In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[vera be fierce]

Adinva - I think you are right that the solution-focused strategies don't account for the internal work that we have to do, but I think that these strategies give us time to do that internal work while showing ourselves (not just our Hs/Ws) that things CAN be different, even if it feels hard at first.

Glad to hear that you have a good IC helping you in that regard.

[Cadet]

He believes he isn't depressed, and he also believes if he were he could not seek treatment or his career would suffer.

SCRIPT

I know very few people that will admit to being depressed.
Or that will DO something about it.
When over 70% of the United States population is depressed I would say the chances are very good that he is depressed.
Might be MASKED depression, that you can not SEE, but you would not be where you are right now if he was not depressed.

I didn't say you could FIX it but you do need to understand it.

[nhmom]

For about the past year H stopped going on our trips and participating when they came over. My mom takes everything personally so she started commenting that he didn't like her (how could I say it's not you mom, it's me). He comes around to eat when they're over but he mostly avoids them.

He is aware that they do not know our sitch. Reconciliation would be a lot more complicated if they knew, since they would likely hold it against him. Also, since my mom's mind gets in a rut sometimes, I would hear about it over and over and over.... I plan to tell them when we've told the kids.

Nobody in my family, except for my sister, know about my sitch either. My mom is a bit like yours, would take everything personal...stress out about it, would not be able to sleep, and I probably wouldn't get to hear the end of it. My mom is a fixer (but certainly not one to look at things objectively). She's the oldest of 5 and has always had to take care of everyone. She's more concerned about making sure everyone else is ok, but doesn't really see the crappy situation she's in herself. Luckily, my parents live very far away and haven't had any face to face contact since last year. I do have to "act as if" every Sunday when I talk to her on the phone when she asks if everything is ok (and she does ask every time).

My issue with this weekend, NH and Say, and thanks for supporting me!, is mainly that I couldn't act more upbeat and like I had a fun life going on. Not hugging them was out of our usual routine, so I was noticeably colder to them and they would have noticed that. I haven't decided yet if I want to 'act as if' with them or if I want to put some distance between us. No, I really want to put some distance, to show them I disapprove and dislike what they're doing.

I think that you continuing to focus on your parents while your H and his friends were there, and not going out of your way and acting too friendly was absolutely fine, even if it's out of your norm. You acknowledged them and were cordial, that's all you need to do. Don't worry about them possibly thinking that you were cold or unfriendly.

H's friend is the king of 'well you can't help how you feel.' And he has slept with wives of his colleagues. And he treats his 24yo gf like a passing plaything - he knows she'll eventually want someone her own age and get married and have kids, but he'll keep her until then. And of course, they are all too welcoming to H when he wants to avoid his family and responsibilities.

It's unfortunate that your H thinks that his friend's beliefs and actions are acceptable, but it makes a lot of sense why he's seeking "refuge" at his place. He's looking for someone who "understands". I think remaining cordial with friends, but keeping them at a distance is not a bad thing to do. I think you did great by declining some of your H or his friend's invitations for things that you were not comfortable with.

[ces67]

Just chiming in to agree with you & Verab. I had a counselor (who was the source of me finding DB) say that this approach does help create more calm in chaos but we will still have emotional pains that will need to be dealt with for healing. As within anything, its an opinion but it make sense to me.

Ad, I'm with you on the family stuff as well. My family knows things aren't good but I've refused to give details except my own issues. I've talked with my brother more than anyone and have had to stop that as well because of the damage it was doing on his view of my W.

You are digging in on you. That's great and what you can control. Nothing bad about the struggle you had with your H's friends. Its human and you're acknowledging it and working through it. Makes sense to me.

[adinva]

Thanks NHMom, I appreciate your insight. I didn't realize you were also keeping this quiet from your family. That's hard, isn't it? My sisters both know and they've been a lot of help. But there is guilt for me in keeping a secret from my P's.

[labug]

But maybe there is internal work that must be done to make it not just easy but POSSIBLE to do this thing that seems hard to us. I have a good counselor who is helping me work through the things that hold me back, and that combined with solution-based efforts is what I believe is necessary for me.

I think it's like most treatments for illness. If someone is really sick with a systemic infection, we might give tylenol to treat the pesky symptoms of the infection but without the right IV antibiotics, the patient will die.

You have to eradicate the cause.

I tried other therapies for awhile and failed miserably because I didn't understand why I reacted as I did and had not worked to eradicate the coping mechanisms that no longer served me well.

I always ended up back in the same place. It wasn't until I really allowed myself to go to that painful place that I needed those coping mechanisms for that I understood that I could let go of those things.

[labug]

I wish I had expressed that better.

[WifeofPa]

Adinva,

For me, I made the conscious decision to keep it from my family and so the only ones who know about H's A are two very close friends who I know will walk through coal for me and H's parents. I told them because they were so worried about his leaving so suddenly and because after much thought, I realized that there are only three people in the world who can forgive H for what he's doing: me and his folks so I keep the circle really tight. As for my family, they don't know, they only know H was depressed and needed some space. My folks would worry too much and they're elderly and my siblings would probably go and confront him which is not what I want.

WofP

[adinva]

It's so great to have this message board where people really understand!

[adinva]

Looks like the D train continues on.

Tonight while eating a stir fry I made, H asked me what was the name of the lawyer I knew who was a financial planner. I told him it was a mediator and I just googled mediator and financial planner and didn't have any special affinity for this one.

In fact, I told him I had talked to that one last year because I thought he had such financial pressures regarding the house that if we talked to the financial planner we could figure out how to manage better and call the D off. I told H that back then I spent time on the phone with them and they said they don't really do that, they basically process divorcing couples. They said everyone who comes through gets divorced. So, I said, I don't care if we go to that mediator or another because I will find any of them equally objectionable, since I think what he's doing is wrong.

I managed to say all that calmly, but I felt shaken and sad when I got in the car right after that to go get dog food and more dinner for S14.

Just because I can face this doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, and sometimes it'll make me cry.

Then my mind was going kind of crazy with envisioning telling the kids and imagining them crying and me crying, and I remembered what 25 says, don't borrow trouble from the future. I told myself, I'm strong, I will get through and face that when it happens and not worry about it right now.

I still really don't want this, and I really don't think he's given our family a fair chance, and I don't support what he's doing. So I struggle in my mind with role playing various scenarios where we tell the kids, and each time I think I'll say something completely different. I think H will say "Your mother and I have decided" and I'll interrupt "No, you decided." OK scratch that.

Or, the kids will ask why and I'll say "I don't know but I tried everything I could," implying that their dad did not. OK scratch that.

Sometimes I have bitter words for him intended to be scathing and leave him sorry.

Sometimes I meet his new woman and laugh and say, "of course it's ok for you to have him. Please, be my guest. He's your problem now. No, scratch that.

I'm so all over the map that I realize I don't have a single way that I feel about this, and I don't have a single way to describe or explain it when the time comes for my kids. I think it's flat out wrong, cowardly, dishonorable. I think he's depressed, not thinking right, making a bad decision. I think it's pointless, unwarranted, undeserved. Do you think I'll ever get to a place where I can calmly tell my kids "Your father and I decided...and no matter what we both will always love you"?

I don't know how to get there because I want to be on record against this. I want them to know I fought for them, I want them to know I don't think it's ok. And then again, I don't want them to know that either because I don't want to hurt them more, with hatred or bad feelings for their dad.

How do I both protect my kids and resist what my H is set on doing? I know I can't stop or control him, but I don't want to make it easy for him and I don't agree that he can't help himself.