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#2248702 - 05/26/12 01:09 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: Brit45]
1702 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/18/12
Posts: 133
Brit, Just paying you back for stopping by mine...There has been a good part of my M that I felt fear and anxiety. And I too was also walking on eggshells. That I felt that no matter what I did, it wasnt going to be what she wanted or that if something bothered me, it wasn't important enough to do something about.

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#2248706 - 05/26/12 01:37 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: Brit45]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
"I don't know if all this sounds crazy, but I'm starting to feel like we all think our lives can't begin or can't be whole without that other person and that's not true."

i think our lives can be good without that other person. but i think our lives ARE whole when we have a partner. maybe i'm just co-dependent? i think life is so much better when we have an intimate partner to share it with.

love your posts, brit!
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2248711 - 05/26/12 01:52 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: scaredsilly]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Oh I definitely WANT to share my life with someone. I'm just starting to feel like when I'm not in a relationship I feel like I'm not complete and a lot of my energy was spent looking for someone. and I'm starting to want to be complete and happy first and then share with someone.

1702 both me and H could have written your post.
I knew he was agreeing sometimes do I never know if that's what he meant he would be PA and not tell me do I would mind read. I hated it

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#2248780 - 05/26/12 08:54 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: Brit45]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Tonight I started feeling slightly sorry for myself and cried a little bit...which svks because I thought I'd get a tear free day. I'm at 48 hours of no contact. I was crying and thinking that he is happy with someone else. And I remembered that I don't know what he's feeling. I tried to figure out why I'm sad and I think it's because I'm choosing a different path than I ever have before. I'm not going to rush into another relationship as much as part of me wants to. Resisting that urge to numb the pain or rejection, deciding on another course, and knowing that it's going to be hard work well it's fvcking scary!

I've switched in my head from doing this work on myself for him and in hope of our reconciliation to doing it for me to be a better person. And in a way, because I'm co dependent and have self esteem issues it's harder to do for me. Isn't that weird?

I am detaching and recommitting to living myself being in a relationship with myself and wanting the best for him.

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#2248784 - 05/26/12 09:20 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: Brit45]
1702 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/18/12
Posts: 133
Brit, I feel your pain. It sounds like you are living my life. I have cried everyday since the beginning of March.

I keep thinking I wish I could just hear what she is thinking about the whole situation.

I do understand what you mean about choosing a different path. If that is what u want, don't get into a R until you are ready.
I know for me, I have already made peace with being alone. There is not way I could give what is needed in a R with the baggage I am carrying. It would not be fair to anyone involved.

It brought up a lot of bad memories for me about the whole self esteem issue. As all this has been going on in my life, I have become a different person. I have definitely felt that I am worthless when it came to being strong and confident. And even though this might be somewhat of my issue with moving on with my life, I have accepted this is what my future is.

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#2248790 - 05/26/12 09:54 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: 1702]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
brit, hang in there. i just got done putting LOTS or post-its around my house with words of encouragement to help me get through the days and be strong. like this one:

"Ungrateful bastards will always be ungrateful because that is who they are. They have manipulated their way through life since birth and there is no escaping that. The best thing to do is to get away from such people as soon as possible or you will find yourself plotting their death to be as long and painful as possible."

LOL!! at lieast it will make me laugh every day!!
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2248791 - 05/26/12 09:56 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: scaredsilly]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Okay that made me laugh too!!!!! Thank you SS!!!

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#2248810 - 05/26/12 10:43 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: Brit45]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
brit-

it is hard isnt it. a tear free day is my goal. had a few myself today. i am sad for the same reasons as you. i read something about unconditional love, and how it is a choice. i am sad for what is gone. no matter what my W chooses to do, i want her to be happy. because i love her. unconditionally. i think you feel the same about your H.

choosing a path for yourself is scary for me. out of my comfort zone. codependency svcks. you are doing amazing. its okay to cry. especially if you can figure out why. sounds like you know why. good job.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2248880 - 05/27/12 03:43 AM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I needed to read that, too! Thanks, SS.

And those who are afraid of facing themselves will always think the problem lies in others.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2248916 - 05/27/12 07:35 AM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: labug]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Journal king so many thoughts running through my head. It's still very new in a way that he moved out 2.5 months ago and before that we spent so time together talked and shared so much. And now it's still a big adjustment. I don't agree or think he'll be happy in this new R but it's none of my business. The easier route is to get angry and stay angry. Then you turn off the pain with resentment and bitterness and think who needs him?

I don't even know if we'd work out if we got back together. I only wanted the chance to try. I feel like he's made sure of that by drawing the line in the sand and moving on. That's why he said this was so unfair. Because he didn't want to have to consider his unresolved feelings.

Some of my friends and family think I've dodged a bullet. Of course my self esteem issues mean they see my stock as being higher than I do. And that's little comfort when you're sitting with pain and hurt and fear that this is all your M will be. That it really is over.

Part of me wants to move. But running and having fresh starts when I'm unhappy is a pattern. As is party girl mode. Finding the next big thing etc

I know that when I am sad I see things in black and white I either see all the jury and pain and get angry or I think of only the good times and get sad. I miss his friendship when he was kind to me.

LaBug put up a great insight about filling in the spaces and I did that for so long. I was never happy about a lot of things but I glossed over made excuses because he loved me and I didn't think I was worthy of better love. I told him about some of these when we split. I filled in a lot of spaces on the money issue because we had all these things happen or whatever but he was always going to be happy being in debt. And having a lifestyle was more important to him than being independent.

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