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#2246843 - 05/20/12 01:22 PM Re: this rocky path WILL smooth out [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Acceptance, I've been there several times but each time I stay longer. : )

All part of the process.

i'm still DB'ing but it feels different now - more about myself than about him.

That's it! But don't be thrown if you go back and forth on this, It's not a linear process.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2246845 - 05/20/12 02:03 PM Re: this rocky path WILL smooth out [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
thanks labug - all you say is very true, and now finally i'm getting "experienced" enough at this to realize that it's not linear and that it will come up again and again!!

off to my sunday morning yoga class -

Hope you're having a wonderful morning yourself:)

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2247663 - 05/23/12 04:12 AM Re: this rocky path WILL smooth out [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
i'm focusing on just having positive interactions with h - with NO pressure.

now when i am really pulling back and dropping the rope - i can suddenly see so much more clearly , all the little ways that i have been pressuring.

so since sunday, i've made an effort to watch how i say things - and just allow us to be around each other without him feeling any pressure whatsoever.

so this evening h and s called to get the compressor and i asked if they could come after i got home so i could get to see s for a few minutes . he definitely took that as pressure and was quite tense when he arrived, but after about 40 mins when they left, he was relaxed and more easy going.

so i am just going to focus on myself and where i add pressure to the situation. it is so subtle, and i'm beginning to realize that h's biggest trigger for feeling pressure is ANY implication whatsoever that s may be affected by this sitch or that i may have a hard time being separated from s. his guilt over this is so huge (him taking s away from me for a week at a time) that i think i just have to let it go.

now that h's uni is out for the summer and s won't be in school, there are no reasons really for me to see s for the entire week that he is with h, unless i ask or they offer. i'm a bit sad about that - as i had been able to see him at least 3 times during the week he was away.

maybe it is good - that way they might actually miss me!!

right now, s just wants to be with h 24 hrs a day - because they are working on the house together - dreamland for s.

i'm staying warmly open and involved, by happily discussing the house and all the building details with both of them - and the three of us have had really fun conversations about it in the last couple of days.

it seems that whenever i show ANY resistance to h, in even the subtlest of ways - that's when he withdraws. when i show no resistance at all, he seems to relax more. am going to try that for a while.

it is a bit confusing for where to keep my boundaries - my wanting him to call before he shows up is seen as me resisting him.

what do you guys think?

meanwhile - i am finding it easier and easier to let go of the outcome in my mind - when it rises, i find i can just switch to something else and say to myself, whatever.

i've been busy being a "real" photographer in the studio taking pics of my shawls and have got some gorgeous images.

and then today - amazing luck - h's sister, who is getting a shawl for herself to wear for her friends' wedding, well - the friend has decided she wants one for herself and one for each of her bridesmaids - so that's seven!!

so that's a great little thing for my little business - and i just hope i have enough time because they have to be ready by next week!!

so i'm tired, dealt with one of the worst migraines i've ever had this morning (which had me crawling across the floor, because i couldn't walk) and which gave me the opportunity to toughen up and understand, that yes, there really is NO ONE to take care of me, and i damned well better start taking care of myself - so that was a good wake up call for me.

i toughened up, and as soon as i could walk around, got ready and went to the studio and forced myself to keep taking the photos, and at the end of the day - well heck, i made it and i got way better shots than i thought i would

so all in all, i'm in so much of a better place here.

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2247690 - 05/23/12 10:43 AM Re: this rocky path WILL smooth out [Re: zig]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
Hi Zig,

Thanks for sharing your perspective here. It is something I too am noticing - zero pressure about anything. I like the way you are instead directing your energy towards what you love and you are getting something out of that.

Also, while reading your comments, I realise too that my H wants zero pressure too - not a sniff. As soon as that happens, we take one step back. It is hard for me to be so damn detached and yet still love him. So, I admire your position and decision. I will take a leaf out of your book.

Thanks!

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#2248016 - 05/24/12 02:26 AM Re: this rocky path WILL smooth out [Re: YankeeCandle]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
it is hard for me to be so damn detached and yet still love him

yes, YC, i know what you mean.

accepting is really about letting go of what was - and really understanding that it is over and accepting that

in some ways it is becoming easier now -

on the other hand i find myself having big twinges all of a sudden - where it sweeps over me, but then i immediately tell myself "i look forward to it working out, and i let go of the outcome."

i'm not looking to the future to define my "now" any longer. finally that power of now stuff is beginning to make sense

((( )))

hope your'e doing well - i've been following your sitch, even though i haven't posted. stay calm, pray for clarity in every moment and focus entirely on feeling good YOURSELF, no matter what

here's something my yoga teacher says at the end of the meditation session, and i use it several times a day:

As I go forth in this day, may I have clarity of thought (touch the third eye), clarity of speech (touch your lips) and clarity of intent (touch the space between the breasts).
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2248018 - 05/24/12 02:32 AM Re: this rocky path WILL smooth out [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
journaling

at my last IC session, we talked about 'letting go of the outcome" - and how it just was a better way to live. T talked about it in terms of parenting too - how you could do all the right things and your kid can still grow up and go askew. it really helped me a lot - i had just finished telling her that it seemed as if my last resistance had to do with s and how he was going to be affected by all of this.

the conversation allowed me to let go of that to a large extent (it has definitely been my subconscious pressure towards h) and allowed me to get to a new place of relaxing into the now.

i still have a long way to go in my healing, but today i found out - that i have , and have had all along a wonderful companion on my journey. i know that a lot of people on this board feel really strongly about leaving the in-laws completely alone, but mil and i are getting closer. we don't talk much anymore about the sitch, in the last few weeks - it's as if we don't need to, but she and i are so very close and getting closer all the time.

she is on her own path to healing, which we talked about today, and laughed together about how the two of us were working so well on our own inner stuff, that none of the others would be able to understand what hit them.

she and i are co-conspirators in "keeping the faith" for this entire family right now - fil, h sil and s. and i think our strength together is phenomenal. we are both letting go of the outcome, but making sure that we are both working on ourselves. I always sensed that h and my crisis would trigger one off in mil, and i am really happy to see that she is actively working on her own issues.

so that was a quiet happy moment of "i don't know what" but it's all part of what's unfolding.


today, a small 180 for me - going to a school potluck tomorrow and i just told h that he needed to make the dish that i didn't have time. he seemed quite happy to.

then a few mins ago i called to say goodnight to s but he was in the shower. h seemed a bit chatty and wanted to tell me all about the pasta salad that he had made up - and i said that was wonderful we talked a few mins more, but then i just said casually that get s to call me when he's out. i think he sounded a bit disappointed - but you know, it's too bad. i didn't want the conversation to go on and on, just to end it while it was really positive.

then when s called back they were already in bed - and i had one of the best giggling laughing conversations with s, who was pealing with laughter. i told him at the end that when he gets off the phone to turn to h and give him a really good juicy tickling session and make h giggle really hard. h needs a good hard laughing session to lighten up his soul, even for a few mins.

i hope very much that as i am writing this, that that is what they are doing.
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2248020 - 05/24/12 02:49 AM Re: this rocky path WILL smooth out [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
forgot to write about a couple of small (big ) things that i have seen change in h in the last couple of days - he has "reported " both to me, quite proudly and i have been very enthusiastic and admired his effort - a genuine reaction, because i really wanted these things all along

They both have to do with s - h was a very passive father - a great dad - but when it came to enforcing rules or getting s to be responsible, he just couldn't get there.

now, he has s,suddenly, just in the past week or so, taking on small responsibilities at his home (during that good conversation we had last saturday, he did mention that he had been very lazy about s's up bringing)

i am so pleased - so pleased that he is really trying to be a better and better dad and really does have s's best interests at heart as much as he is able to right now

it was very frustrating for me over the years, to always have to make the decisions on my own, after begging h to participate and there would only be an 'i don't know" and then later i would be accused of controlling everything.

even these small steps that he is taking now - they are such a relief - and i do believe that the more h finds that he is able to do them, the more he will add on.

i'm finding it VERY interesting, how very LOOOOONG it takes for h to process info and then make the changes. this adding on of responsibilities at home was discussed with s's teacher last fall at a parent/teacher conference - and is finally being manifested now.

funnily enough - this week , i somehow sense (and s hasn't said it at all) that s doesn't really want to come back to my place on friday. i think he wants to stay with h - so he can go build the house with him everyday. i think i will let h know and offer that he can get s every afternoon after school if he likes .

i want to see the sitch changing so that we BOTH have access to son most of the time - that it is more relaxed and casual and not so rigid. i'm confident that i can get to that in the next few weeks - the more open and accepting i am, the more relaxed we all are.

and that is my only goal any longer. i want my family to be relaxed and happy, even if we are in the midst of this painful sitch, i want us to accept where we are and be okay with it. it's more important for me to have that than anything else, right now

okay enough babbling

hope everyone is doing well
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2248030 - 05/24/12 03:13 AM Re: this rocky path WILL smooth out [Re: zig]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1819
Keep the faith.

Nothing is impossible.

Miracles happen everyday.

You are doing great:)
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2248036 - 05/24/12 03:42 AM Re: this rocky path WILL smooth out [Re: BklynMom]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
Thanks BK - how are you doing?

i often think of you - just here and there, and send you and your kids a good wish. i hope that you are keeping the faith too - and realizing that the biggest miracle that can happen for yourself is that you are going to be great no matter what..

(( )))

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2248120 - 05/24/12 01:37 PM Re: this rocky path WILL smooth out [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
so i need a little encouragement and support here. one of the things i've been fearing deeply has come up and i have to work through it and come out good on the other side.

during the movement disorder, one of the worst things we had to deal with were my dental problems. I just about exhausted every local dentist and was finally sent to a special care center, because it was so difficult for them to work with my teeth. the spasms caused a lot of strain on my teeth and therefore there was a lot of dental work that needed to be done.

i've not had to deal with any of that for about a year and a half - but now the last couple of days my wisdom tooth has decided to make it's presence felt in horrible ways - it was supposed to have been removed , but was left because the issues were so complicated.

h went through all of that with me - they have to practically anesthetize me to do any dental work - and even then the oral surgeon comes out of there looking like HE was put through the wringer - completely freaked out by my body.

now this morning i am faced with probably having to go through one of those ordeals without h and i am feeling very emotional and downright scared. i know for the last 10 months i have WILLED myself to not even think about that stuff- just telling myself that i can deal with it all alone.

i know my friends can help me get there and back home and i can leave s with h.

i am finding myself thinking - well, this is the next step - to really test and know that i can do everything without h.

i'm sort of a bit mad at myself for even thinking that i need him right now - it's not that i need him literally - it's that when things were really bad, he was the only one i trusted to be with me - and the sad thing was that it put a lot of pressure on him.

so i'm just crying here, and telling myself that now when i am better it won't be the same as before and not such an ordeal, and i'm just worrying unnecessarily in advance. that i'm ready to find out how to do these kinds of things on my own. that this is here to deal with now and not 3 months ago, because i am ready to deal with it.

just had to let it out here, because the mere mention of it to the family or even my friends is going to freak everyone out, because they know what used to happen before.

so , maybe a few "toughen up, zig" responses are what i need to hear right now!!

thanks
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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