I'll have to think more about TG's post and questions
Jks when I look back now he didn't move on until he'd met someone he even told me that he felt like he'd been in an emotional funk for years. He met her and having a girl just like him for him made him feel amazing. So no he didn't find the strength to move on or shut the door from within. I see that now.
So I did some journalling off this site and started realising that he wasn't the only one who lost himself. When we met I had just gone through a period of rebuilding my self esteem and refinding my identity after losing a job that had for a long time defined me.
When he met I had decided that I was going to do all these things that I had previously not done because I'd been too busy working or had put off doing. I'd started doing them then we met and I kept it up all the way until I shifted from doing those things to do things I thought a family or a couple should do and got upset when he didn't react like I thought he should and then finally I stopped planning. okay that's all typical WAW cycle.
But I'd lost myself too, which is why I gained weight, needed attention, didn't trust myself, had to sabotage because I didn't think I should be happy.
There are things that cause me to feel like I'm "not good enough" stemming from past, how and where I grew up, things I did when I was young and didn't know any better we all have those things.
So I wrote a quick paragraph about myself as if I was someone looking from the outside in. I'm a pretty amazing person. I've accomplished so much in my life and I have a lot to be proud of. Yes I've had bumps along the way (I put all those in too) But we all mistakes. We all have regrets.
That part of me that feels unworthy was somehow happier when I was feeling unhappy, rejected, unloved, and like I didn't deserve a second chance at my M. That's not true. I don't even like the word deserve because it sounds like you're owed something.
That part of me doesn't even feel like I should have a friendship or give friendship with H. Because people like me don't get to be friends with their ex. We're not that well adjusted.
I'm not listening to that part of me anymore. I'm not putting myself thru the self-flagellation of the crying, the pity party, feeling unworthy, or not good enough.
Each day I will try to live my life in a way that at the end of the day I can look back and say I had fun doing x today, I found/saw the beauty in x today, and I'm proud of how I lived today.
As far as H goes, I'm detaching with love and that includes the worry. I have to detach from my regrets, from my fears about the future, from my opinion of his choices, from my once hopes and dreams for us and from my once shunning of them. When someone said let's toast the death of the old M....I get it now. All of that is in the past. How we related to each other is all there is. (I am not downplaying the fact that he may still have hurt, pain, sense of betrayal and loss when he thinks of me. But I now understand that there's not much I can do to change that in our current sitch)
I look at how I felt at the beginning of the month and I'm in a better place, the same way I was in a better place at the end of April than I was at the beginning and the same with March. I'll looking to build and build on that.
"As far as H goes, I'm detaching with love and that includes the worry. I have to detach from my regrets, from my fears about the future, from my opinion of his choices, from my once hopes and dreams for us and from my once shunning of them. When someone said let's toast the death of the old M....I get it now. All of that is in the past. How we related to each other is all there is. (I am not downplaying the fact that he may still have hurt, pain, sense of betrayal and loss when he thinks of me. But I now understand that there's not much I can do to change that in our current sitch)"
i really like this, brit. if both partners could do this, our "new" marriages could be so wonderful...
you sound so much better. i love your resiliency!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Thank you....I'm not going to lie. It isn't easy. But something happened yesterday when I went somewhere with friends. Unlike going somewhere with my son I didn't feel responsible for making the exp enjoyable. If I didn't feel like talking I was quiet and let someone else take up the slack. And I remembered the bigger world. My sitch was encompassing me...his R with his GF was encompassing me....WHY?
This book Codpendant no more is really helping me. I want to be and happy and whole. That's first. And everytime I think about him even when I think that I want to make amends or say I'm sorry or just be friendly I think. Am I doing this so he'll feel different about me? That's not supporting him as a friend that's manipulation. no.
He may never come back and that may or may not be something he will regret. I made my choices. I told him my feelings. There is nothing I can do but be supportive for him in whatever he chooses to do now. Which means not giving my opinion.
This book I'm reading is blowing my mind. You should really read it. I love this part on control where they say that if you hold too tightly to a situation not only could you be forcing the person to resist or redouble their efforts but you're stopping a higher power from being able to work or letting things take their natural course.
I also like the part where it says that someone else's actions isn't a reflection of you. if they do something horrible or embarrassing isn't say anything about you. Him moving on like this made me feel like our M wasn't a big deal. He's ready to shack up with the first girl he meets even though he's told me some not so warm things about her.....what does this say about him and my judgement that I was with him for so long? NOTHING. he's not who he was when I met him and neither am I.
. . . someone else's actions [are not] a reflection of you. if they do something horrible or embarrassing isn't say anything about you . . . . what does this say about him and my judgement that I was with him for so long? NOTHING. he's not who he was when I met him and neither am I.
Yes Bug, today I went down to the river and sat for awhile and I felt peaceful. It doesn't means thoughts of my sitch didn't drift it but they weren't as consuming as before I was able to relax.
