oh 1702 I'm so sorry you feel this way. Because I've felt it too. If I had a time machine I whoosh you straight into the time where you'll feel more confident about being detached.
I, too, have an H that I saw/see as being weak. And a text like that would push me away. It would make me guilty. And you don't fall in love with someone when you have a sense of guilt attached to them or when you feel responsible for their hurt and pain. I can't tell you enough and I'm sure everyone here will agree that confidence, independence, detachment is sexy and attractive.
Good job on the 24 hours. Take each day as it comes and try your hardest to not pursue her. Go back to the 37 rules read those everyday if you need to.
No, I am not going to counseling. When our situation started, she suggested we go to MC. After a day of being skeptical, I agree, but she started to then question going. I started immediately by myself and she even noticed changes and and was even somewhat excited to start going herself. We had one session together, then she quit saying her heart wasn't in it.
I have not continue any IC for myself. It might help but for the last several months and the massive amount of people that I have spoken to, other than this forum with strangers, I cant keep discussing my situation, keep reliving the pain, without ever getting answers.
Some thoughts as I am reading some of these posts...
As I'm reading about some of the situations of people on here, I am still at a loss regarding my situation. There are people on here that are fighting for custody and how to divide different things.
When I met my W, I had lived in a small apartment that I rented. I guess I never got around to buying a house because I wanted to buy a house with my spouse. When I met my wife, she had already owned a house that eventually I moved in with her. When she asked me to move, I had no other choice to move in my my mom because at first, this was to give her space. Now, with the sitch being how it is, I know i need to look for my own place. Problem is the money issue. I have a good job, but it is going to take some time to save up enough for a downpayment. When I left my apartment, I basically got rid of everything other than a few things we used at my "new" home. After talking to L, and even though I am firm with waiting the 2 years for this to happen, I basically won't get much from W for my contributions to "her" house. I paid for so much from day 1 when I moved in with her. L said that the courts won't see it as what you contributed, they will see that you would have to pay for a place to live anyways. Basically, the half that I have paid for the last 18 months, I would only get a fraction of that, not to mention the other stuff that I bought, including appliances and mowers, remodeling projects. For god sakes, I am still paying for her engagement ring.
I really don't want to sound like this is about money for me. I would give up everything to have an honest chance to save our marriage, but how can someone move forward when they are getting the shaft?
Even though I couldn't, I would never even think of making my W and SD's life difficult, trying to take things away from them to make their life more difficult. But when my W asks me, "have you been looking for a place yet", how do you respond to that? "it will be a while before I can afford that" or just "not yet"
She knows how much this is hurting me and she feels that getting my own place will help. I honestly think it will make her feel less guilty of our whole situation.
I have only responded with "It will be a little while before I am able to do that?
Here's one thing you have to understand. If I didn't have compassion for your sitch I wouldn't be responding. But do you come here to get a pat on the back to your story or are you looking for answers?
What you're going to have to realize is that sometimes the answers you seek aren't the ones you want to hear. The fastest way to get through this is to face the worst case scenario and then come up with a strategy on how to potentially avoid it.
IC isn't meant for you to dredge up your feelings. It's to try and understand why you're feeling the way you do and how they can help your sitch. Your W doesn't care about you right now. It's sad but that's the reality. I can tell you're full of anger and fear. That's fine. Let it all out. We've all been there. But blaming your W, saying she lied to you, etc. isn't going to help.
"I know it isn't what is recommended, but alot of the things that are recommended do nothing."
You want immediate turnaround. That isn't going to happen. Divorcing you isn't a decision your W just came up with. It probably had a lot to do with her past and you probably triggered alot of trauma. You have to step back and look at things objectively and give it time and patience. That's what it will take.
"Sometimes it seems that she is perfectly fine with this taking so long because she know I'll be here if she decides in the future this is what she wants. And she fully knows I would take her back with out blinking an eye."
All this is mindreading. You don't know what she's really thinking, so stop. The more you mindread, the crazier you'll get because you'll end up analyzing everything she says and does.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I am looking for answers... Probably ones that I will never get. Trust me, I have played all the scenarios out in my head more that once and I am not ignorant of the possibility of each and every one of them.
As I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face, I still have no idea how somebody that committed their life to you, that promised to be beside you forever, could destroy your life???
I know that I will move on with my life, one way or another. I know that I will be able to laugh and smile again. I know that I will be able to enjoy life again. But I will never be able to heal from what she has done.
I gave my "heart" away when I asked her to marry me. I gave everything I had to her. And to think everyday that it is gone and never will be back, is crushing to say the least.
I am fully aware that this happens everyday and people move on with their lives. I know that most people can find their "soulmate" elsewhere, but the vows I took were forever. This is something that I already accepted, but the anger feels like it grows stronger everyday.
Bond, I am sorry if I seemed obtuse, but I don't feel like anything will make this go away.
"As I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face, I still have no idea how somebody that committed their life to you, that promised to be beside you forever, could destroy your life???"
maybe your W feels this same way?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
How could someone feel the same way when they are the one that wanted out? She has actually admitted that she doesn't want the responsibilities of being married. She wants to be able to make all decisions and not have to worry what Her H would think. She is relieved that she doesn't have to worry about what I think about anything. she is able to live her life and not have to feel that she has to make a M work.
Because when you are the one that ended it you were so unhappy that the act of ending it gave you some relief.
Part of detaching is to stop mind reading. This is so important for you to get a grip on these thoughts and feelings that are doing nothing but hurting you.
