I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure the "LRT" is NOT an ultimatum, it's going completely dark and cutting off all contact. With kids that's hard because you have to do handoffs, but you keep your interactions and words to the bare minimum, and only business.
It's giving them a taste of what life is like when you're truly gone.
Someone who has the book handy should look it up so JKS isn't getting the wrong idea.
JKS, an ultimatum is effectively the same as walking away and saying you're done!
Peter
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I think he has an idea of how it would be without me, and could really care less...
This next month will be complete darkness... well, as much as I can while still handing off kids back and forth. Only time will tell.
My SIL called today and said she drove passed OW's house and my H's work car was there. She is now stalking him... LOL! I actually could have called the neighbor across the street to find out whether he was there or not if I really wanted to know, but I didn't really want to know because it's obvious. It just makes me angry and then I want to do irrational things like egg her house and key her car.
For anyone reading this, any encouragement on staying dark will help a lot because I have huge moments of weakness where I just want to call him and ask him what the hell is going on. I know the longer I do this, the better. But he can't expect me to go on like this for longer than a month. The race he was talking about is on June 16th so I feel like any time after that is going to be my breaking point.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Btw, we are on a first name basis now? I feel so privileged! To be honest, I'm pretty sure I saw a picture of you on FB under "DB Buddies" but the group isn't there anymore? There couldn't be two Accurays right?
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Going dark means regaining your dignity and self respect. It means that u think good things of yourself. It means that u have let H go. You don't need him to be whole. and u can't put dates on things it don't work like that. So in June u will stop loving him?
How are u different today?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Going dark means regaining your dignity and self respect. It means that u think good things of yourself. It means that u have let H go. You don't need him to be whole. and u can't put dates on things it don't work like that. So in June u will stop loving him?
How are u different today?
The problem is, I will never stop loving him. It is impossible. This could go on and on and on. I feel like letting him go and ending my R with him, is me regaining my dignity. Do you know how much it hurts to have a spouse tell you to your face that they're in love with someone else but they MIGHT see a future with you? But in the mean time they're going to continue having sex with the OP? The OP is there for all major family events and is continually growing closer with your kids.
I am being replaced. That is just the dirty truth.
Where is my dignity in that? Just holding on to little bits and pieces of nothing. They're becoming closer and I'm becoming resentful and angry.
How am I different today? I feel like I'm more understanding than I've ever been in my entire life. I have given him the benefit of the doubt several times. I have overcome a lot of my anxieties about cleaning and keeping things together... this is still not perfect, but if I aim towards perfection then I feel I'm just setting myself up to fail. I work out so much more than I ever have which does make me feel better about myself.
I feel my full potential of reaching my independence can't be obtained until I find a place of my own. Get a job and start doing everything for myself. I'm torn about the job on a daily basis because I was told by my L not to get one. (Here I am a stay-at-home mom who's living with her mother and, really, I have no where else to go unless I do get a job. I know this needs to happen sooner or later, just don't know if its wise to pursue it now.) My tax guy did just recently tell me that H did email him on May 8th to ask him what my income was... I'm guessing for alimony. He never did respond to my H, though, because he felt like he would be helping my husband possibly get out of having to pay it. Because I'm self-employed it's harder to read it on our previous tax returns, I guess.
I will be talking with a third L on Monday to see if she's a good fit for me. The first one I talked to was arrogant and distracted and the second one was absolutely amazing but extremely expensive. I'm hoping this third one can be somewhere in the middle.
And I know that everyone thinks I need to just forget about H. What he's doing should not be my focus. How do I do that when my kids bring him up in every other sentence? Most of the time I just respond with, "cool." I don't want to make them feel bad for talking about their dad, but it kills me to hear it. When will I stop caring? I don't know.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I get that JKS. I am being replaced too. But I am not going to let it go without a fight. I am to the point where DB or not I have to watch out for me and my kids and stand up for what is right and true. Sometimes love must be tough. Ask a L if you have any bearing on keeping OW away from your kids. Maybe you don't have to file. But it doesn't hurt to ask.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
As long as your H knows you will be there for him, he has no rush to decide. That is why you must go as dark as you can.
It is childish, but I did the same thing as a kid. I would date two girls but keep stringing one along just in case it didn't work out with the other girl.
I love my W. I would take her back in a heartbeat if given the chance. However, I can't let her know. She has told her sister, her friends, etc that I will always be there for her when they tell her to pull her head out of her a@@. She was so confident she could see the OM and I would take her back. Since I have gone dark/dim, I think it has scared her. She is contacting me more and seeing what I am doing because she is starting to worry if I will always be there. I will, but I refuse live in pity and allow her to think she is able to do as she pleases.
You are too good to be someone's backup plan.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
