Not Being A Victim

[dl443322]

Sweetie, just a couple of things if I may.

First and foremost, I have to tell you to be very careful with an mlcer in divorce proceedings. They can become someone you do not know.

Do what is best for you and your children. Protect all of you.

I am not sure what he thinks will be accomplished in that 4 way meeting. It is often a chance for the person and his lawyer to see where you are at. A chance to find out what they are dealing with.

As far as the AA meeting. Not a good idea in my opinions. Here's why. The person with the problem has to want help otherwise it doesnt work. Secondly, one thing has nothing to do with the other. Ans as Snodderly said, you need to keep the divorce part a business deal.

And your h will see this as pressure. He will think you are trying to control him.

I get what you are trying to do. I do. But, that is his path to walk.

You have to let him.

[BklynMom]

Thanks Brookie and Snodderly - I have another day to decide what to do. So I am not going to make a rash decision.

Just want to add that my father/lawyer will can totally cream my H lawyer. First of all my father has my interest and my daughters interest at the top of our list. 2nd of all my father who is in his late 60s has been doing D for almost 35 yrs. My H L to this point has been nothing but inept. Its a little sad. I googled H L and the guy is in his early 30s so there is no way he is going to have the kind of experience my dad has. Plus my father is so so smart, so ethical and is on the team of bringing my H home. My father believes that my H has had a nervous breakdown and my father key strategy is to give my H enough time to come to his senses.

My father and I have discussed the challenges of him representing me in the case. Early on we talked about finding a different L. We decided together that do to the extreme nature of my circumstance that he would continue to be my L and my #1 advisor. My father paid for more then one appt with DB coaches for himself to understand the strategy. My father believes we must do what works.

My father supports the DB philosophy but doesnt believe in doing nothing. He believes that each action we take needs to be thought through and decided on in a systematic way. This approached has helped me mentally detach and treat this almost like a work problem rather then a personal crisis (although I do slide into crisis mode on occasion)

Also part of strategy is my father can be the jerk and I tell my H, I would love let you pay less but I need to trust my Dad, sorry.

Thks for listening

[BklynMom]

Here is my updated letter I havent sent it yet and have given thought to not sending anything just saying no to the meeting.
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Regarding a 4 way meeting. My father has strongly advised me against this meeting since in his experience woman usually agree to more then they should at these meetings in an effort to please their estranged husband. I however am not opposed to such a meeting but I agree with my father that from a legal stand point it is not in my best interest. Initially when this situation arose I begged of you to attend marriage counseling with me, you declined. Now I could graciously decline as you did but I am willing to do the meeting in a trade. You go to 3 AA or Al-anon meetings and I will agree to a meeting? What do you think?

PS. Please do not misunderstand the purpose is not for us to get back together. Rather it is for us to better communicate with each other as we co-parent and perhaps for you to better understand me. I have learned and witnessed at Al Anon how people can share their innermost feelings, can better communicate with each other, in a non judgmental environment, and still be unconditionally accepted. I wish while I was growing up I had been more open with both my Mom and Dad. Instead I kept it inside and I have suffered because of it. Your going would facilitate the meeting and make it much less emotionally difficult for me.

[vera be fierce]

Bklyn - I would think again about sending this. I have tried to reduce a little of things that are your emotions and things that are legal advice that should be kept between you and your father:

Here is my updated letter I havent sent it yet and have given thought to not sending anything just saying no to the meeting.
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Regarding a 4 way meeting. My father has strongly advised me against this meeting since in his experience woman usually agree to more then they should at these meetings in an effort to please their estranged husband. I would not share your father's legal advice with your H.I however am not opposed to such a meeting but I agree with my father that from a legal stand point it is not in my best interest. Initially when this situation arose I begged of you to attend marriage counseling with me, you declined. Now I could graciously decline as you did but I am willing to do the meeting in a trade. You go to 3 AA or Al-anon meetings and I will agree to a meeting? What do you think?

PS. Please do not misunderstand the purpose is not for us to get back together. Rather it is for us to better communicate with each other as we co-parent and perhaps for you to better understand me. I have learned and witnessed at Al Anon how people can share their innermost feelings, can better communicate with each other, in a non judgmental environment, and still be unconditionally accepted. I wish while I was growing up I had been more open with both my Mom and Dad. Instead I kept it inside and I have suffered because of it. Your going would facilitate the meeting and make it much less emotionally difficult for me.

Given that you were just posting about showing your H your top 3 reasons for wanting to reconcile, I think what you had initially written really goes against that. If you shorten it to . . . I am open to it to better communicate while we co-parent - I think you are closer to showing H that #4 is not the 90% he thinks it is.


His request for the meeting does strike me as odd. If you do go, I would be silent, not say anything, and be upfront that you will not be agreeing to anything. You will need to be cool, calm, collected, and confident. Can you do that? If not, I would really question going.

[job]

verab754,
An excellent posting!

Bklyn,
We (three posters) have basically said the same thing, keep it as a business deal, leave your personal emotions out of it and do not use AA or Al-Anon as a bargaining chip. By doing so, you are setting yourself up as trying to manipulative and/or control him. A mlcer will not go for that. In fact, they become even more stubborn. Also, mlcers can't focus on too much of written word, i.e., keep it short, simple and to the point just as verab has done for you.

You are not dealing w/a rational individual right now. His emotions are what are driving him.

[BklynMom]

I really dont want to go to a meeting I would only go if he could go to a AA or Alanon meeting. My H needs help and I will try to help him find it. Whether or not he finds it is up to God I can not control that but I will be pointing in the right direction.

[vera be fierce]

I really dont want to go to a meeting I would only go if he could go to a AA or Alanon meeting.

Unfortunately this sounds like "I will only go to the meeting if I can control what H does." You know you can't.

Given that you said your only reason for going would be "strategy" i.e. getting him into a meeting that it seems like he doesn't want to get into, I would concur with the advice upthread to just say that if he and his L want to present something they can send it to your L and you will take a look at it then.

[vera be fierce]

PS - if you use the meeting as a bargaining chip to get him to go to a meeting, and he doesn't go, you're setting yourself up for a bigger fall because of your expectations.

[vera be fierce]

PPS - I am glad that you have your father around to help you through this, legally. But again - keep everything you discuss with him as your L between you and him. Your strategy is your own and you may wind up in an unfavorable position if you reveal too much to him.

[BklynMom]

If he doesnt go to the meeting then whatever, then we will not meet. I do not have any expectations that he will actually go.

The legal advice I mentioned was only mentioned to make my father the bad guy not because it is are "true strategy"

"I will only go to the meeting if I can control what H does."
I understand this and its true that is the only way I would go to a meeting it is not in my best interest to go however I would forego my best interest he did something that could help our family not just if we are together but also if we do D.

I will consider everyones thoughts. Thank you.