It's been a strange couple of days - H and I still in touch, but less frequently. When we have spoken I've kept it very light and up beat, and just told a funny story of something that happened to me during the day. Workwise it has been a great week for me so far as I've been shortlisted for a national award.
I'm just wondering though - I've started to feel differently. Yes, my preference would be for my marriage to work, and I love my H dearly. But I'm starting to feel more like we're strangers, that the bond we had is gone.....it's unsettling. Does anyone know what I mean?
Thanks autumn - i was so pleased to just be nominated for the award - was over the moon to find out i'd been shortlisted.
my h text me earlier asking if he could come round this evening after work. i said i wasnt sure when i'd be finishing but if i was home when he was going past (he has to drive past my house when going to ane from work) then by all means to stop by. he came and was all miserable say he was ill - in truth he really didnt look too good, so as soon as he got here he asked if he could havee a lie down. after a little while he asked me what we were going to do. i was confused by this and asked what he meant, and he said how are we going to sort out the divorce.
to be honest, this made me angry. not so much he's bringing upbthe divorce - i feel ok with that at the minute (tomorrow may be different) but because of how he wants it to work - in the uk there is no 'no fault' divorce, and he wants me to do it first because he doesn't think he has grounds (he doesn't), and second because its my job - he thinks i can do it easily (i can,but i didnt start doing family law so i could do my own divorce!!). I have previously rold hom he can go ahead, and i won't defend or delay it, but he doesn't want to have to sort it! I can't imagine why he would think i would do it!
the main reason i got angry though is that he came round to say this knowing that my brother's wedding is on fri,and that i'll be leaving tomorrow to stay in the hotel we were supposed to be staying in. i suddenly realised that he's come round to say this because he's now 'sure' he wants a divorce but doesn't want to have to do anything about it himself, and without a single thought of 'maybe this could wait until she's back from the wedding'.
i didn't lose my temper or cry in front of him, hut i did say that i have already told him if he wants a divorce then to see to it himself, that he has terrible timing, and then i asked him to leave
i know this probably goes completely against db principles, but i suddenly had enough. i also think he was surprised because i haven't stood up for myself for years for fear of pushing him away - he called a couple of times afterwards to say sorry .
Had my brothers wedding on fri, it was a really lovely day and felt really good to be the other end of the country surrounded by my family whoi am enough for, just the way I am. Soothed my soul a bit, and I managed to do my reading only slightly crying!
On the H front, on the drive up there I had a long think. I know he won't get on with the divorce, he doesn't want to have to do it. I know I said about why should I, but I was so fed up of it all and thought I needed to do something to get me out of this limbo, and if that's a divorce then so be it. I can't believe I did it but I rang him and said fine, I'll do it, i dont want this any more either. And i really didnt. I asked him to drop the petition and marriage certificate in on his way to work and I'd sort it when I get back. That was on Thursday. I thought he'd jump at the chance. Just home today (Sunday), and he hasn't put them through the letterbox, although thurs, fri, sat and today he would have gone past my house, and known he wouldnt have had to see me. On the day of the wedding he sent me a photo of a bear he bought for me when we first got together. He rang me a couple of times the next day to see how it had gone. We've spoken today and he became quite teary at the end. Not sure why. He hasn't mentioned the divorce again and I have not brought it up.
Thanks Vera - it's one of those things I should have seen coming, just didn't.
H turned up yesterday in tears wanting to talk. Apparently it's been on and off since I moved out. He thought that, because he thought everything was wrong with me and him, that it would be right with someone else. He realised it wasn't, and that actually me and him had everything going for us. He was blaming me for everything, when actually he needed to look at himself.
He ended it with her before I moved back in. But then he felt so guilty that I didn't know, and felt he had to tell me. But he thought then I wouldn't want to be with him and so he decided to just ended it. He felt very confused, and it took him a few days to realise he wants to be with me, and so he had to tell me everything before there could be any chance of that happening, fuly aware that I might just walk away.
I just listened, then told him I need some time. I think for the first time he has been honest with me, and he was actually talking to me for once. If we were to ever have a chance, he was right I needed to know. I just don't know how to even go about processing it and dealing with it. I can't understand that she was happy to be seeing him, knowing that he was trying to sort things with me. I can't bear the thought of them sleeping together in our bed, the one his Gran brought as an engagement present.
Okay - first - stop thinking about H and OW. He has told you it's over. It's actually pretty amazing that he seems to be showing actual remorse - do you think it's genuine? You can always get a new mattress later, new linens, paint the room, move the furniture around so it looks different, whatever. That's not quite as important right now.
Second - I would make another appointment with Chuck ASAP.
Third - if for some reason H brings this up again before you can talk to Chuck, I would say something like "I just wanted to say that I thought it was really brave of you to come forward like you did and admit what happened and be honest with me. Honesty is really important to me and is something I need in a relationship. I appreciate that you told me. I need a little more time to process what you said so that I can give you an honest response." Or something like that (making this up on the fly). At least until you can talk to Chuck and figure out what's best for you.
Forgiveness is the hardest part, but most important.
A friend told me something the other day regarding his parent's D when he was younger.
He said his father told him that he wanted to come home to his mom. But he felt like he screwed up so bad with the OW that he was scared to come back. He didn't know if he hurt her too bad and if they could overcome it.
Instead of coming home and trying to reconciled, he took the easy way out and walked away.
It is a natural emotion. How many times have you heard stories of kids that run away and don't come home because they are too scared of what they did? How many lives were lost because someone thinks they screwed their life up so bad they can never get it back, so they end it?
The one thing I try to let my Ds know is that no matter what they do, no matter how bad they screw up, that I will always love them and not to be too scared to come to me when in trouble. My oldest D is 13 now. In a blink, she is going to be in high school. She is going to do what I did in high school. I am trying to hammer it in that she can always come to me, no matter what. Do not make a mistake like drinking and driving because she is too scared to call me for a ride because she thinks I will be mad.
By no means are we accepting their behavior. We are letting them know they have a safe harbor.
Regarding the sleeping in the bed, it is just a bed (at least that is what I am convincing myself). If my W and I reconcile, "our" bed is going in the trash and I am buying a new one.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
