This morning H said there were signs up in our neighborhood about a meeting tomorrow that has some zoning implications if I wanted to go. I said I would be going to the gym and didn't see much point in going if I wasn't going to be living in the house for much longer.
I know I should have bitten my tongue and just said I had other plans but I'm having a really hard time right now. My goal for this week is to get back to being more breezy and vague with my plans without being negative. 2x4s or thoughts would be appreciated.
It's not what he needs to be happy. He just doesn't know that yet. It's self medicated or whatever. But you're right it's his thing to work out.
It's very typical for a WAS to only see things from their perspective. He probably doesn't realize that he shouldn't have things in your room and doesn't realize it's a big deal. I thinka bout some of the things I asked of my H when we first split and I cringe.
He needs time and space on his own to remember and appreciate you and it will happen. Now whether they act on it is a different thing all together.
bug - you're right. It's a defense mechanism, and a very, very comfortable one. I'd done a better job controlling it before when i was still in flirty girlfriend mode. Now that DB coach has recommended pulling back more I'm having trouble finding the right balance between being breezily detached, not getting too involved, and not being a cool/cold smart@ss. I've made about six notes to myself in different places to be vague and breezy. I went back to my early notes in this process and H's main complaint was that he didn't believe my self-improvements were permanent. I need to make sure they are, for me.
brit - you're right about the perspective part. H definitely doesn't realize a lot of the things he's asking to do are a big deal.
I tried to remind myself of our vows this morning to re-center. We had included a line about when our love is easy and when it is an effort. It's a really f'ing big effort right now, but that's where I need to be. There is nothing more important than working on myself and becoming a better person. It will probably not save my M but it will save me.
Alright. Did a little better today with interactions. H invited me to an event in July with a bunch of other people (really?) but I deferred and said I wasn't sure what my plans were that far out.
He also invited me to dinner this week with his grandfather. Before I could reply, he said "Wait, let me guess, you have plans already, right?"
I actually do have something planned but we kind of had a laugh about it. He opened up more about the trip he took over the weekend. I need to remember to keep up the validating. I actually went back an apologized for something I didn't validate yesterday and did it tonight. He acknowledged it.
I caught up tonight with a friend going through virtually the same experience. Must be something in the water.
I caught my IC up on the situation in the past few weeks. She almost lost it when I told her the sequence of H filing for D and then the next day asking if I wanted to day trip to the beach. Yep.
I think you are amazing. I could not imagine having so much contact with my W and being able to hold it together like you do, especially with the mixed signals.. "let's spend time together", "I filed."
My W has been like that at times, hot and then cold, and I lose it.. I have a tough time not having expectations when she is warm..
she even told me a few weeks ago about "advising" another couple to go to MC to work things out, when she has refused herself. wtf?
I love how you are GALing and admire your strength. ((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Hi NG, thanks for stopping in again and for the kind words. Believe me, having the hot/cold from H has not been easy for me to keep my expectations (of zero) in check. I am still reading Codependent No More and highlighting and bookmarking nearly every page.
I think I'm going to start taking down the display of wedding pictures in our living room and pack them away. I have been starting to box up some things from my closet to get ready for the inevitable move.
I went shopping over the weekend and found some nice stuff for myself but then felt a little guilty and sad that it was just going to be more stuff for me to pack when I have to move. I'm still angry about that.
I checked some listings for sale in our area and I don't think that we will be able to get what we paid for it. I'm going to have to think about how to approach this because I really can't afford to lose the money in the house right now. I guess our next step will be to get realtors' opinions on how much we could list it for and what work needs to be done. I don't know if he's open to retaining ownership and renting it out, but I'm not sure I want to be financially connected to him in that way.
H went shopping and picked up some Magic Erasers. I guess that's all he thinks he needs to do to get the house ready to show.
Hmm, seems like some of my other thoughts didn't make it into that last message.
I am very thankful that I have not experienced some of the difficult situations that others on this board have faced. There is no violence between H and I. As we don't have kids I do not feel that H is using anyone or thing as a pawn. There are no substance use issues. He did not pack up and leave one day never to be seen again. I don't have overt evidence of a PA but I suspect there is at least one EA going on somewhere. I kind of just assume there is so I don't spend a lot of energy thinking about it.
And while I feel it is a positive on some level that we are still living together, as he has said he cannot afford to get an apartment until the house is sold, and this gives me some time to make my 180's permanent and for him to notice and we continue to have some positive but always civil interactions...... I feel like the house is a huge barrier to him being able to turn around, look back, and go, as one of the vets recently said, from Drive to Neutral or Reverse on the D train.
And with all of the work I'm doing on me I don't know that I would be up for negotiating an R with him after a D is final and the house is sold. I don't know. I'm getting ahead of myself, as the house isn't even listed yet nor is it ready to be, nor is there any sign that H would ever return from his abduction from aliens. I don't know how that's going to play out but I will deal with it at that time.
It has been so great to see many reconciliation stories here recently. I've desperately looked through other archived threads trying to find a shred of additional hope by finding a situation that looks like mine. In a way I know it doesn't matter because every situation is unique but it is sometimes comforting.
Just going to keep focusing on me and what I need to do for me for now.
Don't get ahead of yourself. Sometimes we can't fathom how something will happen but we always look back and think if I knew what I know how or look how far I've come.
I do think as difficult as it is for you, he's got blinders on and still thinks he can have an amazing friendship with you, have his Vera fix and also have his own life. He sounds a lot like me actually when I was a WAW. I would hang out H like he was my best friend and then say so when are you moving out? And not know why he was upset.
Anyway, be distant but not cold. Have loads of stuff going on. Start doing spontaneous stuff something that'll shake him up. Start a mini mid life crisis of your own clothes you wouldn't normally wear etc anything to shake him up that's what it took for me!
and a dose of reality to help him realize that things will change...
the house decision is a big one.... we have an investment property and i was not willing to lose money on it... even though it means that we are still connected.. for me, i had to imagine how i would feel about my decision 10 years down the road...
i think it is good to talk to a realtor and give yourself some time to think about your decision instead of feeling rushed...
((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
