From my experience, I said some things in the very beginning of my situation that I wish I had not. No name calling or screaming about the unfairness but I did say things like "I wanted to go to counseling" or "He's the one who left."
I wish I could take that back.
Of course my sons are older and a bit more mature but it still closes a door with them, just a little.
It is so painful.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks labug, that helps to know. I feel I'm being forced to be complicit in breaking up their family.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
AD my W told my D when this happened. Without me knowing what she told her. But that is how she roles. Let him plan the whole speech. Let him answer their question. All u can say is that u love them and that they will be safe. The wanting to be on the record well, thats the wanting to be right. Your kids will know the truth when the time is right. We can't protect our kids from divorce. Some will do better than others but every kid will be affected from a divorce.
I am kind of accepting my stich. Making some peace with it. The not wanting to make this easy on him smells a bit like anger or wanting to get even. Let life be his teacher. You know I'm in your corner
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
adinva.. all the feelings you have mentioned above.. i have gone through. i felt very betrayed.. very angry.. at the MC when we talked about telling the kids, i wanted him to ensure he said.. "i decided" because i most certainly did not support his decision.
i didn't think H gave our M a fair shot.. i felt everything he was doing was so horribly wrong for our family.. for our kids.. i ran through thoughts of.. you are the one who had the PA and now i'm the one begging you to stay???
i think i just came to a point where i realized this is not who i am. early in our situation.. i read a R book and one of the exercises was to consider what was a value we had in ourselves. i remember at that time that one of the most important things to me is that i live a life full of compassion and empathy. and who i was being towards H was none of these.
i think you're incredibly beautiful and strong. our situations differ that my H doesn't stay here and perhaps that's why it's been easier for me. i don't know if i could be as kind towards my H as you have been with yours if he continued to be here everyday distancing himself.
we all do the best we can with what we've been given. the blessing of these boards is that sometimes we're given just a bit extra..
(((( ))))
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Rick, I am angry. Chris, thanks for your thoughts.
I feel like, if H says I can't help how I feel and I say "yes I understand you can't help how you feel here let me schedule mediation for us," I won't have done right by me and by my kids. We deserve better. We deserve a H and dad who gives half a crap about saving this little family we created.
I've been waiting a year for some kind of wake up call to happen and it hasn't, because he spent the entire year not connecting with us, not participating with us, lying in bed with his iPad.
So, I do love him, and I believe I know him better than anyone, and I understand him better than I did before. If after my best efforts he needs to go, then he needs to go. But yeah, I'm angry about it right now.
What makes me feel a little better is knowing how far we were from what I needed, and how slim the chance that we'd ever get there. I need to be with someone who will hold me when I learn I might have cancer, not be out installing a computer for a woman. I need to be with someone who will comfort me when my uncle died and I was sitting alone crying, not make fun of me for it. I need to be with someone who will listen to how I want to be ML to, not get mad at me for being critical. I want to be with someone who is happy, not mad, to see me after work. I want to be with someone who builds me up, doesn't tear me down.
So yeah, I'm mad right now, that my H is not ever going to be that guy for me. I'm mad that I'm willing to work with what he can offer and be OK with it, and he's not.
The final message I want to give him right this moment isn't a loving one, it's a verbal kick in the pants as he heads out the door. I won't be so mad tomorrow, just having an emotional day.
I just worry that with the flip flopping that I do, I don't really know where I really stand. I don't really know what I want. I just know that I'll be ok when I get there, where ever it is.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
But you can see her confusion in what she said. She wants her H... or perhaps better, she wants A husband. Right now she doesn't even have that.
As far as the kids... I don't agree with Rick. Don't let him or make him do all the talking. Whether right or wrong, you're doing this together. Whether you want it or not, it's happening to the both of you.
Kids are amazingly perceptive. Your lack of input and involvement will be noted.
Plus why should he get to write the script? Just because you make him say everything doesn't mean he'll say what you want said.
Lastly... and this is oh so very, very, very hard... this isn't about blame. It can't be "Dad wants a divorce but I don't, but because he wants one we are getting divorced." Even delivered calmly that's setting your kids up to blame dad. And maybe dad deserves all the blame, but reserve that for when they're older and ask. Instead "mom and dad have decided we cannot be married anymore. Some time this happens between adults. It's not your fault and you have nothing to do with why we can't be married."
If you want to toss in you still care for each other as friends ok, but only if you mean it.
And, btw, the kids will figure out the truth pretty fast. It took my S, who's only six, about two months to figure out that my W is the driving force. Never told him this, never mentioned it. But I'm quite sure he pieced together that mom moved out, that I was very sad for a long time, and most of all that I am willing to talk to him about the divorce where my W isn't. Because while I feel guilty and sad that he is going through this pain, I don't feel the same guilt and pain my W has told me she feels because she feels she brought it on him.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
We don't give our kids enough credit. They may be young, but they can sense when things are not right. They might not have said anything to you, but they notice the many nights that their dad spent away, how he's hiding out in the bedroom and withdrawing from family activities. It doesn't mean that they know anything or everything, but don't rule out that they're not as clueless as we may think.
Your kids see you every day. They see the loving, caring, engaging, fun mom you are. They can see that you're continuing to invest in your M. When the time is right and they are looking for answers, you can explain in the least blaming way you can.
AD I think acknowledging that u were angry is HUGE. I also believe that what is happening to u is part of the process. I think u are making a list of what u want but it is not clear to u yet. I've done the same. With the kids I was saying to let him start and lead and u interject when needed. I don't know if there is a right or Wrong way to tell kids that their parents are divorcing. No one wins in this instance.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Thank you guys, I really appreciate that you took a look at my words and gave me feedback.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
