for me to believe my W has changed there are a few things she would have to do.
1. ask me what i think and actually listen
2. when i make a decision, dont argue because it is not what she thinks
3. stop treating me like a 2nd class citizen.
4. believe me, not everyone else
5. stop the running away when life gets tough.
6. talk without attacking
7. stop flirting with other men or being "nice".
8. do something i want to do without complaining.
9. trust my judgement. i really am not a moron.
10. show me that she loves me and believes in me. tell me that i matter to her.
Dakota, I think our dynamics are a lot alike! I put in bold things that he's either said directly or in a round about way.
Even a week or so ago he complimented me and said "I'm sure you don't need to hear it from me" These are all things that yes I need to show him, but right now I think it might be classed as smothering.
Tuesday when I told him that I know now I didn't listen to him and gave him an example that's when he started crying and asked why I was doing this? Because I think it's too much to talk about our problems, or our M right now. He's not there.
The decision thing is definitely my new goal in dealing with him. I was just saying he doesn't share his life with me and why should he all I ever do is offer advice instead of just saying good for you or that's great or whatever.
Dakota A book which was highly influential for me was written by a guy named Athol Kay, he has been a lot of my inspiration for taking charge of my marriage and for demanding the respect I deserve.
Because in order to get respect you must act like the type of man that deserves it.
so you know how I'd noticed in me that I get one positive reaction and then I sabotage or smother. I now feel more out of control and uncertain than I did this morning, because we were in NC. And now I've heard from him.
I will concentrate on the positives which is that I handled that interaction well. I didn't bring up feelings/emotions/Relationships. I am not pursuing. He broke the NC to find out about me rather than a housekeeping issue. ERGH but that just brings up expectations so I'll leave that one OUT of the positives.
smothering is bad. when he does initiate contact, do what you are doing. concentrate on him. men ove to have female attention, and he will prefer yours. it might not seem like it, but if he cried when you told him that, he still loves you. he is scared to show weakness. in a way, him doing this is standing up to you. showing you what he has needed. he needss to see you be there for him. trust his judgement. i cant speak for him, but what you have wrote about what he says tells me things. this woman is a band aid. he is showing you exactly what he needs. he thinks you are better than her. he is scared of you. nice guys dot like being afraid. makes us feel less than. dont feel bad if you contact him occassionally. stay dim but not dark. ask him about him once in awhile. when you see him, give him the attention he deserves. if you respect him, he will notice. and stay consistent. this is just my opinion. i am by no means an expert. these are just things i would love to have happen to me.
Dakota thank you so much for the advice. I think you do "get" him. Will he work on his own issues? Will he forgive me for stuff that happened? That's all out of my control. I will do as you say, ask after him, really listen to what he's saying, and above all keep my mouth shut (no advice) and stay consistent.
Thank you...wow....new thread needed in just a weeks time haha
