In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[Rick1963]

Good self evaluation AD. I was very similar. Always felt uncomfortable around others. But now I'm working on that and liking it. It was stuff I told myself about me. Many were irrational and skewed.

I have to do the going to the bar alone. Now that takes cojones

[cat04]

Cat, you're a sweetheart, but you're very tough on me.

Show me someone who makes it through a year of separation while hoping and trying to save their marriage, experiencing a difficult year at work, and going through the normal chaos of children entering the teen years, and lets it all roll off their back and is fine and I'll show you a liar. In fact, my life was in a challenging stage even when I thought my marriage was fine.

Ad,

I may be tough, but I promise you, I am no tougher on you or anyone else, than I am/was on myself.

Two weeks after I received one of my bombs, I was told by doctors that I very possibly, almost probably, had a form of breast cancer that would leave me dead in less than 5 years. My S was only twelve at the time. I had never seen such terror in anyone's face as was in my doctor's the day he told me. Terror, not sadness, not concern, but sheer terror as he searched his brain for what to do for me, even though he knew if he was correct, there was nothing anyone could do. He was basically giving me a death sentence. Funny thing is, I was still more concerned with saving my M than saving my life at that point. It was actually easier to reconcile, accept, and make plans for death than it was divorce.

I got very lucky. After almost four months of tests, surgery, waiting for results and quietly, almost silently except for the tears, creating items for my S so that he would know who his mother really was, have records of all the things that I thought I would want to tell him in his life that I wouldn't be around to tell him, I found out that the doctors were wrong. Five years later (the five year anniversary is next month), I thank God every day for that, for my life, and for all of the wonderful people who are in it.

Five years later...I shouldn't be here. I am. Alive. Something I wouldn't even allow myself to imagine for a long time. Even after the results came back, it took me a long time to believe that I was going to live. Not just survive but live.

When the next bomb came the following summer, even though it rocked my world even harder than I ever could have imagined, I was different. And my work began in earnest.

And I am here now, living in a time I never thought I would see, happy, in love, excited about life. And I expect more from myself than I ever did before. Life goes on and we can either go along for the ride, waiting to come out the other side, or create it.

The choice is ours, it always has been and always will be.

[adinva]

Hi Cat, your story is so inspiring, and more so is the fact that you didn't let these things defeat you. I'm glad for what you have now, and I think you're an amazing person.

I myself, am not quite there yet. I'm afraid to look too closely at things because I want my faulty H and my faulty M to make it and become better with me. I'm afraid to open my heart to other people too much, to put myself in tempting situations, and to really let go and live, because I still feel committed to my M until my H declares that we are done.

I don't expect to be one who will continue trying to win my H back, or hold myself back in order to stick around for him, once we are completely divorced. But until that day I'm still 100% married and 100% committed to doing whatever work I can do to save my family.

Do I expect to have the marriage of my dreams with my H? I don't have that expectation any more. But I love him and want him still. H said he's done, but until the ink is dry on my divorce I will act like there's a chance for us.

[ces67]

Hey Ad, just checking in. Hope you enjoyed the rest of your business trip.

As I read your posts, it seems we have a good bit in common. Quite, reserved, enjoy people but keep a distance to some degree....

"I'm afraid to open my heart to other people too much, to put myself in tempting situations, and to really let go and live, because I still feel committed to my M until my H declares that we are done."

I get this. On a recent business trip there was a big event with a late-night party. The party had a dj, a big dance floor and an open bar. I'd met new co-workers who were fun & friendly. I even had a drink which is rare for me. But I just couldn't bring myself to get on a dance floor and dance with another woman.

I don't feel bad at all about my choice. It aligns with my priorities & values. But that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy meeting new people and laughing. Glad you were able to enjoy some of these same things as well while being true to your own integrity.

"Do I expect to have the marriage of my dreams with my H? I don't have that expectation any more"

Not sure how to take this or how you meant it. I see 2 possibilities. 1) You're content to settle for something that is less than fulfilling or 2)You are accepting the fact that there is no perfection in any of us or any marriage but joy & blessings can be found in all circumstances if we focus on the positives and how to be loving.

What do you think, because that's what's important! ((Ad))

[adinva]

I've never had a relationship with another person in my life that fulfilled me or completed me, or met all my needs, never expected to and don't expect to.

You might say that my interest in working things out with my H and having a good marriage is settling because I might find someone out there who I can be more fulfilled with. I don't look at it that way.

With counseling I've seen some shortcomings in H, emotionally, that will likely never change. Do I throw in the towel, become an active participant in the divorce, and tell my kids that we agreed that divorcing was the best thing for us so we could find more happiness elsewhere? I don't think so.

I believe all relationships are composed of imperfect people who need the skills and tools to make the best life together that they can. I'm still ready to do this with H, whole heartedly. I don't call that settling. I vowed 18 years ago to love and honor him till death do us part, not till I don't like how things are going. If/when he divorces me, I'll feel released from my vows but I don't yet feel or want to feel that way.

I think there would need to be a different way of looking at this if my presence was hurting h or damaging our kids, but in the past year I've learned to change my part in our dynamics and our home is pleasant. My h is no longer stressed out and miserable. I believe if we could change this much we can change more. If he can't get himself interested in working on the relationship it'll be hopeless, but we are in a process that takes time. Just because he has said before that he's not interested doesn't mean he can't change his mind. Every reconciliation on this board happened because someone changed their mind.

Thanks for prompting me to think through this more deeply, I hope my answers make sense.

[labug]

I think it makes perfect sense, especially this part:

I believe all relationships are composed of imperfect people who need the skills and tools to make the best life together that they can. I'm still ready to do this with H, whole heartedly. I don't call that settling. I vowed 18 years ago to love and honor him till death do us part, not till I don't like how things are going. If/when he divorces me, I'll feel released from my vows but I don't yet feel or want to feel that way

I now know that I shouldn't expect another person to "complete" me (boo on Jerry Maquire). That's my job.

[adinva]

Thanks LaBug! I think there should be a DB guide to the movies, to keep us romantic and physically deprived LBS's from watching and expecting that fairy tale stuff in the movies. Jerry Maguire could get 2 Spews. Is there a realistic movie out there? 5 GALS.

[needgrace]

Love your post Adinva. I have been avoiding movies for the most part and miss them!

[needgrace]

I believe all relationships are composed of imperfect people who need the skills and tools to make the best life together that they can. I'm still ready to do this with H, whole heartedly. I don't call that settling.

So true! I read a quote somewhere from an elderly person who was asked why there marriage had lasted so long (I think it was 60 odd years.) They said that in their day, if something was broken, you didn't throw it away, you fixed it.

I truly believe that our core issues rub up against each other in marriage (the principle in Harville Hendrix's writings which also suggests that is why we are initially attracted to our S.) That is when marriages become really difficult, but if we can work through those issues, the result is a much deeper relationship and a healing of our core issues.

Thank you for your words today which inspire me.

((( )))

[adinva]

Well my weekend plans changed on a dime. I was trying to figure out a way i could drive two boys 9 hrs to a tournament and 9 hours back monday evening.it just would be too risky without another driver and with hOliday traffic. So instead s14 asked for a sleepover. H told me at 8 that hes going to his friends house. Has a bike ride scheduled for tomorrow so he plans to come home to change in the morning and head out to ride. I said fine and walked past him, acting as if it doesnt matter to me. Now there are 7 or 8 boys in the basementand i think i will sleep outon the porch.