thanks brit and ng, what i'm also noticing how i changing my feelings towards him. at first, i told him i loved him, "warts and all" since no one is perfect.
what i'm noticing it that the warts are GROWING! the little warts of: selfishness in our path for the future
double standard with regard to our feelings for the other's family members
controling behavior with respect to getting his way
false pride and inability to apologize or be wrong
lack of gratitude for all i've done for not only him, but his kids and family
stubbornness when it comes to making up after disagreements
stinginess unless it's something he really wants
impatience with others because he feels superior
etc., etc., etc.
the "warts" are becoming walnuts! as time goes on, i'm afraid i'll look at him and he'll be covered with watermelons...!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
HA warts to walnuts to watermelons to what next? whales?!
Unexpectedly I had some friends call that they were having lunch near me did I want to drop in for a drink. It was great. But we started talking about how some people have the mindset that they'd rather complain than do something about a situation and I said oh I used to tell H that all the time....It used to drive me crazy! I had completely forgot that he used to do that. So chalk up another walnut on the tree!
When I think of our walnuts some are personality traits that we have to learn with, some are born out of poor communication that you'd have to work on, and some are things that would definitely need to change. And when they think of us they're probably thinking the same thing.
i think we also tend to ignore the small warts in the beginning, thinking they won't matter that much or that we'll be able to "fix" them.
i'm sure i look like a load of walnuts to him, too. it's funny, though, that in the beginning we love their walnuts because they are sometimes a part of us we feel is missing or better.
then, after a time, we all seem to develope a nut allergy...!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
just posted this on another forum where i was asking if those divorced look back and wish they had divorced sooner. i was asked if i would be able to say i had tried everything:
but what is "everything"? that could be so, so much. no, i haven't tried everything, yet, but i can't see myself actually doing that. i would expect some returned efforts from him before i would try more.
i just see so many of us, me included, grabbing onto these crummy, little parcels of hope the WAS doles out our way; a certain look we see as hopeful, a word that could me he still cares, an action that could mean he's thinking of coming back. it's all so tragic and pitiful. it's as if we have no self respect anymore and we're not good enough unless this loser (and they're not that great or the marriage would have been better) wants to be with us.
i don't know. maybe, especially after being left alone for another holiday weekend, i'm sick of the game playing. besides making ourselves better (which i'm doing) that's all the rest of it is: game playing, trying to outfox them. that's why it's not recommended that we let them see the DB and DR books. those are our play books and they are the opposing team... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
any thoughts?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
My thoughts, I don't see it as playing a game but I think some do get to the, if I do A and B and then if does X I'll do C but if he does Y then I'll do D version. I don't think that's what MWD had in mind.
My understanding of this is I work on the parts of me that made me unhappy and also had a role in the demise of my marriage. If H decides he wants to try again, then he will, if he doesn't he doesn't.
I cannot control the outcome of this for anyone other than myself. I can't look to others for my happiness.
And yes I do slip and slide and get twisted around the axle every now and then. That usually means I've been trying to control something.
So I untwist myself and start again.
At the end of this journey I will be a better, happier person.
How do I know that?
Because I already am.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
There are times when I ask myself if I have tried everything... and I'm sure the answer is no... because some times I'm not quite sure what everything is....
.. so instead of saying everything... I ask myself "Did I honor my vows to her?".
For sickness and in health, richer or poorer, goodtimes and bad.
Did I do my best to love her when at times she seemed unlovable?
Did I do my best to not intentionally hurt her?
Did I push myself to get past my anger to see her perspective?
Did I give her space and let her go?
Do I work hard to forgive her?
Do I love her enough to say... I want you to be happy.. even if that's not with me?
And I feel for the most part... I did. I am not perfect and sometimes my intentions are influenced by my emotions..
..but I keep trying.. even as I grow near to signing my papers..
.. and because I keep trying to honor her and my vows... that is me "trying everything".
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
i wonder how many times people on here felt like giving up and moving on? how many times did they feel it would be easier to get the pain and fear over with in one big hit and start living again instead of getting slowly eaten alive, bite by bite?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Part of us makes changes, detaches, GAL, act as if all of those things for ourselves. To rebuild our mental and emotional stability and heal from the pain of the breakup. The other part of us does this for one reason to get him/her back, to have the marriage restored. Sometimes in our head we are doing it for us, but really in our hearts we are doing it for them.
We feel that if we throw in the towel then we are saving ourselves that fear of rejection. That one day down the road he/she is never coming back.
I don't really know how to phrase it but I know exactly what you're going through. I love him, I don't like what he's doing right now. I'm sad about our M, I don't think our M would work as we are right now. I want to make myself better, I don't think he does. I want to have a M and have kids that may not be with him. So all I can do is handle the first parts of those sentences. Try to make myself a better partner all the way around.
I've found that deep inside of me it is easier to change to get the approval and validation of someone else than to do it simply because I want to be a better person. That's really not healthy. And so I have to constantly remind myself that I am worth it. I am worth love, healing and acceptance regardless of the outcome of the M.
Not being able to control the outcome is an uncomfortable feeling and by "moving on" you're controlling it.
Thanks, Brit, you're absolutely right. I need some control of my life and not just in the "take some classes", "go to the movies", "read this book" area! My heart and soul are in pain and I'm angry to be so easily ignored by one whom I did so much for and professed he'd never leave me. I really would love to kick him in the nuts.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
