Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[whatisis]

Btw, I didn't mean to sound harsh with the above comments. Just thinking out loud and throwing some questions at you. Do with them what you will

[antlers]

When you are tired enough of struggling, of suffering, of being unhappy, you'll stop.

[Drew]

I just want to scream at you "LET THE WOMAN GO!"...but what good would it do? You'll torture yourself until you decide enough is enough. Seriously, what are you holding on to? So much of your posting is focused on her and she's been gone for over two years at least. What are you holding on to? You don't have to answer here, I'm just posing the question. There's something you are getting by holding onto to that life for so long. We don't do things unless we are getting something from it. What are you getting? If you keep holding on does it mean you're not a failure yet? I know failure is a biggie for you. So what if you just said "Yeah, I'm a failure, I f@cked up, so be it, time to make a new life" Could you do that? Why hold on and to what exactly are you holding on to?

^^^This^^^

Wow.

That will be when we know CTH has made it through.

Then maybe he'll change his username.

I suggest "Thriving As Me."

[ClingingToHope]

Rest of weekend went really well. Saturday we went to annual community fair. I spent $100 (sigh). Then girls hung out at home with friends. Sunday was hot and we had several of their friends over swimming. Later, I finally took all of the friends home so it was just the three of us and we headed to local mini putt/go kart business. I had free coupons from the owner.

On the way home from that we started talking about all the fun we're going to have this summer and how this day was one of our best ever. So they started ranking their best days ever. Then, of course, D13 brought up the worst day ever, which they agreed was the day I was kicked out.

I agreed it was the worst day, but we can't do anything about it anymore except enjoy the time we do have together.

Monday. D13 had to march in a parade. Then we headed home. D13 was sun burned from day before so she stayed inside all day doing home work. D9 had two friends come over and we went swimming three times.

Finally, bed time. D9 stayed up a little later than I wanted because she had to fill out invitations to her birthday/swimming party in August.

This is the last week of school. Summer break starts next Monday. My first week off with them is in two weeks. In fact, two weeks from today we'll be hopping in the car for a two day stay in Chicago. I am extremely excited about the trip. We've always done one day trips to Chicago. This time we're staying the night downtown and stretching the fun over two days.

There are lots of things I'm going to get to do now that I unlikely would have been able to do if XW and I stayed together. We rarely traveled because XW spent money faster than we could make it. Now, I control my finances completely. If I want to take $40 each paycheck and put it into another account just for summer, I can. There's no worry I'll have to raid it to pay off XW's debts.

If I want to take them to Florida next year for spring break, I can. Or New York the after or L.A. in five years, I can. There are lots of places I'm going to go and people I'm going to meet. I never would have pursued a Master's degree with XW. She doesn't have a college degree and I was stuck knowing I couldn't get a Master's while she didn't have a bachelors and she was too scared to go back and get the bachelors.

Everything comes back to controlling your mind and emotions until it just fades away. This weekend whenever I'd have thoughts of XW and what she was doing, I'd list her "uns."

She's unintelligent, unaffectionate, unimaginative, unambitious, unappealing, unathletic, undependable, uneducated, unfaithful, unfeeling, unforgiving ... there are lots of them.

Right now, I have no dating prospects and I'm sure that's part of the funk. I've been working so hard to get to some kind of comfort level. I'm there now and I'm ready to get out there again. I'm hoping the college experience gets me in front of a new crowd. I've kind of cycled through my existing one.

Really, I'm doing well at the things I can control. I'm still struggling with letting go of the things I can't control.

[SunFunOne]

C2H: Maybe you place too much importance on being in a relationship. Maybe your daughter also picks up on that. No one will "Complete" us if we are not complete ourselves. Yes, it is fun to have a companion but friends are also great for that.

The time will come. Mostly I find it comes when you stop worrying about it. You do not sit home feeling sorry for yourself. You are obviously getting out there and doing things with friends and with your daughters. Try to enjoy that more and not focus on anything missing from your life.

I think you've come a long way. I just think you need a little bit more work. Don't beat yourself up for what you haven't accomplished - pride yourself for what you have done!

Barb

[mishka422]

CTH, take this for what it's worth but I have a suggestion.

You have mentioned in the past that when you talk to your sister you 'have' to go over the whole D thing and your feelings with her. You've also mentioned that about seeing people you haven't seen in a while or getting together with other D'd friends and having that in your convo.

It might help to stop talking about it entirely. If someone asks, there is no law that says you have to hash it out with them. A simple, "All is going well." will suffice. The less you are forced to bring it to the forefront of your mind the better able to put it behind you.

Just something I've found to be true.

[ClingingToHope]

Actually, Mishka, I've already done that for the most part. This weekend, my uncle came out to the pool and watched the girls swim. At one point, he asked "what's XW doing?"

I told him that it doesn't really matter anymore, and I try not to think about it. It doesn't do me any good.

In fact, that's part of the reason I try to keep all interaction with XW through text. That keeps things stuck on short questions and responses. I want nothing to do with any conversation where she can slip in "we're doing this" or "I'm going there."

It doesn't stop the thoughts from intruding. The girls this weekend said XW is thinking of getting a Chevy Traverse with her next car. That sent my head spinning in a few directions. She hasn't had a car payment since 2008 when I paid off her car -- a decision I now regret. Considering D9 tells me she's having trouble making the house payment how exactly is she going to buy a new or newer SUV? Most likely, XW focusing on something new and shiny to make her happy. That was always the pattern.

But that doesn't help me.

When people ask me how things are going -- the past few months -- mostly I talk about the efforts to begin the master's program. That is a big, big key to my future.

[ClingingToHope]

GM, I know it's not my business. That's what I wrote. But I'm still not to the point where that stuff doesn't float into my head. It doesn't happen as often and I flush it more quickly. Still, it still happens.

Interestingly, the baseball umpiring helps. For a few hours I block everything out and concentrate on the game. And I've been reading more. That helps too.

I'm not sure how things will go in the summer. I am hoping there's a lot less interaction with XW. I actually have the girls more than 50 percent of the time in the summer and we have lots of fun stuff planned. I'm in the best shape financially since moving out in May 2009.

[mishka422]

There are lots of good things happening for you CTH. I'm so glad to hear it!

More than 50% of the time this summer? You are one super lucky dad! It sounds like your custody arrangement is working very well indeed.

I'll be honest with you, those dark thoughts and relived pain pop into my head still and my xh and I have been 'together' again for over 2 years. It's something that I'm afraid I'll deal with the rest of my life because of our proximity and my own issues. You will eventually be able to put her out of your head entirely except in cases of the girls. Those thoughts of 'what is she doing?', 'why would she do that?', and concerns over her situation will fade (except if they have an adverse effect on the girls of course).

Embrace your new opportunities and all the fun you are able to have with your girls. That is life's true gift! Time.

[ClingingToHope]

It is frustrating at times to read posts saying "just put it out of your head" or "get over it." If I could automatically program myself to follow the advice I would.

In the end, it just takes time.

Today to me is the start of summer. D9 had her last day. I picked her up and then took both girls out for lunch.

Summer is different. There will be more chunks of time that I don't see them. During school, I see them at least an hour for 85 percent of the days. That actually will help my work schedule now. I'll have lots more 8:00 a.m. to 4 p.m. days.

Then there will be large chunks of time that I have them all day and it'll be just us -- no XW to worry about -- and our adventures.

Lots of things going well. It looks like ALL of my masters program will be covered. I really can't wait to get started.

To make time though I'll back way off on the church stuff. It's been good and it kept me busy, but I've simplified my life a bit. When deciding whether to do something outside my time with the girls it has to meet one of three criteria.

1) Do I make money at it?

2) Does it help me stay in shape?

3) Does it give me a chance to meet new people?

Someone asked me why I stopped playing tournament softball. It's not really that physically demanding. It costs me money. And the only women at the game are wives and girlfriends. So it misses on all three.

The church activities really only give me a chance to meet new people, but I've found the opportunities have been limited.

I have to umpire tonight and then I'm meeting friends out. Tomorrow I have a free day. I was looking to play golf, but none of my playing partners are available. So I may just work on my uncle's driveway. He's offering $50. Every little bit helps.

I'm sure I'll find something to do tomorrow night.

Sunday, church, softball and, if nothing else, working on side projects.