It turned out to be a difficult night. They wanted to walk to the store nearby for snacks and wound up at a girl's house instead. They were 20 minutes later than the time I told them to be walking in the front door, so I was headed out in my van to find them when they arrived home. They were goofing around at 1:30 when one of them had a big soccer game in the morning and said he'd be asleep by 12:30. At 4:30 S12 came into my room and woke me to tell me a bunch of them were in his room and told him they peed on him, and he had a big wet spot on his shirt and pants. I went down to talk to S14 and there was just one kid down there and he didn't know where the others were. Great. After checking and locking all the outside doors, I heard them giggling in the work area of the basement and went back down. There ensued discussion, explanations, denials, showers.
H rolled in and back out around 9, but right before he left he heard from S12, and went down and screamed at the boys to wake up and tell him what happened. "Nothing. We didn't do anything" they said. So, H told me no more sleepovers for S14 until he tells exactly what happened. S12 has a track record of peeing at night so their story has some validity, but their being in his room at all was obviously wrong and if they weren't there they wouldn't be in any trouble.
I suspect S14 will stick by his story since almost anything else he might say will make things worse for him. I think they were pranking one of the other 14yos (the one who was supposed to be asleep for soccer) and decided to prank S12 too. Maybe they poured water from a bottle on him. We don't know.
Nice way to start the summer off. Also I'm very tired today and grumpy. Will need to get some catchup sleep.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Oh Advina, This does sound like one heck of a night.
But pretty par for the course, in my experience. I have a D16, and when the girls get together at night things can go pretty silly (throw in some boys and you can bet things will go really pear-shaped).
I, too, get tired and grumpy with my kids a lot of the time. It really is something I struggle with, as I'm pretty fragile these days.
Not having an H around to step in and help in these sorts of situations is so hard.
I used to try to get him to DO something - or, at least, I'd tell him about what went on in specific situations.
But after some advice on these boards, I took the view that he really wasn't in the right frame of mind to be able to contribute sensibly at all. So now I just keep my own counsel and deal with things with the kids as I see fit. Easier for me as my H is not still living at home.
Thanks NLW, it always helps when someone understands you!
In our M my H and I had polarized to the point where he was much harsher than he needed to be and I was trying to counteract that by being much more nurturing. We've reset that quite a bit this past year by me not jumping so quickly to react to what H does. I even sometimes compliment the way he handled something or even just try to appreciate that he handled it in his way. However we did it, I think we're off the see-saw.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
First, I told a friend from my neighborhood about my sitch. I invited her to walk with me to get a cup of coffee, and in the course of conversation I mentioned that we were probably getting a divorce - I explained where we were at and how I was trying to do what I could to make things better. She's the first neighbor I've told at all, and the first new person I've told in a very long time.
She surprised me by saying she was in a similar boat. Her h has threatened to get an apartment many times over the years. He is a pain in the neck and I'd hate to be married to him, but my friend was very grounded and spoke of boundaries and not letting his spew get to her. Since her H is very passive, he hasn't taken any steps toward D yet. So she really understood my sitch and the way I was approaching it. I was able to handle my emotions throughout, and was glad I could share this with a friend and not get overwhelmed by my feelings.
Also, I opted out of a family activity. H told me he was taking S14 over to his friend's house to watch lacrosse on the big tv since the friend's S15 is in town. Ordinarily we'd all go hang out there, so I asked if h meant that S12 and I were not invited. H said we could all go. I recalled how uncomfortable I was last time, with the friend and his 24 yo gf in her Hello Kitty socks cuddled up in one chair (the friend has a movie theater style room with 6 reclining chairs), H in his own, and me trying to force S12 to let me share his since it was that or the floor. I felt unwelcome, unwanted, and really awkward because in the past H would have shared a chair with me, or S12 would have wanted to cuddle with me. I just realized I didn't want to go, and I had other things I'd rather do, so I told H I'd stay home. I was glad - especially now that the friend and his gf are providing a comfortable landing place for H to avoid coming home overnight, I don't really feel like socializing with them as if everything is fine.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
So, H left a while ago to have dinner at the friend's house and told me he'd be staying the night. I just said "oh" - a little surprised, and then, "ok, see ya." I kind of thought on a holiday weekend maybe we'd try to do something fun and here he was going to spend it with his friend and his friend's girlfriend and kid. I followed up by saying "we might do something fun tonight. If we go anywhere I'll text you."
So I wracked my brain to think of something fun. Since the kids are scattered and I have weeding I thought I could fit a cookout in. Got some brats and Bubba burgers and cooked them on the grill. It was my first attempt at Bubba burgers, and I don't eat burgers or cook them, so unfortunately S14's wasn't cooked enough and he didn't like it. But I liked my brat so cookout = success. H texted me to invite us over for a movie. I confirmed with S14 that he didn't really want to go, and texted back to H thanks but we'll stay home.
I had a mini lightbulb moment at the grocery store. I was feeling a bit upset that H is replacing us with his friend's home and family, and kind of had a sad look on my face. I realized it is what it is, and I needed to really be OK with myself. Not just acting ok in front of h and the kids. What would make me feel happy about tonight knowing that H isn't there and isn't going to be part of it. So I got into choosing a whole bunch of fruit and chips to go with the meal, and s'mores, and thought about some other people I could invite over. I didn't end up inviting anyone because I really need to get the yardwork done, but it was a step in the right direction to consider it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Your posts are in moderation now so the best thing you can do is post frequently in other people's threads and your own. Have you started a thread with your story yet?
People will want to know how long you were together, if you have kids how old they are, and what has happened so far.
If you're struggling with pain and confusion, get your power back now by focusing on you. You're a great and valuable person. You're going to be better than ever. The future beyond all this is looking great for you. Thanks for visiting my thread.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yes labug, we do have positive interactions. For example, with the new pup, we've been struggling with the issues he brings, and I can see h's frustration when he starts calling him "your dog". But we are discussing, and talking about solutions, and I've supported some of his less conventional methods, and this week he got the crate out and I applauded his good thinking and how well it's been working so far. All the while we share laughs about how silly he is as we're talking about his poop and he's laying there on his back looking all goofy. Hard to explain, but working together and laughing is good.
Positive interactions like connecting and sharing something not external (kids/dog) are not really happening as he is very actively avoiding me, or actively running toward something else. He's not home much, just arriving and departing mostly.
He shared a comment about his bikeride yesterday. He had come in from an overnight out, got his bike, and left until mid-afternoon, and I had not asked with whom or where or anything. So he shared the following: "Wow, michelleR always complains that she can't lose weight, but after we rode 60 miles together she got a DairyQueen blizzard." huh. I responded "Gee, those have a lot of calories." Couple of things. One is I'm pissed that he leaves us to go on 60 mile rides with someone from his office. A long time ago he kept talking about this Michelle and invited me on a bikeride with her. I was a little suspicious back then and when I met her I was relieved because she is rather heavy, middle aged, not especially attractive - and h has always been quite overtly biased against heavy people, and made it clear to me that if I weren't fit he would not love me as much (nother story, we've been over that before in previous threads) - the point is she was not someone I viewed as a threat. But she is an example of the lost kitten types he seems to collect. She wants to get into shape so he'll bend over backwards and give away family time to meet her for hours. I was surprised to hear this was who he met this weekend, but I didn't express surprise and I'm not dwelling on it. We've all known it's possible he has an OW and I remain convinced that what I do wouldn't be different either way so I'm not beating myself up with the idea.
Second thought about it is he chose to share something negative. It is his way - I think he will say something potentially impressive about someone (60-mile ride) but qualify it by cutting something about it down (ice cream). When we hiked after bomb date the week our kids were at camp, he talked about his friend and a girl climbing some famous mountain, and cut it down by saying it was just a touristy thing, that the guides do almost all the work, no big deal. Many example of this. I think he feels less inadequate if he can show these admirable things others do are no good for x or y reason. I'm sorry to see that he seems so un-valuable himself to need to do that.
Done mind reading him, just wanted to journal out these two thoughts. I'm off to figure out how to have fun today on the holiday.
Bug, a lot is painful, and I don't think I'm so steeled as much as confident that I'll be able to deal. I can take it and roll with it. I'll be ok but I'll hurt some in the meantime and that is OK. If it didn't hurt I wouldn't be human or as emotional and intensely feeling as I am, and I wouldn't choose that.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
AD- Your 180's & GAL are great. I'm glad you turned down the invitation from H. I remember wanting to do anything and everything I could w/ my w even if it was uncomfortable and not in my best interest. I will not do that anymore.
Sorry about the sleep-over fiasco. I have 3 boys and I know too well what kind of shenanigans can happen.
