Then back off of the requests. Did you ever think that maybe you were the rebound R? I think your W isn't used to having someone permanently there and someone who is so close to her D just like sandi said.
If possible, stay in touch with your D. It seems like you were the only stable male figure in her life. Try not to lose that if possible.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm sorry Sandi, I never answered your first set of questions. She and I both had the same set of family values. We both liked to be "homebodies". We truly enjoyed each other's company. She loved that I was a family man. i was a hard worker and I would have done anything for them. She loved that I helped with everything, including the things she felt were her responsibility. (cooking, cleaning, laundry)
She liked that I was basically a man's man. Fixing things, hard worker, but I still had the side to take care of my family. That I took care of my parents. That I just wanted to be with her and D. That family was very important to me.
I remember fixing a flat tire for her on our second date and that was the day she said she fell for me.
After meds, it was almost like she fell out of love with me for the same reasons she fell in love with me.
Please believe me that all the reasons she fell in love with me, never stopped throughout our marriage. I always looked after her and D's needs first. The only thing that was different was the fact that I had opinions about things after we married, and when they weren't what she wanted, she felt her thoughts were always more important. She even, just the other night, blamed me solely for the breakdown of our marriage. Her words were that I didn't compromise, and when I did, it shouldn't have been a big deal in the first place.
the requests stopped a while ago. I admit! I shouldn't have pushed for more kids when she wasn't ready.
Rebound from what??? What we had was more of a R that she has had before. Both only M's for both. Even though it is obvious that vows weren't as important to her than me, I firmly believe in marriage and the vows I gave her. I will not give up on my marriage until IT IS OVER!
Are you saying that I should follow what L said and let her go and go through with D?
After consult with L, I really don't have much to say about Daughter. If she doesn't want me to see her, I can't do anything to change that. There is the possibility that I won't see her again if W doesn't want that. With the fact that D goes from W, to father, to grandparents and back again on weekly basis, I would not want to confuse her more, so I am only going to take what I get with the hopes that I would still have somewhat of a role in her life. I will contribute money each month(what I feel like child support would be) into a fund that D could get WHEN she graduates college, still send Bday and holiday gifts, and make sure she knows how much I will always love her!
That you were a rebound relationship from the one that she had just gotten out of.
"What we had was more of a R that she has had before."
First thing you have to do is to stop using the thinking of "we". This is your perception. And even though she might have said something before, she might have said it to just agree with you.
Let's face it, if things were as wonderful as you explain they were, you wouldn't be here.
"Even though it is obvious that vows weren't as important to her than me,"
Again you're mindreading. It could be that something happened that altered her perception. You need to take your emotions out of this for a little while and see things objectively. As if your W were someone whom you just met and want to date.
What are her strengths and weaknesses? What were the things that she found attractive in you and in other men?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Don't mean to sound defensive, but even after the last several months, counselors and therapists, family and friends, and even God, I still cannot figure out what happened. Not one thing other that the usual, typical everyday life. I'm not sure if you saw or not, but she had issues with script drugs. and when she stopped(so we could start thinking about more kids), she changed, completely. I feel she got very depressed and saw only the negatives with us.
She fell in love with me because I was a family man, that I helped her with everything, that I loved D like she was my own, and just loved being with them. But afer depression started, she only wanted to be with her D and basically resented me. It was almost like she hated that I was still beside her even when she didn't treat me well. I know it sounds like i am playing the "hero" role, but I'm really not. Other that just fighting to keep our marriage alive the entire time, nothing ever happened that should make her feel otherwise. She either lied to me about how she felt and what she wanted, or the depression caused her to change. Which I feel could be fixed and our M could possibly be fixed it it was given a chance.
I'm doing my best to give space and detach from the situation. I just pray for a chance for me to "meet her for first time and chance for her to fall back in love with me" Wish she would watch new movie "the vow".
Thatʻs something that only she knows or may not know herself.
"Not one thing other that the usual, typical everyday life. I'm not sure if you saw or not, but she had issues with script drugs."
Yes how could I miss it? Thatʻs all youʻve talked about. I wanted to know if there was anything else that was an issue. You mentioned the kids, etc.
"and when she stopped(so we could start thinking about more kids), she changed, completely. I feel she got very depressed and saw only the negatives with us."
Got news for you. ALL WASʻs do that whether theyʻre on drugs or not.
"Other that just fighting to keep our marriage alive the entire time, nothing ever happened that should make her feel otherwise."
Again, thatʻs your opinion
"She either lied to me about how she felt and what she wanted, or the depression caused her to change."
You really have to stop mentioning the "lying" part. If she really was, she would have left sooner. Fact is that only she knows why sheʻs doing what sheʻs doing.
Have you talked to her doctor about potential behavioral side effects?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I may not have time to finish posting this morning, but there is something I'd like to ask you. Why was it your father's dying wish to see you M? If he died the night the two of you were M in front of him....he must have had a very strong reason for wanting to see that happen. Was it your duty or promise, in some way, to carry on the family name? Were you trying to assure him there would be grandchildren? Hope I'm not offensive, but was there a trust fund involved?
"She liked that I was basically a man's man. Fixing things, hard worker, but I still had the side to take care of my family. That I took care of my parents. That I just wanted to be with her and D. That family was very important to me."
She was a single mom looking for a man's man who would provide a stable home for her and her D. You seemed to be everything she needed. You, on the otherhand, were looking for a woman who would fit the design you drawn up in your mind. You wanted a W who would have your children, and who would be happy being a W and mother and making a home for you. So, both of you were looking for each other (in a way of speaking). You both sort of checked each other out to see what was what, and then proceded to get M.
I'll have to finish my post later. Hope you have time to answer my questions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, My father was so relieved that we, as a family, accepted what was going to happen. I can tell the entire story at a later point, but he wanted to make sure he was there to share that special day with us because he knew he wouldn't be there for the wedding in June.
When my W and I met, we both had had our share of bad R's that didn't work. It had been almost 2 yrs that I wasn't in a R. I dated a few times, but there really wasn't a connection. W basically the same thing. When we met through a mutual friend, we spent a considerable amount of time talking before our first date. We were both in our 30s and knew what we wanted out of a R. Those first few weeks, we didn't hold anything back about expectations. In her words, we weren't going to waste each other's time with the "courting" period because of our age and life experiences.
When she suggested we marry in the hospital, that was the greatest gift anybody could have ever given me. We wanted to give my dad the gift of sharing our vows with each other and we also wanted to make sure our entire families were able to see us marry. He was very adamant that we still went through with the planned wedding.
There was never any promise to carry on the family name or have grandchildren. It was important to me to have kids and give my parents grandchildren, but in no way was that a driving factor. My parents had already considered SD as their grandchild.
There was no trust fund or anything like that. My W and D were gifts sent from God that they came into my life when they did.
Things between us were basically bliss until we were married. It was almost as if being married and the responsibilities of it "smacked her in the face". Instead of just making decisions for her and D, now her H was in the picture.
I hope I was able to answer what you wanted and I look forward to hearing from you later.
That could be a possibility that I hope isn't true...Even though you are saying what the possibilities are, you really have no compassion in your words. It really isn't appreciated with your sarcasm. Sounds to me you went through alot and still have a lot of resentment. Either way my situation goes, I will never put someone else farther down than they already are. I appreciate your thoughts, but if they are going to be this harsh, I don't need them anymore.
