sorry, brit. i know how you feel. we miss them but not all of them. i guess we're taking them off the pedestal and setting them on the ground with us.
could we be in a R with them again, with all the things that made us unhappy previously? if we change, will we still be the type of person who can love and live with them? can we accept them as they are or would they have to make changes, too? what if they won't or can't?
it's just so much confusion.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I have few different posts from Accuray bookmarked that really spoke to me. This is one about detaching when you don't want to and how to deal with the uncertainty:
I think for me I can't think about what will happen in 5 years there's many factors: will he give me a chance, will he trust me again, will he change the things that upset, it goes on and on and on top of all the confusion that he feels about that he also has feelings for someone else and has to weigh the possibilities of a new relationship and possible regrets over that with possible regrets of not giving us another chance.
So I have to do this solely for me. I have to take a new path which is non-pursuit, no manipulation, not being selfish, not sabotaging our friendship or his new R, I want to get through a day without beating myself up over something that happened between us or mistakes I made. That's my first goal.
I started rereading therabbithole's threads because her sitch was so similar to mine. And reading the bit where he'd told her he was in love with the GF and she was questioning why she was hanging on and holding out hope and someone suggested PRIDE is what stops us.
It's so so true. My pride tells me I shouldn't hold out hope. My pride says you can get someone "better" My pride says you don't want to have to tell everyone that you broke up with him and now you're back together. His pride says he can't just stop this R it's unfair, his pride says he can never get over me sleeping with someone, especially someone I work with, someone my friends all know, his pride says my family thinks x, y, and z.
I read this convo her H had with her and I started crying...not sad for myself cry more like look at us...
Quote:
he can't even look me in the eye or look at me without remembering the arguments, the sadness, the way he felt unsuccessful, not smart, and that he couldn't do anything right. He said he can't imagine me coming home from work, sitting on the couch, and us NOT arguing about something.
this is almost word for word what he said to me on Tuesday.
Quote:
He said that he constantly felt like I was controlling, that he couldn't do anything right, and that even when he got what he wanted he felt guilty for having it. I said "I can imagine that you did. I didn't treat you very well, and at every pass I was criticizing you, and trying to prove a point. I was so guilty of not listening to you and I imagine that you felt like you had to ask for my permission to do anything." He said nothing at first.
This easily could have been a convo with us. Instead I told him that I didn't want to be selfish, I didn't want to be controlling that I did all that because I was so scared of being taken advantage of and thought I needed to protect myself. I told him that story about how I now know I didn't listen to him and his needs.
I guess re-reading this...made me feel that we aren't so far gone as I thought. Or once again we aren't so uncommon. I don't know if he will ever trust me to not leave, or if he'll ever forgive me for leaving him, treating him with contempt, or dating after we split. And I'm not sure how much of that is under my control or what actions I can take to show him that. I feel like the best way to do this is what I posted above....making changes for me while no one is looking. Not dating casually, not getting trashed and doing things I regret, working on loving myself, healing my feelings of unworthiness.
In my very first post I'd asked about what I could to show him and everyone said...just detach stop pursuing. It's taken awhile but it's getting thru my thick skull. 3 days no contact.
Oh Brit, thanks for posting that because it is my life.
I'm so relieved I didn't email my H last night in another fit of "you've screwed up, yet again!" (Which I haven't done in a long time but I'm sure that's what he still dreads in interactions with me)
These boards can save a person, can give pause to allow us to think about what's really going on.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
When he first moved out yes. Random moments I would think it's another day and he's okay without talking to me and it would make me really sad. Right now....no. I know that he and I both need space after the emotional outburst we had last week.
I see how each person on here has a different situation... I can seem to get over the fact that I feel that if nothing is ever brought up about the why it happened, that she will put it somewhere in her mind that she won't let herself think about it again. And if it is not brought up, she will just forget about it and move on. Maybe it is the guilt of her actions, but it still doesn't make it right.
For both of us... for her to just walk away without trying and for me to just give up and accept it. I mean, in my situation, this was only a couple months of a rough patch and she gave up. We were never given a chance to make things any better.
