And my thoughts turned to, if we divorce now, he won't even know the woman he is divorcing, because I didn't know the person I've become could even exist.
Got to agree with SIAS. I didn't see anything in your story that sounded bad or anything to not be proud of. You were polite and cordial. I don't think you needed to be anything but that.
I can understand why you feel betrayed. But you don't know what they are saying to your H. For that matter, you don't know what he's saying to them either. So I think you handled it correctly. Be cordial. Be nice. Leave it at that until/unless you find out otherwise.
I actually think you are doing great. You know you have some areas to work on, and you're brutally honest about them. That takes courage. Something not everyone has (including myself). You should be very proud of the work you've done to get to know the woman you've become.
i think what you described is totally appropriate. not everyone i run into gets a hug and i don't always want a hug.
what you said about them, though, brought something home to me. i've been feeling betrayed by H's family. he's living at his mother's house. i don't know what they are saying to him and i don't know what H has said to them (i suspect some fairly vile things, though, because he REALLY felt sorry for himself in the beginning).
all i know is their actions have hurt my feelings. i don't know how i'll react to them when, or if, i see them again. but, your words have given me some compassion for them today. they are helping H, plain and simple. maybe they want us to be together, maybe not. i will try to look at what they are doing is helping him instead of betraying me. after all, they can't turn him down when he wants to stay or wants to talk.
also, from experience, i know it's so much better for the kids when all the steps get along. actually, i began to really like my ex's wife and we became best friends. there was no betrayal involved so maybe it was easier. the kids deserve to have peace between the families. none of this was their doing and we have to set an example for adult behavior, even if it's only us.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Just wanted to say that I don't see anything wrong with how you acted this past weekend. You were friendly and cordial, that is the most you can do at this point.
Did your H have a good relationship with your parents before? Does he try to avoid them now?
My H was never overly fond of my parents. He has had a running joke about how poorly we communicate (anyone heard of The Road to Abilene?) and calls it The ____(my maiden name) Communication Method. It's where everyone goes out of their way to do what they assume others want and don't tell anyone what they actually want, so nothing gets decided and no one gets what they want. We're getting a lot better; it forces you to be the one assertive person. But anyway, they initially didn't think he was good for me because at four years they thought he should fish or cut bait. They also didn't like that our children would be biracial and suffer ostracism, but they come from very old sheltered New England families and I had big arguments with them over this stuff. My aunt, who was very eccentric and negative, used to write me letters with snide comments about his ancestral country of origin since our countries were enemies when she was growing up.
This is all ancient history and my aunt has passed and my parents accepted and like him and we see them about once every week or two.
For about the past year H stopped going on our trips and participating when they came over. My mom takes everything personally so she started commenting that he didn't like her (how could I say it's not you mom, it's me). He comes around to eat when they're over but he mostly avoids them.
He is aware that they do not know our sitch. Reconciliation would be a lot more complicated if they knew, since they would likely hold it against him. Also, since my mom's mind gets in a rut sometimes, I would hear about it over and over and over.... I plan to tell them when we've told the kids.
My issue with this weekend, NH and Say, and thanks for supporting me!, is mainly that I couldn't act more upbeat and like I had a fun life going on. Not hugging them was out of our usual routine, so I was noticeably colder to them and they would have noticed that. I haven't decided yet if I want to 'act as if' with them or if I want to put some distance between us. No, I really want to put some distance, to show them I disapprove and dislike what they're doing.
H's friend is the king of 'well you can't help how you feel.' And he has slept with wives of his colleagues. And he treats his 24yo gf like a passing plaything - he knows she'll eventually want someone her own age and get married and have kids, but he'll keep her until then. And of course, they are all too welcoming to H when he wants to avoid his family and responsibilities.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
For about the past year H stopped going on our trips and participating when they came over. My mom takes everything personally so she started commenting that he didn't like her (how could I say it's not you mom, it's me). He comes around to eat when they're over but he mostly avoids them.
My W avoids my family like the plague at the moment & has done for about the past 4 months. What I tell myself is that it is their issue & I tell my parents and family that it is nothing they have done. Hopefully they'll wake up Adinva - because family is family & when things are tough everyone needs each other.
No matter what anyone says about you or your sitch on here Ad, noone can question your commitment to DB. You've invested a lot in your H (put up with his behaviour) and your family, and deserve to be happy.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
My mom takes everything personally so she started commenting that he didn't like her (how could I say it's not you mom, it's me).
STRONGLY DISAGREE
It is not YOU it is HIM. He is depressed and the feelings are not inside of him. He does not have LOVE for anyone right now. The depression is clouding his view of the world. He is trying to run away from it and figure out what will make him feel better. That of course includes YOU and anything associated with YOU. No matter what you might have done it would not have changed his depression.
As far as your MOM goes, yes it was better left unsaid. However the poor communication continues between you and your parents. Kind of helps with his justifications, typical I guess. Well they know us better than anyone else and use that against us, to somehow make us think it is our fault.
It is not going to bring him out of his depression one way or the other.
Cadet, thanks, that perspective makes me feel better. I'm used to taking all the blame for everything as if I can control everything. I will try to break that habit and just own what's mine. If he was depressed, I reacted badly and exacerbated the situation, failed to understand and shamed him. He believes he isn't depressed, and he also believes if he were he could not seek treatment or his career would suffer. Damn the career, that it would rise above his family in his priorities.
The boundaries I've learned with H have helped with my siblings and P's actually. It's not my responsibility to look out for everyone else, it's just my responsibility to make my own feelings clear. Helps so much with road trips - I can let them go back and forth for a while but at the point I need a decision I make it and let them do something different if they need to.
We would have a more real and complete relationship if I shared with them all the pain and anguish and not-knowing of this past year. But that is not the relationship we have. My experience with them tells me to find other supporters and let them deal with done deals, not raw emotions. That's not the area they do well in. My mom absorbs all the stress, makes it about her, and doesn't sleep or gets other health issues. I've seen it happen through my sisters' relationship issues. In my family I'm the one who has it all together and isn't so needy. But it's for my own protection - if I don't need them they can't let me down.
Part of what this life stage is teaching me is that that worked for me when I was a kid but it's hurting me in my relationships now. On Mother's Day I looked my mom in the eyes and said I love you. It's the first time I've ever done that.
Baby steps...
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
This makes me think of an issue I have with the solution based focus of DB. I shouldn't have to delve into why I am the way I am and what my emotional shortcomings are, I should just do x and see what happens. When x is: being friendly to new people, saying I love you to someone who might not respond back, reaching out and giving my H a hug that he might rebuff. These are things that are hard for me. I lose patience when people here say this is hard or that is hard, and I want to say, stop whining, just do it!
But maybe there is internal work that must be done to make it not just easy but POSSIBLE to do this thing that seems hard to us. I have a good counselor who is helping me work through the things that hold me back, and that combined with solution-based efforts is what I believe is necessary for me.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
