You're exactly right about that. I had already had this planned in my mind about telling her I wouldn't sign anything until L saw. As far as SD, between you, me, and the forum, as much as I would do anything to have a future with SD, I would never put her through what would need to be done to make sure I still see her. It is not fair to her to have to go thru what her mom and I are doing. I will basically do whatever is best for SD, not matter what.!!!
Very interesting turn of events that has me reeling with mixed emotions... I thought long and hard about signing the waiver so she could refinance house. This morning, I sent her a msg that I understood where she is at and what she wants, but I am not at that point yet, so I couldn't be signing any papers that would move the future along that we couldn't agree on. I told her that I was really looking forward to seeing SD and that I didn't want to take away from that by thinking or talking about our sitch. Also said that if she wanted, we could make plans to sit down and talk, w/o distractions, about what she wanted for the future so i could really hear and understand what she wanted.
After a very short wait, I got this back... "don't come over. ... U know i need to refinance so I can afford everything. Has nothing to do w/ finalyzing anything, but whatever."
I responded by saying that I would really like to see SD, i really miss her, but I understand. Told her I am sorry for her situation, but this was her choice. Told her she doesn't have the right to be mad at me, I have respected her decision, but she needs to understand where I am at too. All I was asking for was to sit down and talk about it.
Asked if I could at least drop off little gift I got for SD and I wouldn't stay. Said that whatever issues she and I have shouldn't impact the bond that SD and I have together.
Few minutes later, I missed a call from her and haven't heard anything back yet.
I know she is fuming mad and she is holding SD as leverage. I knew that she couldn't afford everything by herself, but I didn't think it would come out this quick.
I think you missed an opportunity, I don't think you got advice not to sign but rather to find out what you were signing and how it would affect you before you signed.
Quote:
Told her I am sorry for her situation, but this was her choice. Told her she doesn't have the right to be mad at me, I have respected her decision, but she needs to understand where I am at too. All I was asking for was to sit down and talk about it.
All of this is blaming, shaming and threatening.
Is that what you wanted to project? You didn't need to say any of this, IMO.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You should have just discussed it with your L like you said you would and then told her such. The way you phrased everything does sound very controlling.
You're still trying to steer her the way you want to and it's not working. Yes she's using your SD as leverage, but go back and look at what you did. It seemed like you were using the paperwork as leverage too.
Standing your ground is one thing. But telling her that she has to go back to talking about the R with you is another. That's the number one no-no of DB.
You're killing your chances.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
And just to clarify, you missed an opportunity to be able to see your SD, show your W how good of a father you are and earn back a little bit of goodwill in her eyes.
Now you don't get to see your SD at all or your W for that matter.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I know that you're hurting and you're frustrated but I would listen to MrBond. He is giving you really great advice. Seriously.
One of the most important points about DB'ing is "DO WHAT WORKS." What you have been doing so far is NOT working. Change your approach. Try to take on a different perspective.
The best way I can see things from my H's perspective and try to get a glimpse of how he's feeling is... I think back on guys that I dated that I didn't feel an attraction to. I knew they were attracted to me, but I just wasn't feeling it for them. It didn't mean they were bad people or they had something wrong with them. It just was something that I felt inside. And to have that person constantly pursue me, is uncomfortable. It doesn't feel right.
Try to look at that as your W's point of view. How can you change your behavior so you're not constantly making her feel uncomfortable? Stop talking about the R. Stop telling her how you feel about her. She knows. Show her that you can be happy and that life goes on. She will soon come to wonder what happened???
I can tell you that when one of the guys I used to date (that I wasn't attracted to) had told me that he no longer felt the same way about me. It still had an affect on me. It made me feel like... why? And had I not been dating my H at this same time, I probably would have felt really sad about it and pondered over what changed to make him feel that way.
Read this over and over until you understand it. I promise, I know how you're feeling to the highest degree. I've felt it all.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
