My situation with my WAW....

[sandi2]

"Any womens point of view as to how I can get an oppertunity show my wife that I'm not the man she see's through the fog...

The man she sees through the fog.....would that be the man she described as being afraid of? B/c based on what you've told us, that man exsists only in her imagination. The biggest problem that most LBH's have with a wayward W is her mindset.

You once said that she told you her R with OM was getting even stronger after she moved out of the house with you. I believe you said you thought she might have said that out of guilt feelings. I don't believe most WW would make a statement like that out of guilt feelings. I read so many newcomers who say things their LBS say that think it's from guilt, but it's not. Right now, she isn't feeling as guilty as you wish she was, IMO. The mind of a WW can block out a lot of guilt when she's under the influence & addiction of an A. In many ways, she's not the woman you knew with loving kindness & high family values. That is another reason you must stop yourself from expecting her to have a break-through any day and return to her old self.

She is capable of finding herself again, but it usually small baby steps, and she has to want to find herself again. Today, she doesn't want to be that person any longer, or she might argue that she hasn't changed at all.

She once was a woman who had high value standards, but now she has changed those values and she's out to get what she thinks make her happy. Right now, it's the OM. He makes her feel good about herself, and she thinks that makes her happy.

Making you out to be a bad H is what she does to justify her having a new life and a new love interest. Cutting ties from family members and former friends is common, b/c those folks do not agree with what she's doing....therefore, she avoids them.

It is unlikely that you or anyone else would be able to reach her through the fog she's in at this time. In fact, the more you try to say just the right thing & hoping it will touch her enough to wake her up, the more it actually turns her off and enforces her thinking she's made the right decision to leave you. That's why we tell you to stop it and to stay out of her life for now.

Listen, I couldn't stand to share the same air as my H, and he's a good man who never hurt me. However, I had replaced him in my lonely heart with another person who pumped up my ego like crazy! The more a W lets another man into her thoughts (much less in her bed), the more she grows cold toward her H.

The best plan of action, IMHO, would be to go dark. Do not have contact with her unless it is an emergency regarding your S. There is a reason for this. She needs to experience life without you in it. The more you remain dark and she can see her OM, the quicker she will come out of this A.

And, speaking of OM, there is a reason he is still in the house with his XW. Do you know what it is? It seems to me it gives him an open door to play around all he wants without obligations to a M with his W. It may be financial reasons or whatever, but I bet it won't be long until your W discovers OM is trying to back pedal his way out of another M. Your W would not have moved out if she didn't think OM was going to eventually M her. So, give her time and she'll find out what he's made of.

In the meantime, you are growing and having a better life even though she's not in it right now. You must stay busy GAL in order to see that you can survive without her. You don't want her to come home b/c you can't live without her, but you want her to return b/c she doesn't want a life without you. You have to work at being the very best man you possibly can be, and work toward that goal with the knowledge that it doesn't end once she's back. It doesn't end if she never comes back. You stick with b/c it gets the best for you!

[peringo]

Thanks sandi, I am trying so hard to go dark, but she keeps contacting me about our son. She brings me to tears so easily, I feel as though she was just pretending during our marriage, the only regret or remorse she has expressed to me is that she married the wrong man.

[MrBond]

"I am trying so hard to go dark, but she keeps contacting me about our son."

You have a son so you can never go completely dark. Go dim instead and be cordial when you discuss your son.

"She brings me to tears so easily,"

No. You do that to yourself. She isn't doing anything. You control how you feel.

"I feel as though she was just pretending during our marriage,"

You know that's not true.

"the only regret or remorse she has expressed to me is that she married the wrong man."

They all say that. What you need to do is let comments like that not get to you. It's tough, but can be done.

[peringo]

Thanks bond, your words give me some strength... but I am also thick skulled

So now she just showed up, out of the blue, to bring a toothbrush and sunscreen for our son... I don't have him today she does... she then asked if I would join them for dinner.... I passed, she mentioned some relationship issues. and the cost of divorce... I told her she is bringing it all on herself, and I mentioned that I thought she would want better for our son than she had, that that I thought she would put every effort into preserving our marriage. That there were so many inspirational programs for couples... her eyes started to well up with tears.... but our son was starting to get fussy so I said she better get going to feed him.

She had no real reason to come over.
No real reason to invite me to dinner.
No reason to bring up relationship.

Did I do right?

[MrBond]

"Did I do right?"

No.

Here's what you should have done IMHO.

When she came over with the items, don't wonder why, just say 'thanks!'.

When she invited you to dinner, you should have said "sure!" and had a great time to remind her of the person you ARE and not who she imagined you were.

When she said started talking about D and ANY time she brings up D, tell her - "you know, let's talk about that later and just enjoy dinner. We're having a great time and it would be a shame to put a damper on dinner right now."

Then when you leave, you say, "had a great time. do it again some time." Kiss your son and leave.

[peringo]

Thank you.... is there a scenario manual?? I could really use one.

[MrBond]

It gets easier with practice. Just remember - increase the positive and decrease the negative. Get your b@ll$ back.

[peringo]

I hope I'm not on these boards long enough to be a master of this delicate dance, but I do hope to learn enough to reverse course of my marriage, and prevent a repeat.... thank you

[peringo]

Anyone here believe in signs from above? Or perhaps the interpretation of them? I was reading the book " what a wife needs from her husband" I got to the part about turning your marriage over to God, there was a prayer about it. As I was reading the words of that prayer, my eyes started to fill up with tears, and a cloudless sky started to rain. Connection? coincidence?

[MrBond]

Coincidence. You're beginning to look for signs. When you do that, you'll start seeing signs in everything. You'll think when an article pops up, it's about you. You'll think that when a song comes on, you'll think it's about you.

I'd say post the prayer here and repeat it to yourself. Print it out and put it in your wallet. Keep it close and have faith in yourself and God to let things be the way they are meant to be.