Swimming with the Turtles

[zig]

bc it isn't saying that something is wrong with us that needs to be fixed, but that we just get pulled off track from being who we really are and want to be and need help staying on our track.

that's me in a nutshell for sure, need grace. too bad there ain't a nutcracker around. luckily i've got labug and you guys to gently 2 x 4 me instead.

[zig]

i always thanked him profusely - thinking that was what he needed in return. but what i didn't realize was that what he needed was different from what i thought he needed.

he needed more love making, more time spent with him (i was a workaholic and work always came first) , hanging out relaxed, not being worried all the time

mostly what he needed was someone who could be happy - and i just wasn't. now i'm happy because i found out that i don't need to find that through someone else. but i'm also not happy because i find that i don't know how to deal with his stuff in terms of co-parenting

thanks roro

i guess where i get confused - and really confused is that here you are saying how you go out of your way to thank him and appreciate him but when i am attempting to go out of my way to be more flexible with s, i get 2x4'd (gently i'll admit)

can someone please help me see the difference here. i know i seem to be really dense right now

thanks
zig

[labug]

Hey zig, I don't think you're being argumentative but rather, seeking to understand.

I was responding to the words you wrote. Perhaps what I read was not what you meant to convey, that happens sometimes.

[labug]

For the record, I think we should all do what works as long as it doesn't involve losing pieces of ourselves.

[zig]

i'm glad you think that labug - that i'm seeking to understand - i really am.

and this is where i know i have work to do on myself - finding out who and what i really am and untangling myself from the serious knot that is the r between h and me. at least in terms of how we continue to interact with each other about s.

[zig]

what if you haven't even found them yet? i'm beginning to suspect that is what my real problem is

[labug]

i guess where i get confused - and really confused is that here you are saying how you go out of your way to thank him and appreciate him but when i am attempting to go out of my way to be more flexible with s, i get 2x4'd (gently i'll admit)

zig, would you admit that there's quite a difference in thanking someone for doing something and giving up time with your son. To me that's apples and oranges. And it only involves 2 adults.

I would not "go out of my way" to give up time with my children. I would be flexible for special occasions or schedule glitches but I wouldn't go out of my way.

[zig]

would you admit that there's quite a difference in thanking someone for doing something and giving up time with your son

when you put it that way, it sounds so different. i guess i was thinking in terms of the intention behind the act. that when RoRo said she started to do it because she sucked at it before, and didn't do it and her intention was to change that behavior.

i sucked at how "possessive" i was of s - really possessive - and it played a huge part in how shitty h felt in the relationship. i think that could be why he kept us separated - in response to me being so possessive.

i don't feel like i'm giving time up with my son - as h pointed out in that one therapy session, i've had son definitely more than he has. he seems quite conscious of it. (i guess it's beside the point that it's because of the time he chose to spend with ow, but also because he's at work and socializing and choses not to call or see son during the week he''s with me

i on the other hand volunteer to pick s up if something comes up for h - not because i want to make it easy for h, but because i get more time with s.

i don't feel possessive about s any more, and i think this is my way of showing myself that i've changed


i wonder if i gave you the impression that this was going to be a considerable amount of time that i was intending to give up. it wasn't.

the suggestion i made to h was that we could be more flexible so that h could take him or see him during the week he was with me and i could do the same on the week he was with h. so i wouldn't be really be giving up any time with son, it would be spread out in a different way.

and it is to my advantage. while school was in session - i got to see s a couple of times a week because h was teaching. now with summer on, i would really have to go an entire week without a glimpse of him - and that would really suck. if i offer flexibility i also get to see s. h might not want to do it when s is here, but i could at least get to do it when he's there?

now if what you really want to say to me is that let it stay one week on and one week off so h gets to really miss s, and that would get the point across that this is the reality of the separation, i'll understand it in a different way.

i don't know if that tactic will really work with h - he has said that he loves the freedom and being on his own without s and doesn't miss him one bit (was hard for me to hear)

so if after my suggestion, there are signs that he wants to make a slight shift - wouldn't that be a positive thing?

i am really not planning to constantly text him etc - more just let each day bring up what it may, and then decide if it's good for me and is working fairly. if it isn't, then i'm taking it off the table.

[zig]

journaling -

there i went spinning again in some way. it seems that whenever i am faced with a decision - how to do something - i go spinning off and can't see or think straight.

just had a conversation with mil - and made the comment that i feel that i am doing everything the wrong way - with h, with s.

and she stopped me cold and said how about instead of thinking that, you start to think about all the things you are doing right.

so i'm going to try and do a little self appreciation here.

what am i doing right?

standing still
learning about myself and at least trying to understand how all this works and realizing what i need to change
loving myself more - much more than i ever did
trying to understand how s and h work and how to change my patterns with them
learning to be with myself independent of them and their needs
going out on my own and doing stuff that i didn't do before
imagining in a positive way life without h and being really okay with that
continuing to give as much love and support to my family, h's family and to h and s, no matter what
getting up and brushing myself off after every fall and keeping on moving forward
trying to understand what is a correct boundary for me in difficult situations

so that's quite a list and i do feel a bit more confident, now that i made it.

[zig]

so here's my dilemma - i'm NOT spinning off,i just want feedback.

this is to do with a conversation h and i have to have. s switches houses every friday. s stayed with me until tuesday this week (4 extra days because h was with ow - there was no discussion with h in advance - just him casually asking me if s could stay two more days, and then later that actually he needed to stay 2 more). he took s on tuesday yesterday) and has put off twice discussing when s comes back here. his words 'lets talk about it later

the later is expected to be tonight - if he doesn't call me i am going to call him.

scenario 1 (me saying what it already is)

me: i am just confirming that we are sticking to our original schedule as we haven't discussed otherwise and that s will be back with me on friday ), as we've always done. (that gives him only 4 days with s)

possible replies from h:
no , i'd like him longer (my response - i'm happy to let you take him for a few hours here and there)
that's fine (i don't offer anything)

scenario 2( me letting him decide)

me: I would like to settle the schedule for the next few weeks. how would you like to do it"

possible replies; let's keep it friday to friday or
i want to keep s for a whole week, so let's switch to tuesday since i got him yesterday
or i don't know, what do you want to do


so if i agree to switching the schedules - he gets both - time he planned with ow and then still gets s anyway.

if i insist on the original - am i being punitive or keeping my boundaries

the second one - where we stay with what was already in place, makes me feel as if i'm setting a clear boundary - the message being that you don't get to switch the schedule around to suit you , its's what we both have to be in agreement with, well before hand and if you change things without discussing them i don't feel as if i have to go along every time. i don't mind being flexible once in a while.

i do believe that if he wants to change to tuesday to tuesday and i don't agree my answer is going to be "let me think about it and get back to you, i've actually planned my summer with friday to friday in mind and so i will have to see whether this change would suit me" - that there will be anger and some backlash possibly.

that reply will allow me sometime to come back here and get your feedback on how to handle it from that point if it comes up.

i guess, if anyone is confused - this is a different issue from the one that we've been discussing for the last few posts. that was about my position on how flexible i was with when and how our time was spent with s

this issue is about h possibly changing things around to suit himself. it is as likely that he himself will assume we stick to fridays, or to change it. there is no way for me to tell, until i have this conversation

is there a different perspective i could look at it from which would be more beneficial?

thanks zig