I haven't got time for the pain

[job]

I'm glad you were there for your daughter. Now, the question that is sitting on the table is this...if the new apt. fell through and the old one is now rented....where is she going to go after she's packed up? Now, wouldn't it be a hoot if she wheedles her way back into staying w/you until she can find another place to live? I do not put anything past the mlcer.

BTW, mlcers have a sixth sense that alerts them when we are pulling away and are getting on w/our lives....

[tested metal]

OM is gone.. and going to prison for beating up STBXW and interrupting her emergency call.

WOW! Now STBXW calls sobbing and begging me to let her stay at my apartment on the couch for a couple of weeks until she has a place to stay. She apparently has no friends that will put up with her.

I told her that I do not want to live with anyone who isn't committed to a relationship.

I told her I don't want to confuse D1 anymore than she might already be.

I told that I had to think about it and would let her know my decision by tomorrow. She kept begging after that!

I even let her know that everytime I have stuck my neck out for her I have gotten it chopped off. She appologized for that and said she didn't realize it.

When I finally ended the call, she asked if she could come over to talk after she was done with work. I was hesitant, but said that would be ok. I don't want to shut doors completely, but I don't want her to stomp all over me either.

Before I hung up she said I was a really good person about 5 times.

I don't know if I can trust her as far as I can throw her right now.

Any thoughts about her staying on the couch? We are getting divorced mind you.

[MrBond]

first and foremost take care of your D's welfare. You can show her compassion in her sitch, but don't let her dictate the rules. Maybe you can start thinking of some boundaries now. She's very close to hitting rock bottom.

[job]

OMG! She did it! She asked to stay over at your place on the couch! Why am I not surprised by this? She still looks to you to rescue her or fix her problems for her when she doesn't have an op waiting in the wings. The only person that you need to be concerned about at this time is your little girl.

If you opt to help her out, be sure to set some boundaries and stick to them. I would hate to see you burned once again for being a kind and generous person. BTW, if you do allow her to stay, don't make it easy for her...she will need to pitch in around your place and share in whatever expenses that she incurs while she is there.

BTW, I did step up to the plate when my xh moved out and he had no place to go for one night and I allowed him to stay. I never regretted it because it did show him that I did not lower myself to his current standards. Did he appreciate it after the fact? Nope. But I slept better knowing that I "turned the other cheek" and helped someone out.

[tested metal]

The problem that I have is that this is going to be weeks. She will use this time to snoop around (not like I have anything to hide, but the mystery of being dim will be gone).

I am not worried about others coming to the apartment or partying, because I will not have it.

I will continue on with my life as planned, but I wonder if STBXW will use me going out for a night when I am not supposed to have D1 against me in the divorce proceedings. This is kinda like having a spy over for a few weeks to freely peek around while at war.

I will set firm boundaries for sure IF I do it. Half of me wants to because I hate seeing anyone in need, the other half wants her to twist in the wind. I would hope that she learns a lesson, but that is not mine to teach.

[BeingMe]

My instincts in this matter would be to say, no. She has put you through enough already. But, she is the mother of your D1. So, kindness might stand you in good stead later. But, as everyone else is telling you, make sure you place some extreme boundaries in place. For instance, she can buy the groceries in the time she's there. Think very hard on this ... it may be confusing to D1, but children that age are resilient and may not understand what's happening.

Sounds like she will have to really earn some trust back. And, I don't believe anything she's saying ... she's begging and complimenting you because she's in a bind. Understand that, and you will better be able to keep your boundaries, and detachment in place.

[BeingMe]

If you're worried about her spying, then one of the boundaries is that she is never to be alone without you in the house. Make sure you have a lock on your bedroom door, and keep your computer in there. Let her know that you do not trust her, but that she is the mother of your child, and that is the only reason that you are even thinking about having her in your space. And, do not, be your D1's babysitter, although that will look good to a judge, if she's off partying when she should be looking after her child.

Just some thoughts.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Tested,

Her coming back because she has no other options is gerneally not the best way for them to come back...even for a few nights or weeks.

And so saying stranger things have happened.

Be strong, be strong, oh and be strong.

Do not confuse any aspect of why she is currently there.

I am a big proponet of the LBS's deeds making up for their words.

I am also a HUGE proponent of the Spouse's deeds meaning far more than their words when they are around.

Do not listen to her...but watch her and she her actions. Understand?

Actions over time btw, not actions to get you do do something in the moment. Over time.

[job]

How long has she known that the other apt fell through? Generally you know long before the end of the month. Juen 1st is this Friday...could knowing this information be the reason for her illness over the weekend? Maybe she's know for quite some time and just didn't know how to approach you and decided to have you take your little one for a while and then bring her to her work place.

I agree w/the others and definitely password your computer and lock down anything that you do not want her to have access to. Her actions will tell you more than her words (as Jack as pointed out).

Good luck!

[tested metal]

Thanks for all the advice. I don't have to worry about a computer because I have not touched the one I have because I do not have internet. I use my internet at work for all my interneting needs.

As for leaving her home alone, I would have no choice as Saturday nights I deal cards as a side job and need to work to pay bills. That means she would be home with D1.

Some boundaries I have come up with is:

1. She has 1 month to come up with an apartment.
2. Half of the rent will be paid up front.
3. Half of the electricity will be paid up front.
4. She will buy her half of the groceries. I will buy my half.
5. She will clean up after herself and do her share of the housework.
6. We will keep our respective days of being in charge of D1's care.
7. Absolutely no friends/boyfriends/partying/whatever over. I reserve the right to evict immediately if there is even a hint of this rule being broken.
8. There is a 2 am curfew and coming home smashed is not accepted. If she can't be back by that time, then she can stay elsewhere.
9. No eggs in the non-stick frying pan. (Code for no nookie!)

Right now I am trying to border the line of being cordial/professional and compassionate about this.

If you have any thoughts please feel free to share.