Brit, As a male, I feel my clock is ticking too! I feel that what she is doing is robbing me of what has been so important to me. As this will take a considerable amount of time either way, there is a good possibility that I won't ever have the children I have always wanted unless a miracle happens and she decides to come back.
I have been thinking about you and hoping that you are having a better day today.
I am 51 and have felt that I do not want to start over at my age. It really helped me to read Pema Chodron, she is a Buddhist writer. This is one of her quotes:
“When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality."
For me, I fought being in this place for a long time and held on for dear life to my W, which of course, pushed her further away. Now I do believe that I am in this place to grow in ways I never would have without it.
I have started putting post-its of quotes up around my home.. That seems to help get me back on track when I get scared and worry.
For today, I like one by Joseph Campbell: "We must be willing to let go of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
thanks, ng. those are some beautiful words of encouragement. i will try the post-it route, too. i thought about doing that before but didn't. now, i think i need to.
i also need to get rid of my resentment towards H and his kids and family. right now, i just hate them all.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Those are wonderful words. It's the time that I try to sabotage because at least I'm controlling the situation. I'm choosing when it will end or forcing a decision so I don't have to live in the uncertainty.
I've sort of created my own way to deal with the uncertainty because I've taken the focus off his choices and put them on mine. I was unhappy when we were together, then I was unhappy when we were apart, I'm the common denominator here so I need to be happy with me.
No you're not rotten. You are in a rotten situation and grieving. Resentment and anger are normal, so is working to put them and this rotten situation behind you. It is not easy, but many things worth having in life are not easy. You’ll get there.
I visualized XW’s new home swallowed by a sinkhole in the wee hours of the morning for a time.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
SS when I went to bed last night I had a crazy angry thought about letting him take a specific piece of furniture. Why? hahaha does it really matter. I liked it but it was impractical for me. He had better use of it.
I'd read the stages of grieving and didn't really think I'd gone through them the pleading the bargaining the anger and finally acceptance. I think we'll all get there. Love is crazy. You can love someone, want the best for them, and still be very angry with them.
You are 100% NOT a rotten person. I'm very grateful to have cyber met you!
thanks js and brit, i just want him to be miserable missing ME. he doesn't have to get hit by a car or anything (although, i've thought several times it would be easier if i were planning his funeral...).
if he's happy now, that means i'm a loser and a failure. it also means he's not good enough for me because anyone who was good enough for me would accept their responsibility for the situation we're in and come home to work on us. instead, he's living with his MOTHER, for God's sake!
so, i want him to be miserable because that would mean he's missing me and unhappy living with his mother.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
H said to me several times you're only going to be happy if I'm miserable. The truth is when he was miserable he never told me. So you have no idea how hurt your H is or what he's feeling.
If he is happy now it does NOT mean you are a loser or a failure. I doubt in 2 months of living away from you he's fully adjusted to being single and is happy and independent. It is a strange see saw we're on....convention tells us if he loves you he'd want to be with you. He'd be the man that will run through the rain and pound on your door because he can't take another minute without you. But everyone is confused in this situation. It's like H said he thinks of all the good and all the bad and can't see anywhere around the bad.
Focus on working on that part of you that feels unhappy. it's a rollercoaster!
