In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[RoRoinMD]

(((Ad))), sorry this is happening. But as the vets say...this is just a step in the process. Things can still change.

I agree with Rick. Admitting you are angry is huge. I believe you will do the work to get through that anger and do the best by your kids.

We're all here for you!

[cat04]

So, I said, I don't care if we go to that mediator or another because I will find any of them equally objectionable, since I think what he's doing is wrong.

This is a very understandable feeling and I honestly hope that you didn’t say it to him. Because it is judgemental.

You may not agree with his actions, you may not like them, you may not want them, but they are not wrong. They are based on his feelings and we are all entitled to feel whatever it is that we feel.

Using the word wrong…was the old AD, I hope.

Telling our S that they are wrong, will simply push them away further and faster.

Sometimes I have bitter words for him intended to be scathing and leave him sorry.

Sometimes I meet his new woman and laugh and say, "of course it's ok for you to have him. Please, be my guest. He's your problem now. No, scratch that.

Scratch that, yes, you don’t want to say it. It’s ok to think it though and then let it go. Trust me on this, we have all had those vengeful thoughts. Those daydreams of saying every mean thing we possibly could to hit all those nerves within them and to punish them, as we feel they have done to us.

Let them be what they are, daydreams.

When the time comes, and it will (whether you reconcile or D) that you get to say your peace, speak from a place of grace and dignity. From the place of love that you still hold in your heart (and always will I hope) for this man. NOT from anger.

Do you think I'll ever get to a place where I can calmly tell my kids "Your father and I decided...and no matter what we both will always love you"?

Honestly, yes you will get to a place where you can talk about it calmly and you will know what to say at the time. It doesn’t mean you won’t show them your remorse, but I hope you won’t have anger to show them.

And don’t EVER use the words that you used to describe your feeling here. Again those are judgemental, critical, and suggest that we are not allowed to make our own choices, however destructive they may be without being “demonized” for them.

How do I both protect my kids and resist what my H is set on doing? I know I can't stop or control him, but I don't want to make it easy for him and I don't agree that he can't help himself.

You be honest. And believe me, this won’t be as easy for him as you think. He is still a human with feelings and he is hurting even if you don’t see it or he won’t admit it.

I feel like, if H says I can't help how I feel and I say "yes I understand you can't help how you feel here let me schedule mediation for us,"

You don’t schedule the mediation. Let him do it. He wants this, let him do the work for it.

You can’t stop him from doing it, and should not be surprised if he does or doesn’t, but you don’t have to be the one who initiates it either.

We deserve better. We deserve a H and dad who gives half a crap about saving this little family we created.

Yup.

I've been waiting a year for some kind of wake up call to happen and it hasn't, because he spent the entire year not connecting with us, not participating with us, lying in bed with his iPad.


So, I do love him, and I believe I know him better than anyone, and I understand him better than I did before. If after my best efforts he needs to go, then he needs to go. But yeah, I'm angry about it right now.

What makes me feel a little better is knowing how far we were from what I needed, and how slim the chance that we'd ever get there. I need to be with someone who will hold me when I learn I might have cancer, not be out installing a computer for a woman. I need to be with someone who will comfort me when my uncle died and I was sitting alone crying, not make fun of me for it. I need to be with someone who will listen to how I want to be ML to, not get mad at me for being critical. I want to be with someone who is happy, not mad, to see me after work. I want to be with someone who builds me up, doesn't tear me down.

So yeah, I'm mad right now, that my H is not ever going to be that guy for me. I'm mad that I'm willing to work with what he can offer and be OK with it, and he's not.

The final message I want to give him right this moment isn't a loving one, it's a verbal kick in the pants as he heads out the door. I won't be so mad tomorrow, just having an emotional day.

I hope you are as mad today as you were yesterday. I hope you haven’t stuffed those feelings just yet so that you can hold it together and present the picture perfect image…

I hope you come here and vent some more, in a place where it is appropriate, where you can get it out.

I also hope that you are beginning to acknowledge that your anger isn’t all directed at your H. I hope you are recognizing that some of your anger is also at yourself. Actually most of it, IMO.

Where have you failed? Failed your H, yourself, your kids?

What is the verbal message that you want to give to yourself right now? I am willing to bet it’s about as nice as the one you want to give your H if you are really honest with yourself.

I just worry that with the flip flopping that I do, I don't really know where I really stand. I don't really know what I want. I just know that I'll be ok when I get there, where ever it is.

What DO you want and need?

And are YOU worthy of what you want and need?

Until you believe that you are, you won’t receive it from anyone. Because you won’t allow it.

A,

Some hard words and hard questions here, for a hard situation.

They come from a place of caring and concern as well as support. I hope you know that.

To steal a line from a friend...

the only way to do it, is through it. (nickle Brookie )

[workinghardguy]

I would advance that you should script it out. Each person have their assigned role and message. It helps reduce the amount of stuff that gets made up on the fly and keeps you on message. Each have an assigned role.

Ad... I wouldn't advise just interjecting when needed. You are not a passive bystander in this. You need to say your piece and say your peace as best you can within the confines.

Lastly the message has to be all about the kids, not about you two. This is something that you two are doing but it is affecting them. Look at it through their lens. Less focus (in fact no focus is good) on the "why" and the "how" of the divorce. More on what the kids worry about:

• Where will they live?
• Where will you live? Where will dad live?
• Do I get to go to my current school?
• Do I get to stay near my friends?
• Are there major changes to my life? For example, if a child has an expensive hobby (flying for example) will there still be money to do that?
• When will they be with you?
• When will they be with dad?
• What about grandma/grandpa? Will I still see them?
• What about holidays? birthdays?

Kids are by their very nature ego-centric. They have yet to develop the capacity to see a world beyond them, though that diminishes as they grow older. You will want to tell that why and how, but those are concepts and ideas that are big and complex. Too big really and too complex for them. The major point of the conversation is to tell them what is happening, how they will be impacted, and how the two of you will work to address their needs.

If they want to know more... and they will at some point... they will ask.

There are also lots of good books out there. Books targeted at the adult giving the message as well as books for kids to read.

Lastly do research on co-parenting. That's the stance you will move to. It's tougher than it sounds because it requires both of you to put the kids and their needs first. They may be a challenge for him, and not reacting to his efforts will be a challenge for you.

My W and I scripted it out. We even rehearsed it a few times before we delivered it. I won't lie... the rehearsal was absolutely heartbreaking, but it was good. It allowed me to know where in the conversation I would become emotional and start to breakdown. I didn't want to fall apart in front of the kids when we did this. And rehearsing helped.

I will also say the actual delivery went far better than I thought it would. I had created an armageddon in my mind and it certainly wasn't that. But, I credit a lot of that to the message and our delivery of it.

[adinva]

Good advice, thanks.

I'm sure "Why" is one of the first questions they would ask. Why can't you stay together, why are you doing this? And that's where I have the most trouble.

The other questions, those that focus on the kids and their needs and what will happen to them, seem like they would be easier to answer without emotion getting in the way of communication.

Do they really not ask why in that first conversation? Or did you focus them back on them, maybe saying "we can't explain why but what's important is for you to know...."?

[adinva]

Oh yeah, I started a new thread; here it is:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2250079#Post2250079