thank you. i dont feel good about it. there has been a shift. i know more of what i want and what i am willing to do to get there. there has been no shift from my W and that is to be expected. its going to take a long time for her to see i am not a demon. if she ever will.
she is consumed by OM right now. it hurts, because i think she will be hurt by him. i dont believe he will leave his W for her. when he doesnt she will be hurt. i dont like that. it also hurts me that my W is having all these feelings for him while she is still married to me. she is a big girl. nothing i can do to change her mind about that right now. i have accepted what is. i dont like it, it hurts, but i have accepted.
i am going to live for me. and my kids. if she doesnt come back i have to be ok. i dont know how to do that but i am learning. thank you for your support. im glad to hear from you. you sound a bit better.
lmao...thanks.. i needed that today. been numb all day. at least i havent been crying like a baby. lol..so thank you. still mind f-ing myself, but im getting used to it. starting to be able to turn my thoughts elsewhere for bits of time. still not happy, but thats a process.
thank you for the bits of stuff you have posted. helped me figure out what i was really feelig and why. i think i am making better decisions. this is a long hard fight, but i think i can be like rocky =)
there has been no shift from my W and that is to be expected. its going to take a long time for her to see i am not a demon. if she ever will.
Excuse my language
F@ck her right now...
Man I gotta say your response to me was...
Well, full of balls, that is what I'm gettin at.
I want you to read what you wrote because THAT is important for you here, at this point, to move forward and it took a alot of gut punching and soul massaging.
THAT is what you are here for. You punched all that sh!t around in your head in spit out your soul.
That is a good step.
Don't you think?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
i am shaking right now. i dont know why i wrote what i wrote. only that it is truly how i feel. i love my wife. i love her to the point that no matter what, we can work this out. it might get me left hanging out to dry. it might not. i dont know how to tell her this stuff. i dont really know how to show her. i want her to know i will fight for her, no matter what. i dont know how to show that either.
i have been feeling a little better the last few days. not so miserable. have been using the "stop sign" when thoughts come up about OM. i still wake up every night from dreams. i still only sleep only about 4 hrs a night. i dont eat hardly. thats helping me get pretty cut, with my workouts, so that might be a plus.
i was at an aa meeting last night and some things clicked. i hvent respected her. i isolated myself out of the guilt i felt. i felt like a horrible person. i shut myself off without meaning to. i had no passion. i was lost. i didnt know what to do to feel better. i knew i drank to much, but was scared. scared that i wouldnt be "me" if i didnt. even though i didnt like "me".
i want so badly to apologize to her. i want to tell her i get it. i cant. she will not let me. if i try, i am pursuing. pushing her away. she does not want to talk to me or be around me. i have tried thinking about why OM is so attractive to her. he is just like me. and worse in some ways. only thing i can think of, is he tells her what she wants to hear. i didnt give my W the reassurances that she needed. i was walled off in my own world. blindly ruining it. then i thought if i didnt drink, things would be ok. i know i need to keep working on me. that is obvious. i am all over the place right now. sorry for my rambling.
Dakota, I know EXACTLY how you feel right now. I really really do.
I sobbed until I felt like I my stomache might come through my nose....I've thought in circles and crazy thoughts I've laughed hysterically and then cried some more.
I don't know when it when it happen for you that switch. But at some point you decide that you're only torturing yourself, you're hurting you right now not her actions. Your reactions to her actions are hurting you and you'll decide that you aren't a demon, you are worth love and respect.
I can't recommend enough Codependent No More. It's like a revelation.
If you can, stop worrying about why she chose OM, she probably doesn't know other than he was willing. And he said all the things you weren't saying. And maybe her father's the same.
That was then, this is now. She may want to listen to you again but you aren't ready.
What TG said is so true and what you wrote ^^^is your soul coming out from hiding. Be gentle with yourself, you're birthing a new human being.
Did you have a chance to listen to the Steve Earle song? My favorite line (nah, they're all good):
That every day on Earth's another chance to get it right. Let this little light of mine shine and rage against the night
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
you can do it HB!! just like Rocky and we are all running up the steps with you!