I do have to apologize... I told her I wanted to talk about the future of what she was proceeding with... The D and the things she needed from it. I never once said to her that I wanted to talk about us. Just about what was going to happen in the next steps with D.
I would say, if you don't want this, then why should you be the one to go to her and ask how things are going to proceed? Let her come to you and tell you. Let her do the work.
And in the meantime, find things to do that will make you happy. Something that helped me is hanging out with old friends. People that grew up with me and really know me. Those kinds of things can take you back to a time when you were happy without your spouse. You had a life before her.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
The papers were exactly like I thought they were. Basically, they stated that I gave up all rights to the residence. When I was telling my W that I was unsure of signing, it was in no way to try to make her life harder by not giving in. I was just trying to protect me. In the end, I just gave in and signed them because I do really want what is best for W and SD. After she found out I was going to sign, she said to stop over to see SD.
Turned out on both ends of spectrum! It was amazing to see SD. She was shy at first. It's been a month since I last saw her. But it didn't take long for her to warm up. We played and ran around for over an hour.
On the other end, this was our anniversary and was very difficult to even hold it together. I'll be honest... there were moments where I had to turn away so I didn't lose it. My W, once had to walk into different room for really no reason. Not sure why, but I kinda hope it was that she was feeling the same as I was.
I didn't over stay my visit. She offered for me to stay and eat with them. I ended up leaving after a couple hours. She knew how difficult the day was for me.
One thing I did find odd was that she had said she had some stuff for me. Mail and some other stuff, but the only thing she gave me was the mail. She didn't say another word. I'm kind of hoping it was so I could go back again.
Kind of short. she knew I wanted to spend as much time with SD as possible. She left to run to store and let us play outside. As far as with W, she asked a few questions about me but I was having a very, very hard time with the anniv. I stayed until they were getting ready to eat, but I felt as though I was going to lose it and I didn't want to do that there, esp. in front of SD.
After my second DB session, I think going "gray" is what my next in line should be. I don't feel going dark would work.
One thing my W said earlier today that made me think... She said signing these papers today meant nothing about our sitch and it wasn't finalizing anything. She was either trying to get what she wanted or ... I don't know.
Didn't your W originally tell you that she didn't want to see you any more which is why you went dark?
How do you intend to go "dim" when she doesn't want you around? If you weren't strong enough to stay there for a longer period today, I don't think you're ready yet.
It really does sound like you're still doing what you want to make yourself happy. You have to have her be the one to start inviting you and softening. Right now it doesn't seem like you have the patience to wait.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Bond, That is what I have been trying to say the whole time. She would be perfectly fine if she didn't even have to think about this situation again. I'm not going to try to figure out if it's because she feels guilty or really never loved me, but she truly walked away and does not even want to look back. I feel that longer I go w/o communication w/ her, she continues to get farther away. I truly feel that she would be more comfortable and relieved if she didn't have to think about this situation again. Even from things from her past, she runs away from any problems and doesn't address anything.
this has nothing to do with patience...I've already gone 3 months and am willing to wait as long as it takes. But if I let things go completely, she will be gone.
As far as doing things that make me happy, that is very difficult when the majority of those things revolved around my family. I'm not a bar person that likes spending nights out like that. The things I enjoyed, like spending time w/ family, yard work, fixing or building things around house have been taken away from me. Hunting season doesn't start for some time.
She would be perfectly fine if she didn't even have to think about this situation again.
Assumption on your part. You do this a lot. Stop it.
Originally Posted By: 1702
I'm not going to try to figure out if it's because ...
Good. Can we call you out when you start doing this again?
Originally Posted By: 1702
... she feels guilty or really never loved me, but she truly walked away and does not even want to look back.
Assumption.
Originally Posted By: 1702
I feel that longer I go w/o communication w/ her, she continues to get farther away. I truly feel that she would be more comfortable and relieved if she didn't have to think about this situation again.
OK, for you to feel this way, but the funny thing in all this is that unless she feels that freedom, the situation will continue to spiral down. And it will all be your fault. In her eyes that is ...
Originally Posted By: 1702
this has nothing to do with patience...I've already gone 3 months and am willing to wait as long as it takes.
Three months? Seriously? PFFFTT, you're a piker. Do you know how long others on here have DB'ed? If you're not in this for the long haul, quit now.
Originally Posted By: 1702
But if I let things go completely, she will be gone.
Stealing a line from Bond ... rinse, repeat ....
Originally Posted By: 1702
The things I enjoyed, like spending time w/ family, yard work, fixing or building things around house have been taken away from me.
Stop being a victim. It's not helping you and it certainly isn't attractive to your wife. You're at your mother's right? I'm sure she could use a hand with something.
Look, I'm not trying to be hard on you. Well, yeah I am, because you're not listening. Trust me, we'll ALL been where you are now. Stop mindreading and assuming, and just once, ONCE, stop being so self-centered and look at things from her point of view.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
You are getting some great advice, unfortunately you refuse to utilize it.
You have to realize that you only have control of yourself. Bond and Drew are telling you that you keep repeating the same behavior over and over again. How is that working for you thus far? What are YOU doing to change YOURSELF? You have mentioned that you read the books. Perhaps it is a good time to read them again.
Do you read other threads in these forums? The place is a gold mine with advice, knowledge and wisdom.
Take your focus away from your W and focus on yourself. I know it is difficult, but you are wasting time.
It is your responsibility to get yourself to a happy and attractive place that is not dependent on anyone else. It is genuine change. You will find yourself in a much better place no matter what the outcome of your sitch is.
You are the captain of your ship. Where are you going to steer it to?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
