NLW- echoing ...do they really think we are that stupid???? I remember my H texting OW in front of me and just smiling and looking smug. Anyway...
Re: the concert. Last year our good friend's daughter was graduating from high school and we attended it. He sat the whole time texting looking miserable. I presume she was giving him grief for not being with her. Good. Let her torment him. Let him see the grass is not greener and that the place he is choosing to be in right now is a bubble waiting to pop.
Thinking of you.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
What I found was that H had emptied the kids' accounts, and has taken substantial cash advances from my credit card account over the last few months.
I presume this is fraud/theft.
When I asked him about it he said he didn't know, but if I emailed him the details, he'd look into it. That was 2 nights ago and still no response.
........................................
And what about the obvious evidence of his theft of money from my account, from our family trust, and from his children? How does he think this will look in court?
So very strange....
NLW,
I am sorry I haven't checked in with you in awhile. We've been busy getting ready for camps and other summer activities at our home.
I have been catching up on your sitch, and I am just appalled that in addition to taking money from you, your husband is also taking money from your kids' accounts. I am so very sorry.
If I were in your shoes, I'd set a hard and fast boundary regarding finances asap. He is threatening you with getting a court date to settle finances? I'd have told him, "THANK YOU." And then I would go about getting the court date myself, because I seriously doubt he's going to follow through.
I know you may feel like officially separating finances is another nail in the coffin, but remember...just because you have separated finances doesn't mean you won't get back together. All it means is that you are protecting yourself and your children for now.
If you do not trust your husband to make sound decisions regarding your personal money, your shared money and the kids' money, take that power away from him.
Stay strong, NLW! You're a smart and awesome woman and mom. I am confident you will make the right decisions for your family.
ncl, I'm hoping the accumulating evidence about his financial fraudulence will make his claims against my assets null and void. The amounts that I stand to gain when his claims are thrown out are major in relation to the amounts he's filching at the moment.
Busting - the "bubble waiting to pop" metaphor is so accurate!
Last night we got another big strain on the surface tension of our existence.
H is about to leave for a holiday weekend interstate (with the home wrecker, I presume).
I've asked him to help out with money before he leaves - as S13 is going to camp before H returns and needs serious cold-weather gear. My cheque account and credit cards have been run down so far that I no longer have money for food and petrol. My next pay cheque is a week away.
We also have several major bills that are overdue for rates and credit cards.
So BIG pressure on H to come up with some money to keep his family going. But it seems there is none.
He came over last night to help the kids with homework - and even let me drive his car (it was blocking mine in the drive way) to the shop to get food for dinner (and gave me $100 cash when I said I was broke). This was a small miracle in terms of what he's allowed me to do previously.
Then he left, all very amicable.
I went to put my car in the garage and noticed that the engine was making a loud banging noise.
I called H to ask if he could take the kids to school in the morning as the car was undrivable. He went ballistic again.
Told me it was my fault I had no car. That I should have bought myself a new one by now (with what, I asked?) , and that he would not be driving the kids around unless they lived with him (he SAYS he lives in a rented room at a single man's house). He said I should drive it to the workshop to get it fixed. I pointed out that I had no money to do that.
Then I said "Thank you H, Bye", and hung up.
I called MIL and asked her help in getting the kids to school tomorrow.
About 5 mins later there was a loud knocking on the door and H burst in and shoved the keys of our other car (the luxury car he has commandeered for himself) at me. Told me he would take 'my' car, and that we were now another $10,000 down the drain and that it was all my fault for driving the car into the ground. He said he was SO ANGRY.
Then he roared off at a 100mph down the driveway (with the car making a terrible noise).
This morning, I realised I'd left my work car-park permit in the car he'd taken, so texted him to ask if I could come over and pick it up. He responded with some half-assed story about it already being in the workshop (at 7am!) and that he'd bring the permit over to me.
Seems he just can't bring himself to admit to us that he's living with the home- wrecker these days and not with his 'mate'.
Another 'why' question that I need to get out of my system: Why can't he tell me that he's living with her? If he doesn't want to be married to me any more, why the need to keep it such a big secret?
His bubble just has to burst soon, I think. A little worried about what he will do when it does - he really seems to have no way out of this disaster.
I agree-- don't get in his way. Let him do this all by himself. This is his path he chose to walk. And no reason to ask why- because even if you did he probably wouldn't be able to answer it himself right now.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I know most of you have already gone through this - and I know it's part of the script, but it still hurts to have it confirmed.
I got a text from H today saying that he'd just seen my best friend and her husband in the city that he travelled to this long weekend "for business".
I texted my friend and she regretfully spilled the beans - H was there with OW (from my friend's description of the woman he was with) and they were shopping up a storm.
H left me here with no money for food and petrol - I had to go to his parents and ask for some cash to get by.
Can't understand why he would text me to announce that he'd seen my friend. I suspect he wants me to know but can't face being the one to tell me.
Not sure what to do next either.
Two possibilities i suppose: Continue on the current path of keeping the road home paved and smooth and living my changes.
Drawing a clear boundary: No contact now. If he has chosen OW so be it. That means nothing more to do with me. But how do S13 and D16 fit into this equation? I'd like to say no contact with them either - i.e. leave us all alone if this is what you've decided to do.
I think the latter would pretty much be just my anger coming thru - i.e. get out you lowlife scum bag; go be with your whore.
I think of people like AliSuddenly, ncl, and so many others who have had to put up with the same thing... and who have reconciled.
I'll go back to read DR AGAIN, and try to remind myself not to worry about OW... but how I HATE her. She knowingly preyed on him when he was so down about being a failure and suffering from depression and mood swings. And she was a friend. I can't wish them happiness; only terrible things....
Do your best not to get too emotional and come up with a game plan. I always feel better when I have a program.
My suggestions: 1. Go as dark as possible and put him on a schedule with the kids. Every other weekend and school night a week. 2. Eliminate him from your life financially. Speak to a lawyer, accountant who ever and sever your financial ties ASAP.
I know it is awful the thought of this OW but I really believe they need to fulfill this fantasy, not all sexual in order to get to the other side.
Please hang in there.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I have complete empathy with you re: OW. She at one time was my friend ( I helped her through break ups, held a surprise bday party for her...) anyway, I have not considered her a friend for years and in fact became quite weary and suspicious of her interactions with my H even before the EA/PA began.
Anyway- what I want to say NC has definitely helped me gain perspective, control and self esteem after over a tear of constant rejection, belittling and being lied to.
With the kids it has been tricky. Like you I wanted full cut off..but that is just anger reacting and really not fair to the kids.
So instead I have been trying to just stop facilitating his relationship with the children. Parent conferences at school, he is on the same mailing list as me with the appointment time, no need to follow up. School recital? Again he gets the same information as me regarding time and place..no need for me to do anything.
He wants to show up its his choice. He wants to call? itshis choice. My kids want to speak to him? No problem. He wants to speak to them. Fine. Just text me the time so i can make sure they are available.
My DB coach suggested that I can send an email every now and then, if relevant, with something significant or cute that has happened to them with a short message like ' look how cute!' or something like that.
I have done it three times in the past month. With no expectations. And it has been fine. In fact the last time my son spoke to H son said 'daddy I got a certificate at the end of the school year' and H was able to respond with knowledge because I sent him a picture of that. It made my son happy, to know his daddy saw his accomplishment so it was worth it.
I think the key is NO EXPECTATIONS.
Remember, the H should not have the honour of having any part of you, while he is giving himself to another.
Thinking of you
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I too believe they have to fulfil this fantasy to get to the otherside. Or else they will always wonder.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
please, please protect yourself and your kids financially. having financial security will make it easier for you to detach. you will have less pain and fear that way.
((()))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
