if you are busy GAL and changing...they begin to second guess their choices. They have to.
See, the lie some LBSers tell themselves to justify their pursuit or refusal to detach and become independent healthier people, is that somehow being needy shows love.[b] WRONG... [/b] Frankly, If you are miserable without them, BECAUSE you are without them and not enough for yourself, then you are not bringing much to the table for THEM... It will seem like "proof" to them that they made the right choice to leave b/c it's NOT attractive to be needy and sad. Who misses that type of behavior?
If her complaint about you was that you were neglectful/ inattentive, you can still detach but show changes by making full eye contact with her when she speaks, never interrupting (if shes not being rude) and LISTENING to her without trying to fix/solve her problem that second. Validate her perspective.
If she revises the marital history, and most WAWs do, then you can say one of 2 things.
If the "revision" is so outrageous you literally have no idea what she's talking about or you recall it very differently
you can say "Wow w, I don't recall that event that way at all, but I'm sorry you were so hurt."
IF the revision isn't far from the truth and you have regrets about a choice you made or comment you made, you can say''
"I understand why you feel that way and if I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
Neither response escalates, both replies show willingness to change ON YOUR END, and both show you are thinking about what she is saying. You are not deflecting OR defending yourself, which is great. No actual argument can be had with this approach. NOTE-I'm repeating this b/c it bears repeating. She won't come back if she believes that marriage to you isn't going to be better/DIFFERENT. So you have to show change every chance you get and those comments help SHOW CHANGE IN YOU.
You want contact without argument. NO defending yourself. Then eventually some relaxation around each other can happen, which you want. You want her to feel comfortable around you which means NO R TALK from you.
Then, you build on the ability to be around each other without tense R talks or weird awkwardness. That SLOWLY builds...
Let it build, "page by page". EVentually, a chapter is done -but don't keep expecting "the book to be done"
when you can only do a 'page' of relationship work, every week or two. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
There's a reason I keep saying that...
Remember**
If you seem upbeat and strong, (eventually it becomes reality) & that makes her wonder if maybe, just maybe, she has a problem in perspective...maybe she was wrong about you...
or maybe her info or "data" about you is old news and out of date, b/c maybe you really have changed...
So be the best dad you can be and
Be less predictable. If your w comments on your changes you can thank her for the compliment, but mention that you "wanted to make that change anyhow". Do not make a big deal about her comment or EVER ask if she's noticed them...
WHY? B/C then she'll think the "Change" is NOT real and that it is merely a tactic to get her back and
that if she were to return - then you would simply revert to the way things used to be. THAT IS HER GREATEST FEAR...
You must show her the changes for long enough that she believes they are real and permanent. Make them so.
When you think about it from another perspective, if your partner had flaws/problems that damaged the marriage enough a relationship to make you want OUT of it - even though you have two kids,
& then you see that the spouse is changing into someone without those issues or flaws, or who is becoming a person you wanted them to become all along, or even better, then it's darn tough not to re-think your choice to leave.
It's as if all "YOUR work" and patience with the spouse, staying as long as you did, before finally leaving
-- will only benefit someone else? WTH?
You could try to tell yourself it's "too little too late" or "it's not real", or "he'd never keep that up for ME"...
but down deep it ends up bugging a lot of people very much, that the changes they always hoped for, were finally made, but for someone else.
I heard an ex wife once say it's as if she "got the crappy Practice husband' and the 2nd wife gets the 'new & improved guy' and THEY get to go off into the sunset with his newfound relationship skills and all his confidence and respectful behavior, that she never got but Taught him by leaving!!!"
believe me, that bothers WAS's a lot...
and NO woman is unmoved by seeing the loving interactions of her children, with their father. Keep it up.
It's the right thing to do so they don't lose both parents, and b/c it gives YOU joy and b/c it takes two involved parents to raise happy healthy citizens.
Reassure your kids as best you can, that you will ALWAYS be there for them. And that you love them.
If things are smooth enough, and IF it does NOT seem like you are making your case to her
you may even thank HER for "waking" you up to make these changes
b/c now you see that life is better for YOU this way, and you won't ever go back to being an uninvolved dad who misses out, etc...
Make sense?
Be happy. It's attractive and that attitude MAY help win her back. But the thing is, it cannot hurt.
So even IF she never returns, You will be happier/healthier that much sooner. than if you wallow. Do not try to convince yourself that being miserable will prove how much you love her. That myth always backfires.
IF she is potentially open to returning, she's FAR more likely to do so, if there is an appealing, confident attractive man to return to...
Being miserable is just not attractive. It's weak and needy looking and no healthy woman will run back to that...Be strong...
(at least ACT strong - you only have to act like that in front of her & anyone who might pass on info about you to her. So look good and put together if you think you'll run into mutual friends. But hey, It's not a 24/7 thing so yes you CAN do this!).
Got it? Yes, I know you may not "Feel happy" but where the head goes, the heart will follow, if we let it.
Talk yourself into what you have to do. Don't wait to feel it...like GAL. Too many LBSers wait to "feel like GAL" but in reality what they FEEL like doing is hiding under their bed with some ice cream or booze. Should they do that b/c that is how they FEEL?
Don't let how you "feel" this hour, or day, dictate your life's choices or you'll be repeating your wife's behavior--following her every emotional whim as if that is the way to live.
NO one could keep their committments in life if they only let their feelings guide them.
"What's that? You don't "FEEL" like working today? Okay, don't show up"...see how that helps your career.
"You don't FEEL like cooking for the kids or taking care of the sick one, OR playing with them b/c it's not that fun FOR YOU"
so you "FEEL" like doing your own thing and gee, if you feel that way it must be right.
But that's a lie we say to justify some bad selfish choices. See how healthy your relationships w/your kids (or their physical health) become living that way.
Broken agreeements make for messy lives.
Love is at least in part, a CHOICE. We must make it every day. If need be, fake it til you make it...
good luck
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow! 25yrs....I'm copying this to read over and over again later. Thanks!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Copied and saved to be read again and again and again....
Shocked...take this all in...
((( ))) to all
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Me too. I just printed 25s post out myself. One of the things that I have been struggling with is the fact that my H says that he genuinely loves me very much but he just doesn't "feel" like being married. Not so he can go off and date but because he wants to live alone and write the great American novel (which he will never do anyway). Initially, I kept telling him that he shouldn't be such a slave to his feelings because I don't always feel like going to work or being a mom or whatever but I do it because it's part of life commitments that I've already made and they bring me a great life ultimately. But your post, 25, says it so much better. Being driven by feelings is often an excuse to be selfish. Shocked, you are getting great advice here. It was only when I completely detached and GAL'd that my H suddenly started saying maybe he had been confused about his feelings and was thinking about reconciling. Now we are dating and (always were) exclusive, but still living apart. We'll see where the next train stop on this journey takes us from here... Hang in there, but begin retreating strongly now so that she can miss you and start pursuing you eventually.
