this rocky path WILL smooth out

[labug]

Not so much toughening up as recognizing that you're grieving and it's legitimate. I've had a few of those experiences in the last 14 months.

It su*ks. There are times when this hurts a lot. We can recognize it, give ourselves a hug, and move on.

It's not that we can't do it alone, it's just easier with the support of someone we love.

(((z)))and hugs from friends help, too.

[zig]

[bI]t's not that we can't do it alone, it's just easier with the support of someone we love.[/b]

thanks labug - and thanks for the hug. i am recognizing that it's part of the grieving and that it's okay to feel this and work through it quietly.

part of what i'm dealing with is that i don't want to ask anyone for help but will probably have to, and that makes me feel horribly vulnerable. i don't want to feel vulnerable - and that's my defensive side...

so working through this on several levels...

thanks for being here:)

zig

[zig]

i've worked through this now - feeling a lot calmer and confident that i'm okay going through this -

it's odd, how things come up - and if i can keep myself somewhat calm, even if i'm very emotional, and allow it to sort of flow through me, i come out the other side working through it somehow.

now, of course i realize that it was not so much about h himself not being there to help and support me - it's more about me learning that i can take care of myself. that is something that i am still working through. even though i've been just fine on my own, dealing with stuff - the health stuff - which i had become so mentally helpless about, is of course here to challenge me at the right time, to give me the confidence (through the experience of going through it) that i really am fine on my own

so, one more opportunity to continue building my own inner strength and sense of confidence as i continue to move forward in my own healing.

[zig]

journaling

strange new pattern that i'm seeing with h these last couple of weeks.

we still do stuff occasionally with my in-laws - mother's day dinner, mil's b'day at a restaurant and yesterday we were all at s's school for his school play and a potluck afterwards.

it seems as if h absolutely cannot look at me or talk to me when they are around. yesterday it became really clear, because they left the school before we did. it was like night and day - 2 mins after they left, he was talking to me, being friendly, taking care of business!! it was blatant to the point that when we sat down to eat, in-laws, s and i sat together and he was at the other table

i was cheerful, friendly , really quite indifferent in a genuine way - after all the reading on the mlc forums, i am getting detached enough that being around him seems to be bothering him, way more than it's bothering me.


anyone have any thoughts on this, or how to handle it?

fil, after what went down between us, is definitely looking at me as if he can't figure me out. i'm DB'ing with him - acting as if i'm fine - polite friendly as i've always been. he relaxed with me yesterday, i think he's finally realized that i'm not going to hold anything against him.

i guess this is a family post - but just journaling for myself.

SIL called me a last week to ask if she could come for s's b'day at the end of june. at first i was hesitant saying that i wasn't even sure we'd be here - that i may take son a trip (i was seriously playing with the idea of getting out of here to avoid completely and not have to deal with the party we usually have for him)

but after talking to s, and seeing how upset he was, i realized that i was thinking only of myself and my own pain, and not what he needs. so i told him we will go ahead and have the party we always do and let SIL know that it was great for her to come (frankly , i thought she should be asking h, not me...) the story about the party is a long one involving in-laws usual way of getting what they want, but you know, who cares - i'm so done resisting all that....

i think as i give up more and more resistance to all of this - and at least for me, it seems to be key for my own peace of mind - the whole situation becomes easier.

i feel as if i'm finally finding the "what works" for me scenario.

No resistance to anything that's going on + detachment +getting on with my own life, with not much thought for what they are all doing + letting go of the outcome

it's rainy and cool - yippee, i love cool - and i'm going to spend the morning working on my pics to put on line.

had my first interns visit with me yesterday - she's going to start next friday - so am psyched about that.

looking forward to the weekend and doing some activities with s - unfortunately our social life is within the community and h gets invited to all the parties we do. it's difficult for me to meet new people since i work at home - and so am trying to figure out ways to get around that. maybe i'll do a 180 and not go when he and s go and have plans to do something else - i actually don't care much to be in social situations with him - his presence really cramps my style these days with him acting all weird and uptight .

hope everyone has a wonderful day today

zig

[zig]

could really use some advice here, please

h is making it very clear that even hinting at the 3 of us doing anything together is waaaay too much for him to even think about, let alone do. which is fine - i understand that he feels that as pressure and it doesn't bother me - i see it for what it is and where he's at.

there's a great parade downtown tomorrow - and he specifically told me on the phone today "I really want to take s to the parade"

i said great that was wonderful. (s is at my house this weekend)

so here's my quandary: I really want to go that parade.

Do I

1. casually say to H , i'm planning to go too, can we hang out together or shall I go with friends (they would be s's classmate and his family)

2. just go on my own

3. forego going - so as not to make s uncomfortable. this is not such a large town, and the chances that they don't see me there are pretty much nil

4. just go on my own with my friends, and let them make of it what they will..



I am really focusing on keeping all and any pressure off h. but with these kinds of situations - i'm not really sure what to do.

I'm really not concerned much about h seeing me there separately - i'm concerned about s seeing me there separately.

also, i haven't been to these parades with them in the past five years, because it was too difficult with my movement disorder to be in a crowd, but now, when i'm great, i want to go out and do all the fun stuff - and this is a fun parade - it's the Art Car parade that i used to take s to before the accidents (h would never come with us), and always loved seeing all the crazy cars all dressed up and wild.

hope someone can give me some DB'ing perspective on this

thanks
zig

[Rick1963]

Ziggi if ya wanna go, go. Have fun and take pics I love pics. Aim the camera at a blond with blue eyes preferably about 5'6"'. I'm depressed and need a distraction. I need you to go for me.. So there's my answer.

[zig]

thanks rick!!
turned out that the street festival we went to tonight was the preview party for the parade, so all the cars were lined up there and s and i had a great time checking them out. there was great band playing. then we went into the Art Center, which is hosting the event and there was a poetry thingummy going on and s and i wrote and added to an epic poem that is already yards long. then we ran into some of his friends - actually my yoga teacher and hung out with them for a bit before coming home.

feel like we had a great GAL evening, even though it was a bit short - but very sweet.

ironic though - h was the one who let me know it was going on and fussed a bit about how he absolutely couldn't come with us!!

so you didn't actually answer my question - or are you trying to say it doesn't matter which way i do it?

i'm sorry you're depressed - let's see, what can i do or say to cheer you up? do you really think the blond pic will do it? we need something a little more long lasting and effective (sorry that was a very pathetic joke - i think OW is a blonde)

how about...hmmm

the picture of me downing a bottle of whiskey at 10.30 in the morning (on the Boulder school's campus on our s's field trip), right when a bunch of parents walk by? and when i say downing - i mean downing - bottom side up with my head thrown back!!!

so here's what they didn't know - that i can't drink to save my life - 2 shots and i'm out for the count. there wasn't even a full sip in there, thus the full tilt and the only reason i did it was because we were out there frozen to death and when i saw it in the car i thought to myself oooh that will warm me up just a tad.

hope that got at least a little smile on your face.

here's what i heard that i think about when i get really down - along with a hundred other tricks - "if your grandma told you that you should always make the best of things, then she gave you the secret"

when i'm really really depressed - i repeat to myself:

"I am so grateful to h for giving me this opportunity to wake up and find myself and become this wonderful, beautiful woman that I now am."

i was introduced to this woman by a friend today and the first thing she said back to me was wow you are beautiful. and i knew that what she was seeing was my joy. it made me feel really good.

so go look in the mirror and see how beautiful you are deep inside and appreciate what you've gone through and what you are now - you don't need no blue-eyed blonde to make you feel good - you can do that all by yourself!

friendly (( ))
zig

[labug]

You sound good, zig.

Let go of H, and enjoy being you.

[zig]

thanks labug and how are you doing ? i noticed you haven't been posting on your own thread for a bit, or am i missing it somehow?

it does seem a bit screwy - i'll often notice that the yellow new message thing isn't on, even though there's obviously a new message, so don't know what's up with that.

hope you're well

zig

[labug]

No posts lately, nothing new.

But I'm in a good place.

"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is" : )

That and knowing what you want vs what you need.