I don't really have much to add at this point, but I was wondering if perhaps your W felt a little pressure to get married before your father passed and is just now processing it?
Okay. What kind of medication was she taking? Do you know the name and what it was for?
After dating for one year it really sounds like you rushed into it and didn't have the conversations that were necessary for a M to work. Things like having kids is a big issue. Did you talk about this before you got married?
How long was your W previously M? Do you know what the reason was for that breakup?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
She is the one that suggested it. I have asked numerous times and she said she in no way regrets the decision. Even though that was important to me, I have told her that I would have given that up if in any way started problems. For numerous reasons, I sometimes feel that she only wanted to be married for the idea. The other side still is so confused because of how connected we were for the first six months of our R. Was it all a lie or is she in such a fog from the meds/depression?
She was on Tramadol, then suboxone. Both are nightmares. She was on the first for pain from a car accident, then the other to get off the first. Plus her brother was taking it and she helped him due to money issues.
We were both in our 30's when we met, both have been in R's before that have not been good. We discussed EVERYTHING in the beginning. We felt there was no reason to BS about what we were looking for. She said she fell for me after our 2nd date. Everything we discussed was exactly what each other wanted. I remember our first date talking to each other about how we didn't believe in divorce!
Wife was not married before.
I was introduced to SD after about a month and she and I formed a bond from the first time I saw her. One of my W's biggest issues was that the person that she was going to be with had to love her daughter and daughter had to return that. She and I have an amazing relationship, but I almost feel W resents that someone can love a child that is not there own that much.
I believe it was a few months before we met. The big reason it ended was that he didn't want to have any more children. Now she is telling me that, not that she didn't want more children, but D will not have any more siblings.
Might I add that she has severe seperation issues with D. She still sleeps with her, D never has had a bed time, and there is very little discipline. She even admitted that D listened better to me. All these have been major issues with us. I wanted a M that was important and she felt more inclined to make sure D didn't feel resented by me being in the picture.
This all started shortly before we married. She wanted to "wait" to have D sleep in own bed so she didn't feel like I was taking her place. when that day came for her to sleep in own bed, My W just changed what her bed was. There weren't too many mornings that I woke up that she wasn't in bed with D.
the R just before me only lasted a couple months if im not mistaken. SD's father was just a "friend" that they made a mistake. It lasted during her pregnancy and close to year after. She originally bought her home with another M that lasted around same amount of time. She caught him cheating.
She has walked away from R's in the past. She even admits that she is this way. When she feels pressure, she runs away.
I really feel that if I do the LRT and say make a choice, then she will just be done. If I go dark with NC, it will be "out of sight, out of mind"
I do feel that when I kind of chase(i know,not DB principles) that, if done strategically, she shows some chinks in the armor.
this, along with many other things, makes me sooooo confused.
Without getting into talking about having kids, what did you and W have in common? What did she like about you? What drew you to her, other than wanting children?
My heart goes out to both of you. I know from personal experience what medication can do when you are given certain types and then suddenly taken off or replaced by another kind. It will mess you up mentally and physically.
I'm not suggesting that you get a D, but if she's saying she doesn't want more children, you need to back off pressing her about how you thought you had an agreement. It doesn't sound like she is in any shape to have more kids right now. It could push her to do something both of you would regret....either to herself, or the children.
As for your R with SD, your W might be a little jealous of her D being crazy about another person beside her mother! If it has just been the two of them, it could stand to reason. Again, you need to back off asking her if you'll ever get to see SD again. Don't ask those type of questions. It would be better to say, "I'd love to see SD". Leave it at that.
Don't beg & plead. Don't try to make her feel guilty. I think you are trying to do that when you "remind" her of the agreements before M. Never have a R with anyone you have to pressure, bribe, or guilt.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Coaching session went ok. I seemed to do more of the talking. Everything coach says, I know. Take the little things as positive!
I have definitely quit talking about more children and R issues. I'd rather have the family I had, than just a chance to have more children and not have W and SD in it.
For time being, i have only been asking if I could take her to dinner or out for ice cream. I haven't gotten much of a response at all.
