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#2247943 - 05/23/12 07:12 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: AJM]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1715
Thanks AJM for your thoughts. Def. something to think about.
_________________________
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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2249121 - 05/28/12 12:36 AM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: BklynMom]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Hey BK! How are things going in your neck of the woods? Hope you are doing well.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2249179 - 05/28/12 11:17 AM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: BklynMom]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: BklynMom
Today was a great day. D3 had an appointment with a cardiologist b/c her dr. heard a heart murmur. Turns out her heart is perfect, no murmur even.




Yeahhhhhhhh!! smile smile
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2249498 - 05/29/12 03:51 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: sayitaintso]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1715
Girls and I had a idyllic weekend in upstate ny. I come home today and get a logistic email from him and I am thrown completely out of whack. My heart sinks and the saddness overwhelms. He is deranged. He is ripping apart our family and our lives I hate him. Why can't he wake up and see me standing here and being loving to him and our girls?
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2249507 - 05/29/12 04:20 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: BklynMom]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1073
Loc: Hawaii
Did you read "The Solo Partner" by Phil Deluca yet?

It talks about how we react to our spouse (and other people, too). You have a response to just reading his emails. Recognize that the communication with him is causing it. Do something to calm down, deep breath, walk, what it takes. Recognize it each time it happens and you will be able to deal with it better. Try to take control of it.

Don't let your reptile brain be in charge. If you read the book you will understand!

I am sending you a warm Hawaiin breeze, scented with night blooming jasmine. Hope it gives you a little lift and calm!

Aloha,

Wendy
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2249524 - 05/29/12 05:02 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: WenikiTiki]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
Don't allow him to control how you feel. It's just an email. I know, though, how hard it is, but you need to think of your children. Take the higher road, and not react negatively to anything coming from him. And, wait 24 hours before responding to any communication from your H. Gives you time to calm down.
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#2249592 - 05/29/12 08:25 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: WenikiTiki]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/08/11
Posts: 1276
Hey Wendy,

I'm hijacking some of that Hawaiian breeze.

Made me feel so good- I can smell and feel it, and will take it with me for use whenever I need it from now on.

That was such a lovely thing to do.

You are special!
NLW

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#2249619 - 05/29/12 10:38 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: NLW]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1715
Wendy the Hawaiian breeze felt awesome, it is sticky and yucky tonight in Brooklyn.

I have not read the Solo Partner. I will look for it tomorrow in the book store. The book has been on my list for a while.

It took me about a 1/2 hr to recover from his email. Venting here helped me get over it. His email was non offensive, I am just so sad dealing with him on this friendly neighbors type level especially when its regarding handing off my kids.

Beingthere - so nice to read you calm and reassuring words. They help so much Its funny my H has always claimed that he was such a great guy but passive aggresively he is controlling. I was always supposed to guess how he wanted me to behave.
Unfortunately I sometimes cant wait 24hrs before I reply to email since they are regarding logistics over the next 24hrs but I always wait at least 4 hrs before replying. I always check with a Al-anon person before I hit send.

Had another wonderful afternoon and evening with my girls. I am grateful for what I have.

Side note: Has there been a discussion about Mary Kennedys death any where on the boards? I would love to listen to what other people think. I was deeply saddened by her suicide. I wish she had found us on these boards it may have help ease her pain more than the meds and alcohol. Her suicide also makes me proud of how strong I am being right now. (Is that weird??) I am taking the high road and doing my best to not suffer.
_________________________
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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2249625 - 05/29/12 10:56 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: BklynMom]
wishing, hoping Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 2743
Loc: Wisconsin
Originally Posted By: BklynMom
Girls and I had a idyllic weekend in upstate ny. I come home today and get a logistic email from him and I am thrown completely out of whack. My heart sinks and the saddness overwhelms. He is deranged. He is ripping apart our family and our lives I hate him. Why can't he wake up and see me standing here and being loving to him and our girls?


BK I am with ya. Had a wonderful and relaxing weekend with the kids come home and all heck breaks loose. H is cranky, money is short and he is being angry and pushy. I am so tired of his attitude. I act as if and happy go lucky and it makes him angrier. I hate my H too. My H is deranged as well. I am searching for that Hawaiian Breeze as well as he wants to talk after D goes to bed. I am sure he wants to push me into a decision about the house. Serenity now!!!0
_________________________
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
"No matter where you go, there you are"

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#2250854 - 06/03/12 11:53 AM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: wishing, hoping]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1715
The kids are with H this weekend. I usually have a hard time on these weekends alone. I can stay busy but its never busy enough from missing my girls. For some reason this weekend has been easier. Even though my H called this morning so my D2 could say she missed her mommy and wanted her mommy - still its been easier for me not to wallow in self pity.

I have felt grateful for everything I have and have not focused on what I dont have.

I have been inspired by LITB posts about stopping his D

I was struggling with my Al-anon program for a little while because I felt that it was preparing me for D and advocating D. This week I talked about my internal struggle with that at my meetings and it has really helped me.

I am feeling good and looking forward to my girls coming home tomorrow.

Be well. Believe!
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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